Wish I could forget more

I forgot what a trip it is on chemo and I wish I could forget more. It has been so long since I had a "downer week" that I forgot how bad it can be. Actually I do remember how bad it can be from the first time, but I forgot what the next few times were like..... but I remember now. I think I laid in bed all morning and couldn't hardly move (didn't want to either) except to go into the next room for a few minutes and come back to bed. Julie asked me twice how I was doing and I didn't even answer, I just put a "thumbs down" in the air and went back to sleep. I have been able to control the nausea pretty much with the pills. It doesn't make it go away really, it just keeps me from following through. It's tough too because I have pains as well left over from surgery that need medicine to cope. The medicine I need for that usually suggests not to take it without food and food is almost impossible to get down even with the nausea pills. I also am supposed to be drinking lots of fluids to get the chemo out of my body as quick as I can and even drinking anything right now is a challenge.

Like I said, I forgot how much fun chemo can be. But I am not really complaining because I have first hand experience on how much worse it can be and was. I am grateful for medicine, doctors, friends, wives (well mostly mine), family, and most importantly my testimony of my savior. All of these have played a part in my reaction, readjustment, and recovery thus far from the cancer. While my cancer will never go away, I am grateful for the second chance (like I have expressed before) to reconnect and reestablish relationships as well as build new memories with many people friends. So to all of you who have helped me in any way, I wanted to thank you again. You all have been so good to me and supported me in anything I have needed. From the wonderful people in Rapid City, and my friends and family in Salt Lake, to the great people here in St. George and all my friends and relatives I have all over (most of them I found on "facebook" too). I thank each of you for what you have done and I hope and pray that your efforts will be rewarded as much as is possible.

I might not write a whole lot for a couple of days, but know that I love each and everyone of you and love to see your comments and get you e-mails too. Have a "great moment" for me too and share them with me if you want.

Morning after

Well, so far the real bad after effects of the chemo haven't hit yet so I wanted to take some time to share some thanks again. This one goes to my oldest boy Josh and his wife Kirby. He and Kirby were inspired to come over Mon night after they got most of their homework done. Josh and Kirby are both taking classes to graduate from Dixie in the computer program and they also work for the college doing tech support (although in different areas). Two peas in a pod for sure. When they come over, it is the only time I get to talk "geek speek" and every time I do, I feel so much happier. I love my wife with all my heart, but computers have never been something that she has been interested in, other than e-mail, word processing and a few therapeutic games. So, Josh and Kirby are like a shot of adrenalin for me when they come over and visit me.

I was very very apprehensive Mon night (even my wife commented that I was extremely over agitated). They were inspired to come over by Justin hounding them for a new game they introduced to him over the weekend until they gave in and brought it over. But they stayed for a couple of hours and we just talked about their jobs and classes and it completely calmed me down and the best part was discussing their latest episodes at the college. In fact I think Josh has the best (or close to it) "tech support line from a customer" I think I have heard in quite a while.

Josh was trying to help a professor set up some software for his class. The College's IT department finally purchased for him because he was so demanding. He changed his mind regularly on certain aspects like where the computer desks had to be, so wiring became an issue and so forth. He also got so frustrated because he tired to install it himself (the professor) on all the computers in the class when the college had only got a 20 user license and identified 20 machines that it was installed on. So the professor used his own dept money to buy 20 more licenses but not the upgrade that had been applied to the first 20 already (so it was a different version too) and installed the new software himself. Not knowing any of this at the time, Josh began the imaging process the night before it was needed and when he came in the next day, the professor came in and was upset because he couldn't get to the internet after he logged on and couldn't get to his files etc. The only problem with the professor's story was the imaging process had not completed with the reboot so there was no way he could have logged on in the first place and when Josh tried to point this out, Josh explained "your hard drive doesn't even have an operating system on it yet" the professor was very perturbed. I think he may have also realized he had been caught in his own words and no way out so he just got upset and said (you are going to love this one) " I don't need a hard drive, I just need to have this program loaded". Even semi-geeks have to love that one. It has become my new great one liner. Josh tried to be polite and just turned back to the computer and tried not to bust up laughing. Pretty good if they don't need a hard drive. Now all you real techy people are going to immedialtey see that as a challenge and start to figure out how to do it with external storage, and vitual apps and virtual machines, or even going clear into citrix and so on, but if you do figure it out and want to get into it, I will be happy to give you Josh's e-mail. I prefer to enjoy the humor of the principle itself. I have had my share of those experiences as well (nomenclature included).

I am really blessed to have such good kids and Nicole is coming back down this weekend and I am so happy again. I got to talk to Brittany on the phone the other day for almost a half hour and that made me feel better too. My kids are doing everything they can. Even Katie comes in every so often and asks if there is anything she can do. You should know how I feel about Justin too. Wow, when I think about these kids, I realize I have been blessed (maybe more than I deserve) but I am grateful anyway. Maybe it is because I chose the right wife. Ok, that's the one I am sticking with because it is the truth.

They say the truth will set you free, let's see what it will do for my cancer. I have decided to accept the truth. I have cancer. There now let' s see what happens. Wait wait wait........... Nothing yet....... maybe it takes longer....... so I will let you know what happens tomorrow. Until them have a great "5 moment day". Especially you Sharon. I sense you need one today so look for them and report to me later (jk).


Anyway, the whole thing did wonders for me and when I went to chemo yesterday I was calmed way down and ready to do it. I know they stayed a lot longer to talk with me that night because they had to get up early for school, but I love my kids because they also are willing to listen to the spirit and heed the promptings and their visit was just one of those occasions. We do have angels on this side of the veil and I have some that I call my kids. When you see your kids turning out as good as you hoped they would, it helps make it so worthwhile. It is even more exciting when they begin to choose spouses that you feel are also good spirits with good family upbringing and so far our kids have done stellar at that in our minds. We couldn't ask for better than Kirby and Clint for Josh and Brit...........and we haven't given up totally on Nicole yet either.......lol.

Chemo evening

I have just gotten home from the chemo and so far everything went well. IT was typical. Checked in at IV therapy at the old hospital at 8:45 am and got hooked up to the tubes by 10:00. Then it just dripped in all day. We finished the last bag at 4:00 and Julie brought me home. So uneventful. I didn't get sick or anything while I was there. I do think that I was a little bit more tired than before because I was pretty apprehensive last night and didn't sleep well. I don't think I will have a lot of problem making up the time. If all goes as expected, I will have a lot of up and down days but mostly down. I will try and keep it updated here as best as I can. Thanks for everyone's support.

We are a go

In spite of all my attempts to find a reason not to have chemo (lol) we are forging ahead as planned tomorrow with my next chemo treatment. So I am going to head down the bad chemo weeks pathway starting tomorrow. Should be a riot. Hopefully I will be able to keep you posted on some of it.

Ttyl

Sunday Morning - 4:00 in the morning

Today's contemplations:

I have been thinking a lot about a conversation I had with a friend last night who I believe was inspired to come to my rescue and didn't know it. This friend is one of those (like I used to be) who has a lot of spiritual guidance in their life but has chosen to not always accept it as such. They are influenced a lot (like last night) by the spirit and even follow the promptings, but then they have a hard time recognizing the outcome as "tiny miracles" or spiritual guidance. Like last night for instance. I was in a lot of pain and the usual dosage of medication was not enough. I was tired of the pain and was just depressed.

I got on Facebook to see if that would help. I had a few people say hey and ask how I was and I just came right out and said how I felt at the time (pretty crappy) and most of them said oh sorry but were at a loss as to what they should say (I would be too). But after this one friend asked, and I responded, their answer caught my attention and I felt the spirit prompt me to talk to them some more. I didn't know why at the time, but it wasn't long before I realized that I could learn a lot from our discussion and then I also noticed that our conversation was also a tiny miracle (at least to me) and answer to my silent prayer. I had taken more medication but prayed quickly while I did, that I would be able to endure the pain until it went away. Most of the time I would have not put this whole converstion together as the answer to prayer that it was and both of us could easily have counted it as coincidental that we happened to be on there at the same time, etc. Not so anymore as I thought about it this morning.

Last night I was thinking (based on some of their questions) that I might be able to help them, as of this morning's meditations, I realized how much they helped me with those same questions and I thought through again some of the answers they gave me. I realized that I am still living in a very ego-centric world and need to start thinking more often about learning more from others. I was a little bit ashamed of my attitude, and hope that I can do better.

Now I am also grateful for other life long friends. I had my "friends forever" Dan P. and Andrea (another best friend from Qwest) stop and talk for a few minutes. I really needed that visit too and you can mark it off as coincidental if you want but I believe it was another tiny miracle. Some car situations and transportation for some people who were down here for my wife (Teresa and Julie's sister Maria), all of a sudden got resolved. Now Dan and Andrea probably don't know that they were answers to some prayers, but they were. And on top of that it really was great to visit with my old friend Dan. He has always been an awesome exmple to me of a terrific Dad to his kids, and a loving grandpa, as well as a hard worker, and like I said before a long time friend that I always have been able to count on no matter what. I am having a hard time transferring the pictures, but as soon as I can. I will have theirs right here.......lol

(picture of Dan and Andrea coming soon)