Thought on a "good chemo" week

This is the third week after my chemo treatment. I get two weeks to feel different levels of bad and then one week to recover and pretty much "feel better". This has allowed me to think about many things and I have been reflecting, reading, e-mailing, and praying a lot. I was sitting in our rocking chair in the front room after helping Katie get to school and I watched the sun come up through the windows. As it slowly rose over the red cliffs out front, and the bright light hit my eyes I felt like I should have some great thing come to my mind. It didn't. All I could think about is how blessed I am to be here still. I have had visits with my Bishop, lots of e-mail conversations with people and read some of the books people have given me about people who are in similar situations such as "Tuesdays with Morrie" and "The Last Lecture". Through all this, it has helped me to remember that everyone is different, but in one respect everyone is the same. We all leave this world the same way and no one can take more "stuff" with them than anyone else. Just the memories, relationships, love, and learning. So what do I think? When I started thinking about all this Sunday morning, I felt pretty much the same way, but I wanted to know the "end result". I know they say you have to take one day at a time, but it is hard for me not to have a plan or goal. It is hard to not know how long you have left either. I know we all have "limited" time and no one really knows, but in my case, it has been narrowed down a little and brought closer to home. It starts to affect every decision in a different way.

For instance yesterday I saw a laptop on a dealsight. I have been concerned that I might lose access to my laptop and as I helped a friend order one for them, I thought maybe I could talk one of the businesses I help with computer stuff into fronting me the money and taking it out of my monthly checks. Then I realized that I can't even promise them I will be around long enough to pay it off in work performed. I can't even be sure I will be able to work or even be here for 6 months. It affects everything I think about now and it is hard to adjust.

I do know that the visits and e-mails from a lot of you are the only thing that keeps me going sometimes. Other times it is looking up from my chair and having my wife be right here in the room with me. Somehow the Lord knows just what I need, when I need it. It gets hard sometimes and other times it is unbelievably emotional. At those times, I am so lucky to be able to recognize my blessings. I have an amazing family, an absolutely divine wife, great friends who would do anything for me, and a second chance to connect and recall great memories and try and make new ones. The Lord has blessed me greatly and sometimes I feel bad when I get depressed about it. Still I am human and sometimes an ungrateful human being, but I will never again take my life in general for granted, as I almost lost it and know I was preserved for something. I suppose at this point I will just be patient, try and be in tune, and do whatever the Lord wants me to. Starting with my family I intend to try and keep making good memories, connecting, and sharing whatever I can with everyone. Right now as Morrie say it is all about "love". Love or perish as he was fond of saying. I intend to love more than ever. I always have, I just sometimes forget how to show it. I am going to keep working on that.

Thanks to everyone who has worked hard to help and support me these past few days. I really needed you and you were there.

I love you all (even if I forget to tell you)