Emotional RollerCoaster:
Well this past two weeks has been a truly wild ride emotionally. Like a regular roller coaster. Typically I like roller coasters but not when you are describing my emotional experiences. It is very, very hard. And when everyone tells you that they are so impressed, that you are being positive through all this, you feel even more pressure to remain positive. Well for those of you that were expecting more out of me, I let you down this past week. I will admit to you publicly, that I had several emotional breakdowns and actually cried a lot. Some came from various experiences and other times it was just more than I could handle. But....... through it all I had several faith confirming experiences (and a couple of angels) that helped me through it. In looking back at each of them, one thing came through over and over to me and helped me more than anything else. I have a testimony of the gospel and know that I will be able to live forever with my wife and family if I remain faithful.
Most of my emotional breakdowns came in the middle of the night and I knew that all I had to do (and a couple of times I did) was go into the bedroom and wake my wonderful angel wife up and she would make everything all better (as much as she can). It was very comforting to know and to use this truth when I really needed her. Three nights ago (my 4:00 in the morning / can't sleep episode) was punctuated with a can't breathe and lots of pain in my chest and I immediately fell into a reality possibility mode and sort of lost it again. I climbed back into the bed (wishing I could snuggle some day again, but until the tubes are gone have to sleep only on my back) and started crying hard enough to wake up my wife. She held my hand through it and promised she would always be there for me until I settled down. This took about a half hour. I used to care if people knew I had these emotional breakdowns, but now I think it is important that those of you that are so impressed with my positive attitude, know that there is the other side I don't talk about a lot (but am not ashamed of now like I used to be). I have them like everyone else. They are more a part of my life now more than ever. I didn't use to let them out much. I don't know for sure that it "helps" me any to let them out, but I know now that they are necessary and it is ok. I think it helps me somewhat I believe so I can "live with it".
So those are my thoughts for today.
I hope you all have a great Sunday and then an even better week.
A lot of you are doing the 5 moment thing and that is awesome. It seems to help others as much as it did me. Thanks Sharon for the tips on "magic moments".
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8 comments:
Jim, it is alright to weep. You are in good company - see John 11:35. Also a quick trip to the topical guide reveals many "weepers" who are recorded in the scriptures. Esau, Joseph (of the fancy coat), David and his people, Hannah, Hezekiah (he "wept sore"), Rachel, Peter, Mary and Enoch all wept for vairous reasons. You go right ahead and weep. It's OK to write about it. Roman's 12:15 tells us that we are to weep with you - and we do.
jim-
i just wanted you to know that i think about you often and you are in my prayers.
i am glad you are working with dr. te. i really like him and his staff. i love how dr. te treats you like a human being not just another cancer patient.
cancer sucks but it's all good because life goes on! what a blessing!
Hi Jim!
Just catching up on your week. The fact that you keep it real is what keeps the rest of us coming back to keep checking in.
We can't imagine what you are going through, but we are all here for you and your journal helps us know what to pray for when we ask God to bless you.
Hang in there, Jim!
We Love you!
David and Kimberly Faerber
Thanks Jim. Judy and Kim are right. It has meant a lot to me to be part of your life again. I'm glad we moved down here and so glad I got to see you in person on my way to Texas. You and your wonderful family will be in my daily prayers for a long time and have been for months now. -Uncle J
Hang in there, Jim. Night is a time when things seem to come to the surface, and I also have had some moments of despair, though I would not ever compare what I've ever been through to what you are experiencing. May you be blessed with what you need - and Julie also.
Matthew has it right...night is when things to come to the surface, the chatter and clatter of the day have settled down and now your heart and mind are trying to work out your emotions and anxiety built up throughout the day! I love your strength and your honesty! Thanks for sharing!!!
I am a friend of Matthew and Judy's, and they shared your story because we are dealing with cancer in my family, too. I just wanted you to know that you have one more family praying for you and all of those dear to you!
Thanks to all of you for your comments. Honestly it is what motivates me to keep going I guess. With the fight and the blog.
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