James Arvin Cook
(Jim)
1958 - 2009

Our beloved husband, father, and son, Jim Cook, returned home to his Heavenly Father June 11, 2009, after a courageous battle with cancer.

Jim was born September 14, 1958, in Murray, Utah to Arvin and Darlene Johnson Cook. He graduated from Murray High School in 1976, where he was a cheerleader and member of the swim team. He was a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and served a two year mission to Canada.

While attending BYU, he met and married the love of his life, Julie Lynn Faerber, on April 30, 1982, in the SLC temple. He then attended the University of Utah, where he received his bachelors degree in Information Technology. He worked at the U of U for many years as manager of computer network systems. Jim then realized his dream of working for the City of St George, Ut, and later for Rapid City, SD as I.T. director.

Jim's gift to the world was life, laughter, and love. He valued friendships, and spent many hours building relationships on and off the golf course. Jim was always the life of the party, had a joke for every occasion, and could bring a smile to everyone's face. Our memories of Jim will always bring back those smiles.

Serving others in any capacity was Jim's passion. He is deeply loved by his family, and will be greatly missed by friends, family, and everyone who's heart he lightened with his spirit.

Jim is survived by his eternal sweetheart, Julie Lynn Faerber; his five children, Joshua (Kirby) Cook, Brittany (Clint) Lambson, Nicole, Justin, and Katie; his parents, Arvin and Darlene Cook; his parents-in-law LeRoy and Kathleen Faerber; siblings Keldon (Vickie) Cook, Holly (Ken) Peterson, Wendy (Brent) Anderson, Dan (Melanie) Cook, Judy (Matthew) Binns; Julie's siblings; many aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, and grandmother Maurine Cook.

A viewing will be held in St George, Monday, June 15th, from 6:30-8:00 pm at the Spilsbury Mortuary, 110 S. Bluff Street. A viewing will be held the following evening from 6:00-8:00 pm at the Brownstone Church, 6410 So 725 East, in Murray, Utah. An additional viewing will be held Wed, June 17th, from 10:00-10:45 am at the same chapel. Funeral services will follow at 11:00 am. Internment will be at the Elysian Gardens. Friends and family are invited to offer their condolences at www.spilsburymortuary.com.

Thank you all so much for your love and support.

Tuesday morning

Thanks so much for all your faith and prayers. We can really feel the presence of angels giving us strength and comfort.

Jim is now in that never never land between life and death. He is sometimes coherent, sometimes not. He is fighting the good fight however, and is not giving in easily.

Last week he started wandering around the house a lot, aimlessly. He would walk into the kitchen, stand there, then walk to the living room, stand there, etc. When we would talk to him, sometimes he would understand and respond, sometimes he would close his eyes and not respond at all. He had a hard time being still. Our hospice nurse told us that this is called terminal restlessness. It happens quite a bit in terminal cancer patients.

Jims parents and my parents both came down for a few days to see him. Brittany also is here, she is staying to help. Nicole came down for the weekend, and Jim perked up quite a bit over the weekend. He was lucid, aware, and had a surge of energy that took him through Sunday afternoon. He even wanted to go to Church Sunday, so we all went to the deaf branch with him. He was able to stay for all of Sac Meeting. He ate several meals over the weekend, and we had a wonderful and enjoyable time with all the family being here.

Sunday evening he started to slip back into the restless stage. We have someone with him 24/7, making sure he does not fall or try the stairs. He is not sleeping well at night, kind of walks around the house a lot. Walking is becoming harder for him. It takes him several minutes to stand up, then he stands for a long time before trying to move. The hospice nurse can't believe he can still get himself up, much less walk around the house. He is on a lot of medication for pain, but can't swallow pills so he has drops by mouth. We also have some cream we rub on his wrists, which helps with pain and also calms him.

His vital signs are still strong. His blood pressure is good, and heart beat is even but rapid. He is still breathing well from one lung, and does not seem to be air hungry. That is a blessing. He is still drinking liquids, but not eating solid food. The hospice nurse comes every day now.

He has been quite confused this morning. I asked him if he was hurting and wanted pain meds, and he shook his head no. A minute later he asked Brittany why no one had brought him a drink and his pain meds, because he just told her he wanted them. (He didn't.) We give him pain meds about every two hours, around the clock.

I'm not sure how long he will continue to be mobile, possibly a few days. He is laying on the bed sleeping now. Sometimes when Brittany says hi to him, he will give her the sweetest smile. He seems so innocent and trusting.

We don't know how much longer he will be with us, maybe a few weeks. There is a peaceful, calm feeling in our home, and we know the Spirit of the Lord is here with us. We know there are spirits here from the other side, excited and eager to welcome Jim into the next realm. We are so grateful for the Gospel, and the principle of eternal families. We know that we will be together again in the next life, and throughout eternity.

Need Prayers

Jim is having a hard time. Please pray for us.

Latest news

Sorry its been so long.

We had a wonderful trip to SLC. Jim was able to see a lot of family and friends, and the trip was great. Thanks to Great Grandma Cook for letting us use the condo, it was perfect! Thanks also to all the U of U people who showed their love and appreciation for Jim at the lunch. It meant so much to him to see all of you and feel your support. It was great to see old high school friends and family!

Josh graduated from college, and Jim and I went to the graduation lunch with Josh and Kirby. It was wonderful, we are so proud of all his hard work!! Nicole came down and spent several days with us between semesters, we really loved spending some time with her.

We have been working hard with Jim and the hospice nurse the control the cancer pain. He is doing pretty well for the most part, just very tired. He sleeps a good part of every day, but is still able to wake up and participate in some activities. Justin has had several performances the last few weeks, for the school musical, jazz band, and orchestra. Jim made it to everything but the jazz band, and really enjoyed seeing Justin perform. Katie also had a performance for her fourth grade class, and Jim was there to cheer her on!

We did something last weekend that we have not done for a very long time. We saw a movie at the movie theater!! :) We saw the Star Trek movie, and Jim made it through the entire show! It was so great, we did popcorn and drinks and the whole thing. I think I may have enjoyed it more than he did... lol ... but we both had a good time.

Between all the performances and the movie, we pretty much wore Jim out. He has had several days of sleeping and not much else. His feet have swollen to about twice the normal size, and he has lots of numbness and tingling in his hands and feet. He threw up again today, has not done that for a while. For the most part, the nausea has stopped, although sometimes it just comes on for unknown reasons.

He is still unsteady on his feet, and fell again last week, this time outside on the cement. He bruised his ribs and scraped his arm, but didn't break anything. He uses the walker most of the time when we go out, sometimes the wheelchair. He still eats, but not as much. He likes fruit and fudge bars (which is not good for his diabetes), but we just kind of feed him whatever he wants. He still loves to watch movies, although he dozes off a lot in the middle of them. It takes a lot of energy for him to talk, so he is very quiet most of the time.

He did have a good day yesterday, and we went to his Uncle Lou's house to sit in the hot tub. That helped his feet feel better.

We love our hospice nurse. She comes over twice a week to check on Jim, make sure his pain is under control, orders his pain meds, and takes his vitals. We have also had some aids come to help us move furniture and do errands. This is much easier on Jim than the constant trips to the Dr and hospital. We are grateful for the hospice program, and the wonderful people who work with us.

We are so grateful for the Gospel, for the knowledge that we have that life will continue for us on the other side of the veil. We are grateful for all the angels here and on the other side who give us strength and support.

SLC trip.

OK, here is the plan for the weekend. We will be at Jims parents house on Saturday from 10:00 am to about 5:00 pm. Anyone who wants to visit us there, that would be great.
Address: 614 Wilford Avenue, Murray, Utah
Its about 6200 south, find the street (Wilford Ave) off of 725 east. Actually, look it up on the internet :) Monday Jim is having lunch with some former work friends, then a little get together with some High School friends in the evening. Tuesday is another free day, probably be at his parents house again.

We would love any and all visitors!!! Jim really wants to see as many people as possible while we are in town.

Quick update

After much prayer and consideration, Jim and I both feel that hospice is the best option for him now. Its a good program. We will have a nurse come in twice a week to check on Jim, take his vitals, and she orders all his medications. There is also a nurse on call 24/7 if we ever need a nurse in an emergency situation. We can have an aid come in if needed to help with any additional needs we may have. They will even come and stay with Jim if I need to run errands or need a break, so that he won't be alone. They will also provide any medical equipment, such as a hospital bed or shower stool, if we have need of that. They have social workers who will help with bereavement, funeral arrangements, emotional support or whatever else you need. It is a service designed to make the last several months of a persons life easier in whatever way they can. Our Relief Society President is the nurse who will be caring for Jim, and she is a wonderful, loving person. We are grateful to have her.

Jim has a few things that he would really like to do, and the first is to travel to SLC to spend time with family and friends there. We are driving to SLC on Friday, and will be there until next Wed. We would love to see anyone who has a chance to visit with Jim. (Jim lost his cell phone, so please call mine.. 801-201-0935 if you need to make arrangements.)

He also would like to visit Rapid City one more time, so we are trying to arrange to go there towards the end of May. We'll keep you updated on that.

This is a difficult time, but we feel the sweet peace of the spirit in our home. We know that God is mindful of us, and that His plan is being fulfilled. Thanks again for all your prayers, love and support.

Whats new

Jim has asked me to take over writing the blog for a while, so here is the latest.

Jim was having a lot of problems with the radiation, so we decided that it was probably harming him more than helping him. We stopped after seven treatments. His ability to swallow has been getting better, along with his appetite. He is not so sleepy, and is able to get around a little better, although he has fallen twice in the last week here at home.

Tuesday we went in for the second round of chemo. While there, they did a blood test (PT/INR) to check the thickness of his blood. He has been on a medication to thin the blood since last Oct, when he got blood clots in his arm. This medication is tricky to dose, and they do blood thickness tests once a week. We are constantly changing the dose of the medication, depending on how his blood looks for that week. Normal blood is about 1, and with the medication they like his to be between 2 and 2.5. When they did the test on Tuesday, his blood was 7.9, which is very very thin. They called the Dr, had us stop the medication, and scheduled another PT/INR for today. We went in this morning, and his blood is still very thin, 5.9 today. They scheduled another test for Sunday morning.

While we were at the hospital, Jim got up to use the restroom. He got very dizzy and almost fell, but the nurse caught him. They sat him down and looked at his eyes, and found that one pupil was significantly more dilated than the other. They checked his speech and reflexes, and then called the Dr again. We went straight over to the Dr office, and met with the on call Dr. Our regular oncologist has been out of town for a few weeks. She called to talk to Dr Richards (radiation Dr) about Jim. She originally wanted to do an MRI, because they feel that cancer growth in the brain is causing these additional symptoms. However, after consulting with Dr Richards, they feel that Jim is too weak to undergo any type of treatment for cancer in the brain, and so decided not to do an MRI. It would only confirm what we already suspect, and we would not treat anyway. They feel that maybe the best course of action at this point is to go on Hospice. The chemo does not seem to be slowing the growth of the cancer, and is hard on Jims body. We have not decided what we are going to do, we are considering all the options.

Easter was a beautiful day here in St George, a little windy but sunny and warm. After Church, we took the kids to the park and had a picnic. After we ate, Jim and I lay on a blanket in the grass, and the kids played soccer and hit a tennis ball around. It was really nice.

Jims brother Kelly came to visit for several days last week. It was nice to see him, and he and Jim had a good visit. Grandma Cook and Becky drove down from SLC last Thursday. They came over to see Jim, stayed for about an hour, then drove back to SLC on Friday. Grandma is still looking good, 95 years young and still full of energy! It was really nice to see her.

It is rainy and cold today. Jim is snuggled up on the couch in the living room, watching movies. Please continue to pray for us. We know that the Lord will give us strength equal to the task.

Update from Julie

Sorry we haven't posted for a while. Jim seems to have a hard time writing on the computer lately, so I may be taking over for a while.

Jim started his new chemo about two weeks ago. We went in to IV therapy at 9:00 am, prepared to stay all day as we have done with his old chemo. We had a happy surprise when the nurse told us that we would probably be done by 10:00! Everything went very smoothly, and we were back in the car by 10:30. Jim was feeling great, so we decided to run some errands and then go to lunch. It was a beautiful day, warm and sunny, and we felt like we had really been blessed with a "bonus day" that we didn't expect to have.

The next day was the first day of radiation. They are doing 15 treatments, one each weekday for three weeks. The area they are targeting is the middle 1/3rd or so of the spine. The Drs found some new cancer growth mainly in his bones, a lot in the spine, and this treatment will hopefully kill some of this new cancer and relieve some of the spinal pain. This treatment went well, and the daily treatments only take about 30 minutes. We had another "bonus day", and were excited that Jim was doing so well.

By Friday, (April 27th), things started to catch up to him. He was feeling weak and exhausted, and started throwing up. He had a rough weekend.

Monday we got bloodwork and saw Dr Te. Jim's blood was still looking pretty good, and we got a new kind of nausea medication to try. The Dr did think that Jim was starting to get dehydrated, so we decided to get some hydration therapy Mon and Tues. It takes about three hours, and is just a good way to get some liquid into his body. It seemed to help a little.

We had some wonderful visitors this week. Monday, a good friend of Jims from High School, Hal Erickson and his wife, were able to spend most of the day with us. He and his wife live in France, and were in SLC to go through the temple with a daughter who is going on a mission. They made the long drive down to St George, and spent the morning with him at IV therapy. We went to lunch together afterwards. Hal gave Jim and I each a beautiful blessing before they left to go home. They brought such a beautiful spirit into our home.

Jim continued to get more tired and weak and the week progressed. He is sleeping most of the time now, kind of drifting in and out of sleep all day.

Friday morning I dropped him off at the door of the hospital where he gets his radiation therapy, and when I parked the car and got inside, I found him in a wheelchair with a couple of nurses talking to him. He had been unable to swallow anything all morning, and was too weak to walk. The radiation technologists were worried about doing his treatment, and called the radiation Dr to come see him. They put him in a bed in the radiation room, and we sat there for 30 min or so waiting to see Dr Richards. When Dr Richards arrived, we talked to him a little about how Jim was feeling, the nausea which had continued, his inability to swallow, and the general tiredness. The Dr also found some thrush in his mouth, which is a yeast infection. We decided to hold off and not do a treatment on Friday, and see how he feels by Monday. Dr gave us a prescription for the thrush. We got home and he started throwing up again. Rough day.

Saturday night Jim really wanted to go the the priesthood session of conference. Josh came over and got him and Justin, and they all went to the priesthood session. Jim took his wheelchair, and slept through most of it, but he made it to the end.

Jim is having a hard time walking, and is somewhat unsteady on his feet. He is feeling dizzy a lot. He has been somewhat withdrawn, very quiet and sleeping most of the day. I am not sure if we will continue with the radiation. I guess we will see how he is feeling tomorrow morning.

We appreciate all the love and prayers said on our behalf. We are so grateful for wonderful home teachers and Relief Society sisters. We are grateful for the Gospel, and the blessing of the Spirit in our home.

This may jump around bit but I have been reminded again to write

UPDATE:
My friend from the U of U reminded me how important it is. Thanks, Mitchell.




I went to the doctor's office today, as well as IV Therapy, and radiation. Starting tomorrow, we will head again in a different direction. As a lot of you may have been able to tell, I have been struggling with the old chemo treatment. And also we want to explore the possibility of me having depression issues. So along with the new chemo, we are going to start some radiation therapy down my spine. I went to get setup for that today too and found that difficult to do. It has been rough couple of weeks. Lost my appetite a lot (we think it was the antibiotics i was given by the lung specialist or maybe the iron we started or something so we are going to go off them one at time and see if it makes any difference. I apologize for the delay, but it has actually been hard to blog into the computer again.

A few people have come by this past week and made my week survivable including a quick visit back to the ER 0n Sunday. My folks came down for a few days, my brother Dan and his wife and their little baby. Both of my daughters came down, and tonight, Captain Lynn Mitchell came over for w a while. I forgot to take hiw picture before he left so I made him come back. I have a few pictures, scattered through my cameras, so I will try and find them. If I get them on twice forgive me and if I forget them, forgive me too. More later.


MOM an DAD and I in Snow Canyon:

Couple of new visitors

I had a few visitors that stopped on their way through. I am glad they stopped for whatever reason. Steve Allen and his wife have been longtime friends and golfing partners forever. Steve is one of the ones that we did the all-day marathon with every year. Going to really miss it.



Then Dave Copier and his boy stopped to visit again on their way down to the Mountainwest Tournament. Seems like everyone is headed down that way. So here is Dave in front of the blog wall.


Then these guys make it tough to know where they are going. Some more golfing buddies from a previous life (so to speak). Pugmire has already been on here once, but since his sweet daughter took good care of us in the hospital when I had my tube taken out (she was a sweetheart) I figured I would let Bryan be in twice for her. And Mike Dahle another good friend that we did a lot of golfing. All headed down for the Mountain West tournament. I almost got in and went with them. It was tempting.

Julie's take on things

Jim asked me to write for him today, since he is getting behind in blogging.

This has been a busy week. On Monday morning, we had an appt with Dr Te, (pronounced Tay) Jims oncologist. We had blood work done, and everything looked good clinically, except that Jim is losing weight again. He has been suffering from a lot of nausea, and has not had an appetite for a few weeks. We are not sure why, because he has not had chemo for five weeks. Possibly a side effect of some of the medications he is taking. But he didn't want to start another round of chemo if he was already feeling sick. The Dr agreed. He felt that we should change to a different type of chemo, and maybe that would make Jim less sick. The one he is on now is very harsh. So we are going to another regimen, once a week for three weeks, then one week off. We are scheduled to start that next Tues. We will see....

After the Dr, we went over the the new hospital to radiology. Jims drainage tube has not been working, and we, along with Dr Te, had decided that there was no reason to keep it in. They did a CT scan of his lungs, and there was not much fluid present. There also has been no shortness of breath, or pain in the lung area. We were baffled by this, because he has been producing so much fluid since October. The Dr told us there could be many reasons for the lack of fluid, but the most likely cause is that scar tissue has built up and fused the lining of the lung to the chest wall. This does not allow any space for the fluid to build up, which is actually a very good thing. The removal was easy, and only took about 10 minutes after the Dr came into the OR. Jim felt pretty good afterwards, and we went home after about 90 minutes in recovery.

Wednesday morning, Jim was scheduled for a PET scan. For this test, he has to drink a liter or so of radioactive fluid, then they strap him to a table and run a scan for about 30 minutes. He has to hold really still. They can then look at the results, and it tells us if the cancer is actively growing, and where and how much there is. He had one in October, another in December. Jim has been having increased pain in his back, so we were afraid that the cancer had been growing more in his spine and bones. He did pretty well for the scan, but had a hard time drinking all the fluid.

Wed afternoon, Justin competed in the regional solo and ensemble festival. Jim and I really wanted to see him perform, so we went to the school after the PET scan. We arrived in plenty of time, but were told the wrong room, so we sat in an empty auditorium while Justin played in the Seminary building. :( Such is life......

Wed evening, I was singing and speaking for a RS program, and Katie had a special fireside at the temple visitors center at the same time. So Jim packed up his oxygen, his blankie, pillow and fentanyl stick one more time, and drove Katie to the fireside. They even stopped by the Church on the way to hear me sing! Jim was exhausted when they got home, but he slept better Wed night than he has for a long time. :)

Thursday afternoon we had an appt with the lung Dr. He saw Jim in the hospital several weeks ago, and has been treating him with antibiotics for the lung infection. He looked at the CT scan, and told us that it looked like the infection was cleared up. Jim was very happy to hear this, because the antibiotics he has been taking were really yucky, and Jim had to take them four times a day for a month. It also has been upsetting his stomach. No more icky antibiotics, yeah!

The Dr. listened to Jims chest, looked at his bloodwork, and also looked at the PET scan results.
He told us that there is some new growth of the cancer, mostly in his bones and spine. There is also a small new growth in the upper lobe of the left lung. He said Jim has about 2/3 lung capacity still in his left lung. He also saw a small amount of fluid between the top and bottom lobes of the lung. Jims oxygen levels continue to look good. His blood count for the cancer is still high. We have another appt with Dr Te on monday, and we will discuss the possibility of radiation again, as well as the new chemo.

Today, we went for a drive. One thing that Jim really enjoys is going for a drive. We drove north today, and went all the way to Enterprise. Its a tiny little town, one gas station/grocery store, a miniature library, and a wee bitty post office. It looks a lot like Richfield, but much smaller. To get there, we drove through some amazingly beautiful country. Jagged red and white rocks one minute, forrest the next. We even saw some snow! We have gone lots of places the past few months that neither of us had ever been before, just driving around the countryside down here. It is so beautiful, we are truly blessed to live in such an amazing place.

Jims parents drove down to visit today, we are grateful to have them here. Next week is spring break for school and college, so we hope (with Justins help) to get some yard work done. Anyone who would like to volunteer to help........ :)

We rely so much on the Lord, and are so grateful for all the prayers and service in our behalf. We are reading a book together, The Peacegiver, by James L. Ferrell. It is a wonderful book, and we are having some great discussions about the atonement and forgiveness. It is really neat to have this time together, to draw closer to each other and to the Lord.

Sunday Morn again

Well here it is Sunday morning again and once again I am unable to sleep. Today it is for a more logical reason.... I somehow came down with the flu bug. Lee and Sharon W. stopped over and she made a special trip to bring me (what she called) contraband. She had made some chocolate dipped strawberries and even brought a box of chocolate doughnuts. They were down from Salt Lake for a golf tournament Lee played in and I am glad he stopped with Sharon to talk about golf a little. It was almost as good as talking about computers with Josh and Kirby. Now normally this would have been heaven for me, but just before they got here (and also right after they left) I got to visit the bathroom again in the kneeling position. I didn't think there was anything in there but enough to do the trick twice. So at the time it made it even worse when those two things (chocolate anything really) I would normally want so badly but they didn't even appeal to me. I appreciated the effort and the visit and I hope they don't catch the flu (I did warn them).

I have really been having a struggle with all this lately and I can't seem to shake it. I am tired of being sick all the time. I guess it is the opposite of the 5 weeks of relatively good health I had and the things I was able to do. In the Book of Mormon, Lehi tells Jacob there must needs be opposition in all things. I used to joke and tell people that is why I was brought into the world. Now I believe I was brought into the world to "experience" all the opposition instead of "be" it. I am sorry for the lack of writing and I got reprimanded by several people when I let my blog go for a few days. I apologize because I never thought that people would read into the silence the "worst case scenario" and I also never thought people had the time or inclination to check this every day but I heard from some people that they do. Again I am sorry.

So now to keep you updated: I am still scheduled to take out the drain tomorrow. Some of you might have missed it all, but a couple of weeks ago the drain stopped working. We went in to have it checked and they eventually replaced it. The "new" one didn't do any better so after talking with the doctors, we determined if it isn't going to work we might as well take it out. The current theory is that scar tissue or something has created pockets instead of one big pool of fluid laying in the lung area to drain. But on the same token, for some reason I have not been creating as much fluid to drain either. It could be the same scar tissue that is the cause of that as well. The interesting part is I am not sure my doctors are all communicating well because I have chemo scheduled for Tues., right after this little "removal" surgery. I am hoping the surgery is not that bad, but that is what they told me about the last time when they replaced it. I guess we will see. Prayers are in order again so I am putting out the cry for help through the prayers again. While you are at it, pray for a little help to get over this stupid emotional and mental depression I am going though. I could use a lot of help there as well.

I also wanted to brag on my kids again. Josh's choir concert was awesome (even though we forgot the pictures like I said), but then Justin's orchestra concert went over the top again. He played with both the High School and the Middle School and is first chair for both. Unfortunately he is a perfectionist and never happy if his performance is not perfect and we have to assure him that he did an awesome job anyway. He had a solo inbetween the High School and Middle School concerts along with several other kids. There was one kid that played the violin and was probably in the same level of ability as Justin, but everyone forgets to mention that he is only in Middle School. I really am proud of both of them. Josh just decides to pick up the sticks and play the Marimba this semester (I think there was a little desire to be with Kirby too...lol) and Justin just always blows us away. I need to also say that Kirby (was in Josh's concerts too) was great too, and she deserves some recognition because not only is she gifted on percussion and the piano, she makes Josh try harder too at the things he does. We love her being a part of our family and she is an angel as well. I love my boys (and girls) and in a discussion with one of my friends (and former employee) from Rapid City he commented on how lucky I was to have a close relationship with my family and when he wrote that to me, it reminded me again of how grateful I was for my second chance. I know that this should help me overcome some of the depression, and I forget how grateful I am sometimes, but it seems to be harder to remember as time goes on.

I also want to thank my wife publicly for all she does. When Katie got the flu a few weeks ago, it pushed her to her limit having two extremely needy and whining "kids" so I was so glad when her parents came down and rescued her. And Teresa the week before. Thanks to all of you, and while we are at it, I want to thank all our other angels here on earth. Our home and visiting teachers, and Julie's companion Marsha. I did make it to the hearing ward last Sunday and bore my testimony which was one of my short range goals. Then last Friday night we went over to the deaf branch for an activity. It always amazes me how many people show up to those activities and also what good food they have too. I wished I could have eaten more. We need to take Katie to all the activities for the branch because they called her to be the branch Historian. So she took her camera and took pictures. Now we have to put them on the branch blog I created. She is pretty excited about that too.

Well I hope that updates you on my status so no one gets mad at me again for a while. Pray hard and you are all in my prayers as well.

Sorry it has been a while

I apologize for the delay. I have been getting out a lot and doing some things that are good for I think, but they really wear me out. I also am having a real hard struggle emotionally. I talked to Josh Haycock about it a little and he said it is normal. Well since I have never been considered normal in my life, I was hoping to bypass that. But no....I get a full on dose of depression, emotional breakdowns, and even one or two "Why me's" have escaped my lips. So since everyone wants to see me be mr. positive on m blog and I haven't been really positive at all, I have had a hard time writing anything. I have even lost my apetite which is terrible because I had a great appetite a while ago. But now my stomach is in constant turmoil and I have even lost two more pounds according to them doctors office last week.

So I will try and pull myself out of it and do better. Don't give up on me. I am scheduled to have the drain in my chest taken out still on Monday (it quit working 3 weeks ago) and if all goes well then another round of chemo on Tues. Fun times for all....... Hang on......

Another word from our sponsor.....

Oh wait I don't have a sponsor yet.......anyone want to be my sponsor. I don't know what for but I am sure we could come up with something. So here is the latest for today. I am scheduled to have my drain removed next Monday after the tests in the morning. The morning tests are to determine if I am still good for chemo on Tues. We postponed the chemo for a week and I am finding reasons everyday why it was a good thing. I was thinking about the reasons I believe I have been given a second chance here on earth. I have been saying since last year that one major reason for the second chance was to build better relationships with my family and to be able to attend their plays and concerts and to be able to see how gifted my kids are (and then brag about it on my blog). So since I believe that wholeheartedly, it happened again several times this week and if I had had chemo, I would not have been able to go to these performances.

Josh had a choir concert and when we got there (a little late) we ended up on the very front row and when Josh stepped forward for one of the songs we got to hear him sing a grat solo, and see him right in front of us. It was awesome but even though we took the camera, we were so enthralled with his performance, we forgot to get some pictures. He did a great job and I made it to the very end. Then on Tues he had another concert. This one was for the percussion and jazz band. I decided no matter how tired I was I would be there. Thanks to my fentinel sticks and hydrocodone I went and thoroughly enjoyed every song. I found out Josh did something new this semester that I didn't know he tried. Kirby talked him into taking the percussion class and even though he had never plyed it before, I watched him play the marimba in this concert. He looked like he was having a great time and he said later he was. It was totally awesome. Plus I was able to stay again to the very end.

Then, just about 10 minutes ago Justin brought me a paper telling us he had a couple of concerts tomorrow night. I am so glad that I am able to go and now I think I may know another possible reason for me not feeling ready for chemo. I would have missed some pretty important concerts for me to have missed. So if it was something else,then that is ok too, but it has given me a chance to make good on my committment and I am really trying hard to take advantage of my second chance. So with my medication and the Lord's support I will be there.

My wife is correct

Julie has been telling me all week that it is my life and I am in charge because I was not feeling good about going in for chemo already. We went in for the blood tests and all systems were go from the tests, but I talked to my doctor about my concerns and after discussing everything we postponed it one week. Then we went to radiology and checked on the drain. In that discussion we decided that the drain is not going to do any more good so we are going to take it out (possibly in the next day or two (which we wouldn't be able to do if I had had chemo). I hope it works out so we can get it done. I also hope I am feeling better next week because I do want to get this chemo done as it is the last one before another PT scan which will tell us how well the chemo is working. Anyway I am still tired (really tired) but I hope I can get better by next week. In fact I am too tired to write any more, but I will try and keep you updated as the week develops. Thanks again for the prayers.

Concert was awesome

I made it through the concert and it was awesome. Josh even had a solo part and did a terrific job. I think we blew it though because we got so caught up in the concert we forgot to take any pictures and we even remembered to take the camera. Oh boy are we sorry. Anyway Josh was great and Kirby did some percussion stuff for them. Great fun and I made it all the way to the end of Josh's songs. Gotta love my "morphine sticks". Congrats you two.

Little by Little

Well it seems to be true. Every day I get feeling better and better. Yesterday, we went to a spa place where Julie and Katie played tennis and I watched. It was good to get out and then we went to the hottub and I actually put my feet in and it felt so good. One of the side effects of both chemo and diabetes is you can lose some of the feeling in your feet and so since I have both, it is a for sure thing that my feet are always tingling and feel cold. Most of the time it feels like I have hundreds of tiny needles pushing up from the bottom and when I walk it makes it even worse. Anyway, the hottub helped take some of the needles away so I think I will try and go as often as I can with them. It helped Julie feel better too. We had a good time all together. Katie even met a new friend in the hottub. A girl that knew a little sign language and tried to sign with her. After a few minutes, we found out she was Justin's drama teacher at the middle school. What a small world.

Today I am resting as much as I can to get ready for Josh's concert tonight. I really want to see it. So we are praying hard for some extra strength for tonight. I will let you know how it goes.

Finally

After many many days of no better changes, I think today is better. I walked with Julie's dad yesterday up the street and it wore me out a little but I think it was good too. I feel a little bit better today and have actually been able to get out of bed for a while. I am hoping this is the first day of the upward trend. Will keep you posted.

Today's update

I am still extremely tired and all I do is sleep it seems. It seems like that part never gets any better. Julie's dad is here "tending" us and so far he has spent quite a bit of time paying attention to Katie because i have just been sleeping. But Katie has kept him pretty busy playing "Sorry" (the board game) and making three different things for lunch that Katie says taste weird so she won't eat (he thinks they taste fine). I tried to get up and go for a walk up and down the circle, but all it did was make me even more tired. I am totally exhausted now. I am trying to stay sitting in my chair, but I keep looking at my bed next to me and wondering if it is really calling me or if I am just hearing voices like I used to. I thought years and years of therapy got rid of the voices.

I am so glad they came down and I hope Julie has a good break with her mom. Sometimes all you need is your mommy to make things all better.

New test

I guess the Lord decided we didn't have enough trials and tests, so he blessed us with the flu. While Brittany was here over the weekend, Katie picked up the flu bug somewhere. She started throwing up Saturday. So we are quarantined into our rooms and poor Julie has been pushed to the limit. Luckily her parents are coming down today and try and give her a break. Her Dad is going to "tend" us (me and Katie) and her Mom is going to take her out for "Julie day". I am so glad. She needs a break. One of us dependent, whining, needy patients is enough to do anyone under, but now two is what I would consider cruel and unusual punishment. My thanks goes to them even before they get here. Julie is so looking forward to it.

Sunday

And so it drags on. I am glad I had a few good weeks and lots of people visit because this treatment effects keeps hanging on longer than before. I may not have a good week this time. Even today I was barely able to get some food in me but all I want to do is sleep, and sleep, and sleep. I hope I get a turn around soon. If not, I will have very little time to feel better before we go back to it again. Yukkky. Still have a bit of a bad attitude.

Last night I also had a terrible bout of fear. After Julie went to bed, I had a great fear come over me and the worst part was I didn't know what I was afraid of. But until I laid down next to Julie I was almost completely overcome with fear. After laying by her for 10 minutes and saying a prayer, I finally felt better and went to bed on my side, took my pills and went to sleep. Still don't know what it was, but I know I didn't like it. I hope it doesn't come again.

Well time for my afternoon nap (like my Dad says).

Makes you wonder

You know, I just finished watching the Jazz game they dedicated to Larry Miller and have watched several of the tributes to him and they keep showing the doctor for Larry who makes the point that they could have had him around for 20 or 30 years more if he had taken care of himself before. So obviously I have decided that I am going to do everything I can (especially because I have diabetes as well), but it makes me wonder 2 things; 1) If there was anything in my life that I could have done to prevent this cancer or 2) if it is God's will could anything I do affect it before or after. It makes me wonder but I am still committed to doing everything I can to prolong my time which includes taking care of myself, eating better, and doing the insulin like I should. Just thinking...... and maybe I shouldn't think so much.

I am sorry

I guess I am in trouble for not keeping up with the blog. I apologize to those of you who like to read it, but I couldn't get myself to write anything this whole week while I was in the hospital and honestly I am not really in the mood right now either, but since I have been alerted by several people as to the importance in their lives of reading my blog, I will try. I will start with the hospital info and then talk about a couple of other things.

Last weekend. I was having some concerns about my breathing and also some chest pains that were more than normal or at least different. So Sunday morning, after trying to drain again with only minimal success Julie again felt that we should go into the ER. So early in the afternoon we tested our theory again. Normally when you go into the ER and you could have a bone sticking out someplace and they make you fill out registration stuff and sit out in the open area for at least an hour. But we found the trick. You look sickly (not to hard for me), walk in hunched over and tell them you are having chest pains and a hard time breathing. Every time we do that , they immediately put me in a wheelchair and call for an open room. I was back in a bed laying down within 5 minutes and the registration lady came back and got the information from Julie while she was in the room with me. So now you know how to beat the system. I think the people who were in the waiting room were ticked off pretty good.

After several tests and an x-ray and a cat-scan, Dr. Te was called and he agreed that I should be checked in. A good part of that was because my blood thinning was out of control again. It is supposed to be aound 2.x and this time it was even higher than the last time. IT was just over 6.0. We said hi to all our friends on the way (we know about half the people there now) and when we got onto the third floor, about half the nurses said welcomed us back again too. Then they started doing a lot of different tests and eventually a lung specialist come in and start looking into my situation. I did some lung tests, they had me on antibiotics, and lots of other drugs. The best thing was that all I had to do was tell them the pain was coming back and they would bring in a desert tray full of pain killers and say "what kind would you like today?". I could choose between fentynil sticks or IV, or a couple others that I didn't go for or my drug of choice...... morphine. With my port-a-cath accessed, drawing blood and injecting drugs is quick and easy. It is going to be tough to going back to having to wait.

After the results came back from some of the tests for the lung specialist they found a second infection they didn't know about and finally got my blood back to the thinness is was supposed to be at. I guess cumedin is not an art. It is sometimes tricky to get it right. The worst thing about this trip to the hospital was my attitude and how tired I was. Several people came to visit and I didn't even stir (which is very unusual for me) and I slept a lot. I mean a lot. This made me very frustrated bacause I could not spend much time awake with Julie. I told her she might as well go home and take care of the kids at home. Unfortunately, this happened to be one of those times when I found I really needed her. I feel like a wimp at those times, but I don't care anymore. I really missed her and spent one night crying most of the time I was awake. Luckily I slept more than I cried. The next night she stayed with me later and only went home after I fell asleep. I love her so much and I now hate the hospital even more. After several days, lots of test, x-rays, and about every nurse in that place checking my breathing, taking my vitals, and 15 bazillion pills they let me go home. Just before I left, I started to feel quite naseaus again, but I took an anti pill and waited till I could sit up enough to get in the car and made a break for it. Got home ok but went straight to bed and fell asleep immediately.

End result: It was a tough way to find it, but I think it was critical that we went in and Dr. Te called in the Lung specialist because he found the second infection that needed a different anti-biotic and they also re-verified several things that had been a concern to me like the fluid in the heart area and lung area. I was happy about that.

I do have to compliment the people at the DRMC also know as the IHC Hospital here in St. George. The doctors and nurses were very good and very friendly. They get an A for service.

When I got home and finally turned the computer on and checked mail and things, I read my friend Megan's update on her surgery and realized that I was pretty blessed to get in and out with the little bit I went through and again I immediately said another prayer for her. Bless her soul, she is a great inspiration to me. She has a great spirit and and a great husband. Like me, if we didn't have the great spouses we do, we would never make it and I know it. God bless you Josh H. and thanks to my lovely wife Julie. Megan our prayers are with you and hopefully you will be out soon too.

I will write more in a bit, but for now, I am too exhausted.

Be back soon I hope. At least the weather is nice and oh hey I almost forgot..... Brittany drove down for the weekend. It is so great to see her. I think I will go give her another hug. Love her a lot.

Ha .... fooled you all

Just when you (and I) thought I was on my way back, I fooled everyone and decided to have chest pains and shortness of breath enough that Julie listened to the spirit and ....... even though I fought it all day we finally went to the ER around 1:30 in the afternoon and after some testing and checking and cat scans and all, they decided to check me back in again. My blood thinning must be going really well cause it is back up to 6 (should be around 2 -2.3) and last time the admitted me before it was only 5 so we beat our old record. I got a little bit of a bloody nose and it wouldn't stop for over 45 minutes. So here we are again and they are checking on some other things especially for infections but I am glad I am here where they can monitor the thinness of my blood until we get it right (again). I can't believe it all goes crazy just when I think I have beat it for this time. The good news is that I have a little appetite back and I have Julie convinced that the only thing I can get to stay down right now is steak. (Good one huh). But it is true and it is also the only thing that sounds good when I think about eating.

It was pretty funny because as we checked in to the ER and then when they wheeled me back to my room (it's the 3rd time I have been on the 3rd floor, we passed about 20 people and almost half of them would get a big smile and say "Hey how are you..... back again I see" We have more friends now in the hospital than we do at our house. Even some guy came up to Julie down in the cafeteria and said, "Hey, aren't you James Cook's wife" a few weeks ago. I guess we are here more than I would suspect is typical. They say you make an impact everywhere you go, but I would think that the hospital is not one to braag about.

Nicole came down for the weekend and it was great to have her, but it was not great because I spent most of the time in bed trying to get better until today when I checked into the hospital. Not fun at all. She had some friends down with her though who stayed at one of their parents condos or something. They had a few activities and parties, so she was ok, but I missed her and hope that next time she (and I) will be able to do something together. I am trying real hard to look at a positive side of this and I guess when I consider what other reasons could have brought me here, I actually do count my blessings (huh Megan). Still praying for you and Josh.

Thanks to everyone who recently sent me an update to their families as well on my e-mail because I love to hear what is happening to all of you. If I end up not sleeping tonight (which is highly likely cause the hospital is the wrong place to try and get any rest) I may be back on the computer and putting down some more thoughts.

Love you all ...... Jim (#5097x) number on my tag......lol.

Sunday thoughts delayed (not morning)

I was laying here this morning (it is actually Monday now) and realized that in some aspects, I am still being selfish and need to learn to think of others and their needs as well as mine. This came to me when my home teacher (from the deaf branch) and very dear friend Bro. Harris finally came over after not coming for a few weeks. I really missed him and (through the Branch President) kind of put a little guilt trip on him and he finally came over last night. As we talked, I realized (as did he) that one of the biggest reasons he hasn't come over is because of his closeness to people (lots of them in his family) who get cancer and then he loses them when they die. He finally found someone that he bonded with (that would be me) and he was afraid to lose me. Well, I totally understand and I realized that he needed time to resolve that in his mind and I started pressuring him to come over before it was resolved. We are ok now and I feel like we both walked away last night from the visit with a good feeling and I love him even more than before, but again I felt ashamed and humbled that I did not think of his feelings or situation. Instead all I cared about was I wanted someone to take care of my loneliness and needs. (I blame it on the medication and I am sticking with it.)

Now update on the week. This week set me back a little and it was a pretty rough one. I spent a lot of the week in bed or in my chair next to my bed. This is not my idea of a good time. Trust me. And because I went into this week's chemo in less than good strength, I think the chemo had an even tougher impact on me. But I think I am on the upswing now. Yesteday (Sunday) I was able to get out twice for a quick walk around the track (that is a little path up and down the street in front of my house that has become my walking trail). I have been able to eat more and it has stayed down and I do not have to have an anti-naseau pill everytime I try and eat anything. This week has left me weak. I have no strength in my legs at all. But I am working on it with the walks. Now if I can get a little more sleep at night, we just may be on our way back.

That is the update. ttyl

Wish I could forget more

I forgot what a trip it is on chemo and I wish I could forget more. It has been so long since I had a "downer week" that I forgot how bad it can be. Actually I do remember how bad it can be from the first time, but I forgot what the next few times were like..... but I remember now. I think I laid in bed all morning and couldn't hardly move (didn't want to either) except to go into the next room for a few minutes and come back to bed. Julie asked me twice how I was doing and I didn't even answer, I just put a "thumbs down" in the air and went back to sleep. I have been able to control the nausea pretty much with the pills. It doesn't make it go away really, it just keeps me from following through. It's tough too because I have pains as well left over from surgery that need medicine to cope. The medicine I need for that usually suggests not to take it without food and food is almost impossible to get down even with the nausea pills. I also am supposed to be drinking lots of fluids to get the chemo out of my body as quick as I can and even drinking anything right now is a challenge.

Like I said, I forgot how much fun chemo can be. But I am not really complaining because I have first hand experience on how much worse it can be and was. I am grateful for medicine, doctors, friends, wives (well mostly mine), family, and most importantly my testimony of my savior. All of these have played a part in my reaction, readjustment, and recovery thus far from the cancer. While my cancer will never go away, I am grateful for the second chance (like I have expressed before) to reconnect and reestablish relationships as well as build new memories with many people friends. So to all of you who have helped me in any way, I wanted to thank you again. You all have been so good to me and supported me in anything I have needed. From the wonderful people in Rapid City, and my friends and family in Salt Lake, to the great people here in St. George and all my friends and relatives I have all over (most of them I found on "facebook" too). I thank each of you for what you have done and I hope and pray that your efforts will be rewarded as much as is possible.

I might not write a whole lot for a couple of days, but know that I love each and everyone of you and love to see your comments and get you e-mails too. Have a "great moment" for me too and share them with me if you want.

Morning after

Well, so far the real bad after effects of the chemo haven't hit yet so I wanted to take some time to share some thanks again. This one goes to my oldest boy Josh and his wife Kirby. He and Kirby were inspired to come over Mon night after they got most of their homework done. Josh and Kirby are both taking classes to graduate from Dixie in the computer program and they also work for the college doing tech support (although in different areas). Two peas in a pod for sure. When they come over, it is the only time I get to talk "geek speek" and every time I do, I feel so much happier. I love my wife with all my heart, but computers have never been something that she has been interested in, other than e-mail, word processing and a few therapeutic games. So, Josh and Kirby are like a shot of adrenalin for me when they come over and visit me.

I was very very apprehensive Mon night (even my wife commented that I was extremely over agitated). They were inspired to come over by Justin hounding them for a new game they introduced to him over the weekend until they gave in and brought it over. But they stayed for a couple of hours and we just talked about their jobs and classes and it completely calmed me down and the best part was discussing their latest episodes at the college. In fact I think Josh has the best (or close to it) "tech support line from a customer" I think I have heard in quite a while.

Josh was trying to help a professor set up some software for his class. The College's IT department finally purchased for him because he was so demanding. He changed his mind regularly on certain aspects like where the computer desks had to be, so wiring became an issue and so forth. He also got so frustrated because he tired to install it himself (the professor) on all the computers in the class when the college had only got a 20 user license and identified 20 machines that it was installed on. So the professor used his own dept money to buy 20 more licenses but not the upgrade that had been applied to the first 20 already (so it was a different version too) and installed the new software himself. Not knowing any of this at the time, Josh began the imaging process the night before it was needed and when he came in the next day, the professor came in and was upset because he couldn't get to the internet after he logged on and couldn't get to his files etc. The only problem with the professor's story was the imaging process had not completed with the reboot so there was no way he could have logged on in the first place and when Josh tried to point this out, Josh explained "your hard drive doesn't even have an operating system on it yet" the professor was very perturbed. I think he may have also realized he had been caught in his own words and no way out so he just got upset and said (you are going to love this one) " I don't need a hard drive, I just need to have this program loaded". Even semi-geeks have to love that one. It has become my new great one liner. Josh tried to be polite and just turned back to the computer and tried not to bust up laughing. Pretty good if they don't need a hard drive. Now all you real techy people are going to immedialtey see that as a challenge and start to figure out how to do it with external storage, and vitual apps and virtual machines, or even going clear into citrix and so on, but if you do figure it out and want to get into it, I will be happy to give you Josh's e-mail. I prefer to enjoy the humor of the principle itself. I have had my share of those experiences as well (nomenclature included).

I am really blessed to have such good kids and Nicole is coming back down this weekend and I am so happy again. I got to talk to Brittany on the phone the other day for almost a half hour and that made me feel better too. My kids are doing everything they can. Even Katie comes in every so often and asks if there is anything she can do. You should know how I feel about Justin too. Wow, when I think about these kids, I realize I have been blessed (maybe more than I deserve) but I am grateful anyway. Maybe it is because I chose the right wife. Ok, that's the one I am sticking with because it is the truth.

They say the truth will set you free, let's see what it will do for my cancer. I have decided to accept the truth. I have cancer. There now let' s see what happens. Wait wait wait........... Nothing yet....... maybe it takes longer....... so I will let you know what happens tomorrow. Until them have a great "5 moment day". Especially you Sharon. I sense you need one today so look for them and report to me later (jk).


Anyway, the whole thing did wonders for me and when I went to chemo yesterday I was calmed way down and ready to do it. I know they stayed a lot longer to talk with me that night because they had to get up early for school, but I love my kids because they also are willing to listen to the spirit and heed the promptings and their visit was just one of those occasions. We do have angels on this side of the veil and I have some that I call my kids. When you see your kids turning out as good as you hoped they would, it helps make it so worthwhile. It is even more exciting when they begin to choose spouses that you feel are also good spirits with good family upbringing and so far our kids have done stellar at that in our minds. We couldn't ask for better than Kirby and Clint for Josh and Brit...........and we haven't given up totally on Nicole yet either.......lol.

Chemo evening

I have just gotten home from the chemo and so far everything went well. IT was typical. Checked in at IV therapy at the old hospital at 8:45 am and got hooked up to the tubes by 10:00. Then it just dripped in all day. We finished the last bag at 4:00 and Julie brought me home. So uneventful. I didn't get sick or anything while I was there. I do think that I was a little bit more tired than before because I was pretty apprehensive last night and didn't sleep well. I don't think I will have a lot of problem making up the time. If all goes as expected, I will have a lot of up and down days but mostly down. I will try and keep it updated here as best as I can. Thanks for everyone's support.

We are a go

In spite of all my attempts to find a reason not to have chemo (lol) we are forging ahead as planned tomorrow with my next chemo treatment. So I am going to head down the bad chemo weeks pathway starting tomorrow. Should be a riot. Hopefully I will be able to keep you posted on some of it.

Ttyl

Sunday Morning - 4:00 in the morning

Today's contemplations:

I have been thinking a lot about a conversation I had with a friend last night who I believe was inspired to come to my rescue and didn't know it. This friend is one of those (like I used to be) who has a lot of spiritual guidance in their life but has chosen to not always accept it as such. They are influenced a lot (like last night) by the spirit and even follow the promptings, but then they have a hard time recognizing the outcome as "tiny miracles" or spiritual guidance. Like last night for instance. I was in a lot of pain and the usual dosage of medication was not enough. I was tired of the pain and was just depressed.

I got on Facebook to see if that would help. I had a few people say hey and ask how I was and I just came right out and said how I felt at the time (pretty crappy) and most of them said oh sorry but were at a loss as to what they should say (I would be too). But after this one friend asked, and I responded, their answer caught my attention and I felt the spirit prompt me to talk to them some more. I didn't know why at the time, but it wasn't long before I realized that I could learn a lot from our discussion and then I also noticed that our conversation was also a tiny miracle (at least to me) and answer to my silent prayer. I had taken more medication but prayed quickly while I did, that I would be able to endure the pain until it went away. Most of the time I would have not put this whole converstion together as the answer to prayer that it was and both of us could easily have counted it as coincidental that we happened to be on there at the same time, etc. Not so anymore as I thought about it this morning.

Last night I was thinking (based on some of their questions) that I might be able to help them, as of this morning's meditations, I realized how much they helped me with those same questions and I thought through again some of the answers they gave me. I realized that I am still living in a very ego-centric world and need to start thinking more often about learning more from others. I was a little bit ashamed of my attitude, and hope that I can do better.

Now I am also grateful for other life long friends. I had my "friends forever" Dan P. and Andrea (another best friend from Qwest) stop and talk for a few minutes. I really needed that visit too and you can mark it off as coincidental if you want but I believe it was another tiny miracle. Some car situations and transportation for some people who were down here for my wife (Teresa and Julie's sister Maria), all of a sudden got resolved. Now Dan and Andrea probably don't know that they were answers to some prayers, but they were. And on top of that it really was great to visit with my old friend Dan. He has always been an awesome exmple to me of a terrific Dad to his kids, and a loving grandpa, as well as a hard worker, and like I said before a long time friend that I always have been able to count on no matter what. I am having a hard time transferring the pictures, but as soon as I can. I will have theirs right here.......lol

(picture of Dan and Andrea coming soon)

Lash out

Getting tired of not feeling well....... I HATE IT..........so there!

Grandma Cook

I mentioned my Grandma the other day in one of my posts. I wanted to say hi to her again and tell you a little bit about her. Grandma is 95 years young. She was always fun to visit because we knew where she kept the fig newtons hidden in the drawer in the kitchen. She always likes to brag about her posterity so I collected it so I could brag for her. Here is the latest count.
Children- 6
Grandchildren - 28 (I fit in here)
Great GrandCh- 94
Gr. Gr. Grandch - 23

For a total of ...... 151 immediate posterity.

She is awesome and a great inspiration to me. Thanks grandma.
(By the way to my relatives, she has Aunt Margie read the blog to her so say hi if you want.)

Voiceupdate

As suspected, we need to do a follow-up injection for my throat. It worked really good for a week and then started backwards a little. The doctor was not too concerned, and we just scheduled the next one for the 25th (so far, but we will see how that goes). I barely made it through the appointment today but I am doing better than yesterday and a whole lot better than the day before. It has been pretty rough and I am grateful again for the pain meds I have. They are about the only thing that gets me through it. That a lot of prayers. So thanks to everyone again.

next update in .........well whenever something happens.....

4 AM Philosophy

RANDOMNESS

Well here we are again at 4:00 like usual. Random thoughts this morning. I wanted to take a minute to thank my other brothers and sisters that have been trying to deal with my cancer in their own ways and I want them to know that I appreciate their efforts and their prayers. We were all taught by our mother and father that prayers work, and I know they do. In my case, I think a lot of us (myself included) were praying for things that were not in God's plan for me. So I am trying to bring his will into my life and make it mine. But anyway, back to my family..... My older brother Keldon who for years has tried to convince me that California (well San Jose) where he lives is the best place to live. I am sure it is for you, but for me right now (picture me in ruby red slippers clicking the heels 3 times) "there's no place like home.... there's no place like home". And that would be St. George today. Home used to be Murray, but mom's dolls chased us all out......lol. My older Sister Holly has her hands full in Cleveland Ohio but their Mission Presidency will be over in.......oops don't get trunky. My younger sister Wendy and I have some drugs in common right now too.... she gets to take coumadin as well. She has her hands full with little Tyler for sure, but he will grow up to be a great kid like his brother Chris. Then Dan.... my little bother as I call him (but it is definitely in jest - DORK). We used to golf a lot together and hope to again someday. He even learned that when you throw your clubs, you throw it down the fairway towards the green so you don't hold everyone up retrieving it. And then Judy. What can we say about her. She doesn't do anything half way. It is amazing what she gets done. She lives right behind David Archeleta (and Judy's house is for sale... don't tell anyone though it is a secret....lol.. it really is not a secret, but it is for sale). Well I hope I didn't say anything bad (I usually screw it up when I am trying to tell people thanks and how great they are. And they are great. Everyone of us are still getting along great. We try to talk with each other every so often (I gotta figure out how to catch Kelly on facebook, but we can't ever seem to be on together. Maybe we will have to schedule it......ahhhh ....nooooooo... be organized????? Not me. So thanks to the Cook kids at least my 5 siblings that are just great and I am so glad I could be in this family. I hope I haven't made things too difficult for you, but I am learning so much, that it actually has moments where I am grateful for this time. I know that sounds weird, but it happens from time to time. I am not happy about what is happening to my body, but to my mind and spirit I am growing a lot. Oh .... that reminds me (my mind), in case I didn't report on it (can't always remember) the MRI showed that the cancer spots on my brain are no worse either so they aren't concentrating on them right now. That is just fine with me.... I got a lot of other places we can focus on. So they tell me.....

I also wanted to say hey to my Grandma Cook who is enjoying some time back east with my uncle Maurice. I am glad they are taking good care of her. I do miss seeing her every so often at reunions and such. In fact her huge reunion she put together at the Homestead a few years ago was a highlight of my life and I will always cherish the memories of the whole thing. Thanks Grandma.

My family is great and I love them all but I better move on......

More later....

Longer update with more detail

When I went to the doctor yesterday we had no idea what to expect with respect to my drain. My drain is simply a plastic tube that they pushed inside the lung cavity area and one end sits inside between the lung area and my chest (this is where the fluid is collecting). I thought there was some sort of filtering device on that end, but we learned last night that the tube just has a lot of holes in it at that end... nothing special. Then if you follow the tube out of the side of my body it has a little receptor hole at the end of the tube out here that you have to put a special connector in to drain the fluid. It is fairly new technology, but I (we) have been so glad to have it. So even with all this new (to me) info, the doctors were unable to determine why mine stopped working. I got into Radiology outpatient / staging area about 2:00 or 2:30 pm and we waited for a long time since they were squeezing us in. I was happy to wait. They finally came in and surrounded my bed and tried to clean the tube, inject saline, and whatever they could do to get it working again. No joy. So at this point (5:30 pm) they decide to take me back to a room where they do a little more involved surgeries. I vaguely remember this room from last October and then I (correctly) remember some recovery pain associated with it as well. The radiology people really know all about this drain and after they got me in the other room vand the doctor that did the original surgery (Dr. Olsen) came in they started pumping some medication into me that was supposed to help me feel better but I believe it was also to make me forget about what was about to happen to me in the next hour. I actually do remember crying out in pain several times throughout the procedure but I don't think Dr. Olsen was too concerned at the time. He never could determine what caused it to stop working so the only option left was to replace it. This they did and sent me back to my room. They observed me for a few more hours and then sent me home. I was happy to get home but later that night (or the next morning however you want to look at it) I was even more grateful for strong pain medication. I haven't had pain like this for a while but more grateful than ever for successful chemo.

It also brings back my respect and admiration for dear Megan and everything she is going through. My prayers are with you again friend. And to your great husband Josh H. my thanks for everything you are doing for her so she can be an inspiration to us all.

So how am I today? Bad enough that I couldn't go to my doctor's apt for proper authorization for chemo tomorrow. No go on chemo. (hey I like that one). There is a cheer for you Judy.....No go on chee mo.... , no go ... on che moo....lol.

Chemo is now rescheduled (again) for next tues. and I just hope that we can get it all under control by then. In the meantime I am sitting in my chair again remembering all the good visits I had and hoping it won't be long before we have more.

So now you know...... and knowing is half the battle (old timers join in ......GI JOE). Those who are old enough

I will try and update...good news bad news again...lol

HERE IS THE UPDATE:

The bad news was that drain was unable to be fixed so they had to replace it.
The good news was that the radiology dept at the hospital (who were the ones that put it in) could squeeze me in at the end of the day for surgery.
The bad news was that they also squeezed in few more before me too,
The good news was that we only missed one apt
The bad news was that it was a follow up with Dr. Richards on the radiation.
The good news was that they finally got me into the room in radiology where they did the surgery and they were not going to put me under.
The bad news was ....... they were not going to put me under....lol
The good news was that the local anesthetics they gave me made me forget a lot anyway
The bad news was that it did not make me forget that the doctor was not gentle with me (I remember well the pain, but somehow didn't care at the time (enough drugs can do that I guess).
The good news was that I got to go home after about 3 hours or so of monitoring.
The bad news was as soon as I got home I could tell the medication was wearing off and quickly remembered exactly where the doctor was "not gentle".
The good news is that I have lots of drugs to help mitigate the pain.
The bad news is.... I had to use a lot of it at 3:00 in the morning.
The good news is, it worked so far.

Now the question is "Am I still going to be ready for chemo on Wed (I guess that is tomorrow). More tests today will tell us the answer to that one. Also, after a good discussion with the doctors and nurses at Radiology, we understand a whole lot more about this particular drain system and feel really good about the decision to use it. Also when they did drain the fluid that had built up in my lung cavity area, it ended up being about half of the amount that we anticipated. That is good too.

I will discuss more later about the drain tube, but I know a lot of people were wondering about the surgery so I tried to get it out there as quick as I could and now I need to try and let the drugs work and help me sleep (if I can).

Have a great "5 magic moment" day.

Sunday morning thoughts

Emotional RollerCoaster:

Well this past two weeks has been a truly wild ride emotionally. Like a regular roller coaster. Typically I like roller coasters but not when you are describing my emotional experiences. It is very, very hard. And when everyone tells you that they are so impressed, that you are being positive through all this, you feel even more pressure to remain positive. Well for those of you that were expecting more out of me, I let you down this past week. I will admit to you publicly, that I had several emotional breakdowns and actually cried a lot. Some came from various experiences and other times it was just more than I could handle. But....... through it all I had several faith confirming experiences (and a couple of angels) that helped me through it. In looking back at each of them, one thing came through over and over to me and helped me more than anything else. I have a testimony of the gospel and know that I will be able to live forever with my wife and family if I remain faithful.

Most of my emotional breakdowns came in the middle of the night and I knew that all I had to do (and a couple of times I did) was go into the bedroom and wake my wonderful angel wife up and she would make everything all better (as much as she can). It was very comforting to know and to use this truth when I really needed her. Three nights ago (my 4:00 in the morning / can't sleep episode) was punctuated with a can't breathe and lots of pain in my chest and I immediately fell into a reality possibility mode and sort of lost it again. I climbed back into the bed (wishing I could snuggle some day again, but until the tubes are gone have to sleep only on my back) and started crying hard enough to wake up my wife. She held my hand through it and promised she would always be there for me until I settled down. This took about a half hour. I used to care if people knew I had these emotional breakdowns, but now I think it is important that those of you that are so impressed with my positive attitude, know that there is the other side I don't talk about a lot (but am not ashamed of now like I used to be). I have them like everyone else. They are more a part of my life now more than ever. I didn't use to let them out much. I don't know for sure that it "helps" me any to let them out, but I know now that they are necessary and it is ok. I think it helps me somewhat I believe so I can "live with it".

So those are my thoughts for today.

I hope you all have a great Sunday and then an even better week.

A lot of you are doing the 5 moment thing and that is awesome. It seems to help others as much as it did me. Thanks Sharon for the tips on "magic moments".

Nicole is amazing and Dad gets to brag

My Daughter Nicole:

I am sure it will embarrass her a lot, but as a proud father of a very talented daughter it is my right (and responsibility) to do whatever I can in both of those areas. (Now that she is 21, as we found out earlier... she knows how to party....lol) As some of you might know my Nicole (going to school at UVU and did an internship in Washington D.C. last year) is a Sign Language Interpreter. There are 2 levels of Certification for the State of Utah and it basically dictates some of the places and events you can be asked to interpret for. It also affects how much you can charge for your services.

Last year (actually almost a year and a half ago) she passed her level 1 certification while she was still in the middle of her 2 year training program at SLCC. Very few people ever do this. Now, as she is signing up for the classes at UVU this semester to help her prepare for the Level 2 certification, she decides to take the test for it now. This is common practice because most people take the five part test and pass a couple of the parts and then go back, study up on their weak areas and take those again. I don't know everyone, but all the interpreter people that I have ever talked to say they have never heard of anyone passing the Level 2 certification test on the first try (all 5 parts). Nicole didn't even know it was possible, but she did it. All five parts on her first try.



Way to go Nicole..... She deserves a big hi-five and super shout out. I apologize ahead of time for embarrassing her (she will not be happy with me for a few weeks now and make me promise to never do this again) but I deserve a little bragging rights don't I?????? After all she should be happy that I have a chance to congratulate her in this life right.... (cancer card). That is a little inside joke with my family.

Lots of updates....

I am going to split up the updates. I have a little bit of everything. More problems with my health, bragging rights for my Nicole, and lots of feelings of hope and despair all in a couple of days. So hang on if you like this. I think I will separate them so you can choose to to read them or not based on what you read my blog for.

Health first:

This one will be about my health. Just when things were doing okay and I had a few good weeks too..... bummer. I decided that I was really glad I had all the visitor's when I did because it is going to be a while I think before I am going to be in the visitors mode due to some new developments and schedule changes. First the chemo keeps getting postponed (we are into several weeks delay already and now Monday may be a delay again). It all depends on what Dr. Te wants to do about my drain. We ended up in the E.R. again tonight because my drain wasn't working any more and we called the Dr. on call and he told us to go to the hospital and have it cleaned out. As most of you know (if you followed the early blog) I have a drain tube coming from the lung cavity area on the left side of my chest. We drain the fluid that has been being generated by the cancer into some pressurized bottles and it saves us from having to go to the hospital every couple of days to have it drained. It has been a tremendous blessing to have it as an option and now we are finding out it is really new technology. No one at the ER has any experience with it and they don't stock any parts or anything for it (that the ER people could get their hands on tonight. The doctor (she really tried hard) said as she learned more and more about it, said she was actually amazed that it had worked this well this long...... great news. But it stopped working properly last night. We tried it again this morning and same results. Thus the doctor told us to go to E.R. again. I guess since I really enjoy going to that place so much, I delayed it as long as possible.

We finally went over and signed in at about 4:00 pm. It was the first time that we went into the ER and they didn't rush me right into a room because I looked so bad walking in the door. To sum it up, after much effort on the nurses (and doctors) part they were not able to make the tube that is in my chest work and get cleaned off. We assume that it has gathered a lot of protein "stuff" around the tube inside and has blocked it off. We can get stuff in through the tube but something blocks it from coming out. Weird eh? As we all learned a little more about this tube and drain bottle system we also found out that the company did everything to make sure you had to get all the parts and pieces from them. Apparently it is so new that most of the doctors and nurses there have never seen it or dealt with it, and they don't have all the things they need in the E.R. to deal with problems like we bring them. So now I have wait till Monday for Dr. Te to schedule another operation to replace the tube. Which will probably mean that Chemo could be moved back again (It currently is scheduled for Wed.) Also the surgery on my throat is for sure going to need an update (or follow up tweak). It is almost gone again (my voice) but I am pretty sure it can be fixed better with a little more stuff. Man this week has really taken some interesting twists and turns. (Note: Total time in E.R. to find out I get to come back on Monday?? Only 6 total hours tonight)

Well that is the medical update....... Next I will do the kids update. (Some of you might not want to read on so please do if so only if you choose.

Oh, one funny side note I have to add about my best friend Tim Park.... I told my wife that after the comments I made on the blog about him, the first thing he would say when he say me next (but maybe not in this order) "ARV...." (that is my nickname from him) ..."YOU PICKER"...... and then he would say "I'M GONNA KICK YOUR BUTT". And just to let you know that our friendship is still secure, those were the exact words he used when he stopped back on his way home from Vegas. I told my wife that was what he would say and she laughed so hard she had to stop doing whatever it was she was doing. Tim (or Roy which is our nickname for him) is so predictable..... I mean consistent....ya consistent.....lol. Those of you that know Tim at all, are probably laughing pretty good and nodding your head and saying.... yep...... that's Tim. And now he is really going to "kick my butt"

Thoughts on the day

Since I have been "sidelined" for a week with an infection, I was forced to think about "things" again. It is hard to be positive all the time and certain events make you realize that reality must be addressed eventually. It is just the opposite of a newly wed and honeymoon. People always joke about it and say when the honeymoon is over, and reality hits them..... Well you can choose to live in a world where you choose not to address reality but those choices eventually don't work and you have to face reality when the "honeymoon" is over. These things include funeral situations and things like caskets and where and when, burial plots, obituaries, etc.

You know a lot of people do it early and call it being proactive. In fact Julie's parents set a great example for us and have paid for and planned all those events for both of them because they are very practical and he wants to be sure that none of the kids are left with the expenses involved with their funerals and plots. This is looked at positively so even though I feel that I have been granted an extension in life, I also feel that I should take a lesson from that example. So we did take some time to address some of those issues and when my folks came down we resolved a couple of them. I now have a place reserved with my family for burial and some other things started. While this is good, it also takes a toll on you when you know your time is narrowed closer to a known time frame. Everyone always mentions "we all are going to go, we just don't know when and that is actually true for me too. So it is no different really, but for some reason, I find myself being affected by it anyway.

This happened a few days ago when I was having a repeat of Sunday's episode of short breath and pain in my chest. I was glad we had a scheduled appointment with Dr. Te the next day and so far every follow-up test that he has requested to verify if anything has changed has come back negative. So it looks like it more of "pain management" issue than anything new or that we missed except for the infection. Now that would have been very bad in itself, so I am glad that the Lord put the roadblocks on place and I feel the breath and pain episodes that made me go to the E.R. were also his way of ensuring that I did not have a load of chemo that kills the antibodies put into my system when I needed all the antibodies i can get to fight the infection. Not Smart. So I believe the Lord was watching over me again (in spite of myself and my weaknesses).

Anyway when I had my little moment of depression as I moved into (what I now call) my funeral mode, I got inspired by my good friend Sharon again and she made a great suggestion. She first gave me permission to finish my depression and then (I hope she won't mind) she gave me the following directive. She is a real task master anyway, but I wanted to share it with you because I think it is well spoken...

(quote from her email)
So tomorrow I want you to experience 5 moments...moments that you wish you could capture forever and are grateful that you were given the chance to experience them. Perhaps it will be your daughter's giggle, the sunrise, the taste of the best malt in the world (Iceberg's chocolate banana). Then I want to hear what the are tomorrow night!

It worked very well as I decided I was going to do it. I focused on positive things and had a much better day. So since it worked so well for me and I thought it was a good idea for everybody to try (you can start with less than 5 if that is too much). It can have a a positive effect on anyone and that is what I am trying to achieve. Maintain a positive attitude as much as I can. So far I think I have done pretty well, but I do have some moments.

One more visitor

I had one more very special friend stop in this week. Actually it was a scheduled visit, and Tim is more than a special friend. He has been one of my best friends since High School. He stopped by and we had a great visit. Tim has been helping us prepare for this day for many years. I am so grateful for the help he has given and the support he has given to Julie too to ensure she felt she would be comfortable after I am gone. It is nice to know that he guided us and helped us with good choices because he truly cares about us and if you know Tim you know that is true. He is the most sincere and honest person I have ever known (even if he is always late for every appointment). We love you Tim. I think he really just wanted to get his picture on the blog because he wouldn't leave till we had taken his picture with me and Julie. So please be aware that Tim came over and I love him like a brother. He is an eternal friend that I will always respect and love him. I think Tim will even be late getting to meet me in heaven some day if we set up an appointment....lol.



Anyway I felt like he deserved to have his picture on the blog. So here it is. He deserves it.

Change in chemo schedule

Well I have been lucky till now, but it was probably bound to happen. Dr. Te always schedules a checkup with blood test and everything the day before a scheduled chemo treatment. We now have a first - hand experience of why he does this. C0mbining the results of the tests they did in the ER last Sunday and the results of the lab tests from yesterday we were able to avoid a situation that could have been pretty serious. It turns out that I have developed a urinary infection that should be able to be resolved soon. Until it is, since chemo pretty much kills the anti-bodies in my body that fight these infections, it isn't very smart to start the chemo treatment until after we get rid of the infection.

So although I am not real pleased with the delay, I am glad that processes are in place that ensure my best chances of surviving this course of action (chemo), and in fact I should be (and I am) grateful to the Lord for the fact that the course of events this past week led everyone to be alerted to a potentially dangerous circumstance and take the right course of action.

So I don't know for sure when it will be but as of right now, they have me scheduled for (now Wed) so let's hope I am better by then.

Shout out to my Uncle John making it back safe on his long trip. Hope we can find time to get the scoop from you.

Early morning thought time

Waiting to drive Justin to school this morning, and feeling so much better as the patch brings the pain back under control yesterday, I thought about how I often get caught in the "I need you now Lord ... oh never mind it is ok" syndrome. For the past three months I (my wife) has been changing my fentanyl patch every three days to help mitigate my pain. At first I was extremely aware of and grateful for the relief it provided me and I was well aware of how important it was to follow the rules and change it. This is a lot like when we are in need of the Lord's help and blessings for the times when things go bad and we are sad or hurt or depressed or scared. We pray hard and he is there. Then he blesses us and gives us what "He" knows to be the best for us (not always what we think is the best for us or what we ask for). Most people then begin to slowly forget (gratitude and to continue to pray). We begin to see things as resolving themselves or fixed because of something we do or we just plain don't acknowledge his hand in our lives the way we did before (sometimes it happens in days and weeks). As we forget to acknowledge his hand, he patiently watches as we distance ourselves from his loving care and soon we find ourselves truly on our own. At this point in the analogy I enjoyed my new found strength and ability to do external things (like go places and party) so much, I began to forget what exactly was providing that for me. In this case it was the fentanyl patch that quietly provided my pain relief in the "back" ground (that is where the patch is... on my back..... get it....never mind) and as I was caught up in the good times I neglected to pay attention to it like I should. After 2 days more than I should have changed it, it was basically doing nothing for me and I awoke Sunday morning with a bad morning experience I shared earlier.

It still did not strike me as to the real problem until I returned to the source of my original help (the infamous ER room). Again this is like us not recognizing the source of our help from the Lord right away either. When things get bad enough, we fall on our knees and say Lord help me I am falling..... oh never mind I am caught on the nail....(for those of you familiar with the story). Then finally at the ER room, the pieces start to come back into focus. We call home and have Justin check on the calendar and see when we changed the patch last. Sure enough two days over due. I am caught back into awareness of my faults and weaknesses and find myself fully aware of my dependence on the Lord and in this case my Fentanyl patch. Update: patch was administered in the hospital and one day later the pain is gone again and I am just like I was before (except hopefully a little smarter and a lot more humbled .... again....).

What is it going to take?????