Update on surgery

Doctor Barton seems to think that we are ok to go ahead so we after he talks with Dr. Te and Dr. Gardner we will get the surgery time locked in. Right now it will be some time on the 21st.

After the doctor I went to lunch with the guys from the City IT dept again. IT was just like old times again except Josh didn't tell any good jokes......

I had no idea

I have heard from a few people that they look forward to anything I write and I don't understand it, but I have been asked to keep sharing my thoughts no matter what I think about them so I will.

I had a follow up to the chair from yesterday. I sat in the same chair as yesterday and had a good thought strike me. Last night I made a change to my physical situation that made it possible for me to rock in the chair instead of just sitting in it. Without going into details I can get up and down now without triggering a massive spasm. So I enjoyed rocking in the chair this morning and I had a thought as the sun came up over the mountain today. Many people are like the chair. They have purpose they are meant to fulfill. We sometimes (for various reasons) don't allow them to achieve their full purpose. It isn't always on purpose (I never tried to "not rock") but when we don't allow people to fulfill their roles or desires to help or comfort us it hurts them too. Lots of people want to "do" things for me (us) and they really could give us lots of comfort and help, but occasionally our (my) pride prevents me from appreciating or allowing them to do all they can do (like rocking). I was so much happier this morning and enjoyed the view more and just basically had a better outlook on life simply because I was able to let the rocking chair fulfill it's true purpose and "rock me". Now the chair did not care one way or another, neither did it change at all from yesterday to today, but people do. I have not allowed some people to fulfill their purpose when they wanted to help or offer comfort and if you felt that from me I apologize. If anyone wants to try again I promise I will try harder next time and let you "fulfill your purpose".......lol.

Can't wait to "rock on" tomorrow........

This one was special for you Brooke (grin)

Voice / Throat surgery update

It looks like a doctor has no better luck getting another doctor to take new patients than we do. Dr. Gardner's office tried to get me to see an internal specialist but no luck. So instead I am going to see my good friend Dr. Barton who has been my regular doctor since we moved here to St. George almost 5 years ago. I have an appointment with him Friday. He will check me out for being ready and if the doctors agree I will have the surgery on Wed the 21 of this month. With any luck you all may "hear" from me again. Watch out for that......lol..

Thought on a "good chemo" week

This is the third week after my chemo treatment. I get two weeks to feel different levels of bad and then one week to recover and pretty much "feel better". This has allowed me to think about many things and I have been reflecting, reading, e-mailing, and praying a lot. I was sitting in our rocking chair in the front room after helping Katie get to school and I watched the sun come up through the windows. As it slowly rose over the red cliffs out front, and the bright light hit my eyes I felt like I should have some great thing come to my mind. It didn't. All I could think about is how blessed I am to be here still. I have had visits with my Bishop, lots of e-mail conversations with people and read some of the books people have given me about people who are in similar situations such as "Tuesdays with Morrie" and "The Last Lecture". Through all this, it has helped me to remember that everyone is different, but in one respect everyone is the same. We all leave this world the same way and no one can take more "stuff" with them than anyone else. Just the memories, relationships, love, and learning. So what do I think? When I started thinking about all this Sunday morning, I felt pretty much the same way, but I wanted to know the "end result". I know they say you have to take one day at a time, but it is hard for me not to have a plan or goal. It is hard to not know how long you have left either. I know we all have "limited" time and no one really knows, but in my case, it has been narrowed down a little and brought closer to home. It starts to affect every decision in a different way.

For instance yesterday I saw a laptop on a dealsight. I have been concerned that I might lose access to my laptop and as I helped a friend order one for them, I thought maybe I could talk one of the businesses I help with computer stuff into fronting me the money and taking it out of my monthly checks. Then I realized that I can't even promise them I will be around long enough to pay it off in work performed. I can't even be sure I will be able to work or even be here for 6 months. It affects everything I think about now and it is hard to adjust.

I do know that the visits and e-mails from a lot of you are the only thing that keeps me going sometimes. Other times it is looking up from my chair and having my wife be right here in the room with me. Somehow the Lord knows just what I need, when I need it. It gets hard sometimes and other times it is unbelievably emotional. At those times, I am so lucky to be able to recognize my blessings. I have an amazing family, an absolutely divine wife, great friends who would do anything for me, and a second chance to connect and recall great memories and try and make new ones. The Lord has blessed me greatly and sometimes I feel bad when I get depressed about it. Still I am human and sometimes an ungrateful human being, but I will never again take my life in general for granted, as I almost lost it and know I was preserved for something. I suppose at this point I will just be patient, try and be in tune, and do whatever the Lord wants me to. Starting with my family I intend to try and keep making good memories, connecting, and sharing whatever I can with everyone. Right now as Morrie say it is all about "love". Love or perish as he was fond of saying. I intend to love more than ever. I always have, I just sometimes forget how to show it. I am going to keep working on that.

Thanks to everyone who has worked hard to help and support me these past few days. I really needed you and you were there.

I love you all (even if I forget to tell you)

Sunday morning thoughts

First let me say that I had another miracle last night. For the first time in months, I was blessed with a decent night's sleep. I used to take that for granted but now (as many other people have expressed) a good night's sleep is something that used to be but a memory and something I wished I could experience once again. Amongst my many prayers for health and blessings I have been praying for, several included that request for a good night's sleep and I am grateful for it like I never thought I would be. To me another small miracle that most take for granted. I have had many share with me directly their similar night time difficulties and I hope that someday the Lord will bless them with some relief. But thank you Lord for mine.

Again friends have brought some wonderful experiences into my life that I never thought I would be a part of and I only want to share a few thoughts about some of them and due to the sacred nature of some experiences I won't go into detail, but I want to share some thoughts that I have this morning because of them. I have been praying a lot to try and find out what the purpose of my being given a second chance here on earth is and what purpose the Lord has for me. I obviously am well aware of my "family" opportunities and if that is the main purpose it is enough for me. To have a chance to experience the past 4 months in the manner that I have with them (family) is something that one special friend from high school I talked with (facebook) yesterday at length would have given anything to have had with his wife before she passed from cancer as well. I learned again how blessed I am to have been given this time.

I hope I help many people learn to refocus back on what is truly important. You often hear people do that little saying "if you were told you had 6 months to live what would you do?". I hope that after reading my words, some are encouraged to think on how they can be more with their family and friends, building memories and strengthening relationships. From someone who has been given (to a degree) that very real life opportunity, I assure the important things I used to focus on before mean little or nothing. As I re-read what I have written here, I realize that this great blessing of time is a miracle that even as I was going through it I didn't realize exactly how valuable it was (many of you did and told me so) but I am now even more grateful as I re-read some of my entries.

I guess this is a new year's reflection time for me and I could just shout out loud, Thank you Lord for allowing me to be here in the new year. I actually did that somewhat in my prayers this morning. So now I am reflecting on what now, and I would be curious to know what others think as well. What would you do? I think I have shared enough personal insight into my life at this point to ask this. What should I do? I know it is a bit off the norm but I am curious if anyone wants to share (either here in the comments or to my e-mail) what your thoughts are. I am not the kind of person that can sit here now and say that is enough (although family is the central focus), I believe that the Lord wants me doing more as well. If anyone gets a chance, I would love to hear your thoughts on any of this.

Again I wanted to express my appreciation to my friends, my parents, Uncle Lou and aunt Emily, and family that joined me on my week of football enjoyment. Again family memories that mean so much. I am trying to make the most of everyday and that week will certainly be memories that we all will take with us I know.

I also thank my Heavenly Father for my time again. After my talk yesterday with Hal G. (thank you again Hal) I realized how important my extra time is and I am so grateful for it. Everyday is a miracle and a blessing that I am so appreciative of. Thanks to each of you for also your prayers that I know have been a good part of the reason I am being blessed so much.