Did I really see it ??????

UTAH FANS at my PARTY
Utah: 31 Alabama: 17

I am not sure I actually saw it but I did. I am so glad I had someone to watch that amazing miracle with. It would have just been a total shame to see that miracle game by myself. Instead, I had my best friends, parents, relatives, my two boys (and Kirby, but she only likes the band stuff) again at uncle Lou's house and it was everything I could have hoped for. I guess I know how bad the good Lord knew I needed friends and family around me.
It was important. I know this picture is not the best, but it shows you a little of my party.

Voice / Throat surgery update

The surgery that was scheduled on Jan 7th to fix my throat and voice has been postponed. Apparently no internist in St. George is willing to take new patients and the throat doctor does not want to do the surgery until he is sure everything else is ok. So I am waiting to hear what they want to do next. But it is still going to happen I think. Targeting the end of Jan now.

Almost forgot New Years' Eve update

I almost forgot to share the other side of my New Year's eve experience. We tried to wake our sleeping kids up for midnight (was never gonna happen) and then just watched the "time square ball" drop. I got out of my chair, walked over to my wife and gave her a totally welcome hug and then one of the sweetest kisses I have ever experienced. Then we started dancing slowly with the T.V. people while they played the traditional "Auld Lang Sine" sp?. I have never ever thought I would experience an emotional New Year's Eve. Usually I am partying hearty, I find my wife, a quick kiss and bang some pans and right back to partying. But last night, I all of a sudden realized that Heavenly Father had allowed me one more second chance. I had set a goal to "live" until 2009 (I realize it is only because God is allowing it) and I had just reached it. Yes, I started bawling like a baby again. I tried to minimize this breakdown to just a few minutes.

Then we stepped out the front door with my UofU blankie wrapped around us and watched the St. George fireworks (we could just see the tops of them over the beautiful red cliffs in front of our house when they went off and it was really fun). Then we went in and went to bed and I prayed another very sincere personal prayer of gratitude after Julie drifted off to sleep.

Party continued

NEW YEAR'S DAY PARTY TRADITION continues....... 15 years... but this time only one TV instead of 3......lol


Yep I made it all day even till the end of the Rose bowl (maybe that wasn't worth it). There were tons of people and lots of food. After years of doing this, I guess it is just something that I have to do to be happy. Uncle Lou and my Dad got the little smokies and meatballs, mom made a special spinach salad, Aunt Emily through some veggie together and some fruit salads. And I made my famous sausage dip. Lots and lots of candy and left over Christmas junk food. It was great. Some of them played games and one of Uncle Lou's boys, Eric, came over and watched the games with us for a while. Now we are resting up to get ready for Utah's game tomorrow. It might take me all day too...lol..

My good buddy Zane drove all the way down from Logan today to join us.....

The game playing crew....


Uncle Lou who let us crash his place.....

My Dad got worn out just watching.....lol

Me and Josh (he decided to play computer games instead so he just dropped by for a bit)....



You know sometimes you think some things are coincidental, but the way that all the pieces fell into place so that this party came together including the fact the weather cleared up so my parents could come down, was certainly beyond coincidence in my mind.

Party on.....

Visits from Angels on this side:

I have had quite a few inspirational visits from a lot of really neat people and I greatly appreciate it. One of my good friends from High School, Gary Bolingbroke came down from Cedar a couple of days ago and we talked for hours. We shared a lot of memories but also reinforced each other with stories and discussion of inspiration. It is amazing how you can find positive things in any situation. Thanks for that Gary.

NEW YEAR'S HOPES:

So in a moment of almost desperation, I asked my Uncle Lou if I could maintain my tradition of watching Football on New Year's day with him at his house. He agreed and the wheels went into motion. Next thing I know, my folks decide to drive down, and then a dear friend from way back (Zane W.) decides to drive down from Logan today to join the party too. So I went from total depression to total "fun times" in one day. I think that maybe, it is an attempt to make up for the depressing Christmas time I went through. We are right in the middle of the Rose Bowl and it has been great. I will fill in more details later. The rest of them came over and are playing new games we got for Christmas. More details later, but I wanted to tell everyone that has motivated me to make the effort for this party. The tradition has continued.

More Graitude

I know that a lot of times when you single out individuals and express gratitude, you run the risk of not mentioning someone that you should. But with a pre-emptive apology to those that may find themselves in that situation (not mentioned here) I do have to express our gratitude to a few individuals because of their focus on my wife. In particular, the women in the Relief Society. They have been incredibly supportive of my wife and like I mentioned before, she does not get the same focus because most of the time the focus is on me. But the RS presidency have been there for her whenever needed. Beyond that, Julie is extrememly blessed (and by extension so am I) to have sweet Marsha as her VT companion. I can not say enough how much we appreciate everything she has done for Julie and our family. Marsha is one of those spiritually gifted and inspired people who just show up when needed everytime. When Julie is struggling with anything, Marsha show up at the door with a plant or a candle or some little "lift me up" gift that is just what she (or even I) need.

In fact I will be wrapped up in my "now famous" UofU blanket Friday night thanks to Marsha's quilt making efforts. The day of the TCU game, she somehow found out about my UofU support need and just went out, made the quilt and delivered it in time for the game. That "blankie" now goes everywhere with me. That was only a start and I wanted to let her know (as well as everyone else that has done those "little" things) how much we appreciated your efforts in a "big" way. She also monitored it very closely to make sure our Christmas was as perfect as could be and she made sure Santa was aware of our needs and fulfilled them.

We have angels on the other side of the veil waiting until we need them, but we have even more angels like Marsha on this side of the veil who aren't waiting to be asked. There are many others like Marsha, and I apologize for not being able to share all the miracles and experiences (on this blog) from you all, but know that we love you for it and I pray that your rewards will come in a way that you recognize the good things that come from your service.

Thank you to everyone for your love prayers and acts of service and kindness.

More out of the closet

DINNER and A HIKE - GOOD TIMES

Last night we put on something besides my pajama bottoms again which is a real good indication that I went out someplace other than the hospital. My wife even got me some new levis that actually fit too. The whole family (I can't believe how often this is happening lately) went to Golden Corral and it was superb.


I had a great appetite and the food actually tasted great and I had taken the necessary preparatory drugs that allowed me to stay for a good long time and eat well. Really helped make up for the rough week. Thanks to everyone for coming (including Grandma and Grandpa).




Then this morning, everyone decided that the weather was so nice, they wanted to go hiking in Snow Canyon so they did. The whole family again, only we thought it might be a little too tough for me still so I went "in spirit". As beautiful as Snow Canyon is, it isn't hard to imagine me there in spirit, eh?




They had a great time, but when Grandma and Grandpa left to go back to Salt Lake, unfortunately Brittany had to go with them. Sadness in the air........waaa. It was marvelous to have her here.

Late night thinking

Tonight is a night for re-appreciation. It is sometimes hard to think past the now and appreciate the past in order to make the future the best that it can be (wow...... deep eh?). I have been sitting here for a while (working on computer things while I contemplate) thinking about the blessings in my life. While this has been a little bit of a rough week, I can't let it go on without remembering some basic truths.
1) I am still here with my family.
2) I know that whatever happens is being guided by a higher power that loves me more than I can ever comprehend.
3) I have the most dedicated and loving wife who has stood by me through very difficult times and has promised to be with me forever.
4) I know that even though I have made many mistakes in my life, I have a strong knowledge that I can still have them wiped clean and be able to live with my Father in Heaven again

This Christmas week was not what I thought it would be at all. You always hope that everything is happiness and good times at Christmas and while I knew that that was somewhat unlikely, I was not prepared for the total exhaustion that this round of chemo hit me with. It made it seem like the most "un"-Christmas time I could have imagined. But then a couple of things happened that made me start to re-evaluate the week. I watched my sweet wife experience happiness today, at a higher level than she has been able to for a while. Her best friend (Teresa) and her husband came down again and made everything all better. Then her mom and dad came down from Salt Lake too and we had dinner. I listened to her playing games out in the kitchen (like we used to do every Sunday night) and laugh for hours like there was no worries in her life for a while. No sickly cancer patient husband, no toxic laden (chemo residual) messes to clean up, no special laundry trips for the blankets, no special medicines to get ordered, no bottles to drain the fluid from the lungs, no changing the bandages on all the surgeries, no oxygen tanks to order, no trips back to the hospital for emergencies..... I could go on, but I realized again what an angel the Lord has blessed me with and how un-grateful and selfish I can be.

Please Lord forgive me for my selfishness. Please give her more happiness than she deserves.....

Please help me to be more appreciative of others.

REWIND:

Josh H. brought over the present on Christmas Eve that I mentioned before. It is a beautiful painting that has a very special meaning behind it, but more importantly it is special because of who it comes from. Megan you have become quite an inspiration to me and I want everyone to know that you are. I have only met you formally a couple of times (Josh keeps me informed of how wonderful you are too) but I want to thank you for your gifts and your inspiration. I have the painting hanging on the wall right next to my chair and I look at it all the time. The image of the little girl and the handcart to me probably means something different than others, but I see you in her as well. I see someone who is ready to take on the challenge she has been given, no matter how daunting it may seem. But she is not afraid. She knows she has angels to help her and I also know that too. This may not have been all that your Dad put in the painting, but it is what I have come to see in it and it gives me daily strength. Thank you again for my gift.

Well I am going to try and get back after the positive side of all this in the morning, but while I had so much going on in my mind, I wanted to put it out there.

*******************

Oh ya and Brittany ( my oldest daughter) came down with Grandma and Grandpa and how I have missed her too. It reminds me of the "Night Before Christmas" story as my three girls are all snuggled in Katie's bed with visions of .... something, dancing in their heads. They are all a joy to me. I truly love my family. Hugs and kisses for her. Yippee.

Rough week

It has been a rough chemo recovery week. I will be back as soon as I can be positive. Sorry....

Christmas update

Well, it is late Christmas night. Everyone is in bed. Another batch of memories and experiences are tucked away for us to draw on. Although it wasn't quite what I had hoped for, I am so thankful I am here. It was a little rougher through the chemo this time and it made it somewhat difficult to participate, but I did my best and it was still a great Christmas thanks to all the help and support we got from everyone. Since I am sitting in my work / chair reminiscing on the day, and hoping I can get a little more sleep tonight sometime, I will do my best to share some of the wonderful things that people did for us and not focus so much on the other parts of my day (although lots of people keep wanting to know so I will try and be honest about it).

Josh Haycock came over with a wonderful present from he and his wife Megan. I cherish it more than you will know. It was truly inspired and made me cry (in fact I am starting to cry again just thinking of it). It is too special for words and I can't thank you enough.

One of Shawn Guzman's daughters (Shawn is the City attorney here in St. George) remembered Katie from an encounter at the pool a while ago and decided to come visit with her Dad and bring a fun gift for her. It was so neat to think that she would want to do that for her and Katie just fell in love with it. I hope that their friendship can continue (the gift included continued internet interaction) and I think it will. Thanks to Shawn for helping teach kids the value of caring for others and friendships. Just shows you that there is hope for some attorneys I guess.


One major Christmas tradition here is Mom's Christmas Eve soup dinner. She makes several different kinds of soups (most famous for her Print Shop cheese soup) and tons of soft breadsticks for dipping. We get out all the Christmas place settings. It is most memorable and we have been doing it for years. Even though I had been in bed most of the day so far, nothing was going to keep me from my place at the table for this one. I hobbled out and had a taste of the soups and it was delicious. Way to go Julie. Another great Christmas eve dinner. And thanks to Nicole for her help or it may not have happened because Julie actually got called into work earlier in the day.

Santa somehow found his way to our house and in the morning, it was nothing short of awesome. Thanks again to all of Santa's helpers (you know who you are), we had an incredible morning (mostly watching Katie open another present and saying "this is unbelievable" and "I just love it"). The hit of the morning was a stuffed animal hippo that she would not let out of her sight all day. It is her favorite and she is so cute with it. (Good call someone). Just so you know, our Christmas is a very early one. We usually hold the kids back till 6:00 (yes a.m.) and that is as long as we have been able to manage. Our gift opening is usually over by 8:00 and everyone goes off to admire the spoils, enjoy the new games or in the case of the parents, go back to bed. Josh and Kirby actually made the trek over here in the dark at 6:00 so that the tradition could continue (sorry Kirby). I managed to sit out in the chair in the front room for the entire time, but barely felt good enough to open a couple of my presents. I didn't even empty my stocking, but it was fun to watch everyone else. Back in bed by 9:00 as predicted. Spent most of the day there too.

I knew that funds were limited for me so I decided that this year since I had been given a second chance to share memories with my family, that that is what I would do. So I started writing a memory letter to each of the kids and my wife for their presents this year and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. IT has taken me weeks to finish and lots of tears. I had lots of memories and I shared my testimony with each of them, but it seemed like the letters were turning into a farewell and "last will" type thing, and I do not believe we are quite there yet. But it was still the hardest thing I think I have ever done. I was very glad to have a chance to tell each of them how I feel about the gospel and my testimony of the Savior. I have not done that the way that I should have in the past so I am grateful for that "second chance". We told the kids that they could wait and read the letters later if they chose and the older kids (and Julie) probably will wait. (Oops now Brittany knows what she is getting when she comes down with Grandma and Grandpa Sunday.....lol). We are really hoping she can still come down and missed her a lot today.

So overall, I felt truly blessed today (even though this chemo "downer" is a lot harder than the last two). I am blessed because I have my family with me, my knowledge of the Savior at this time of his celebration, and especially the faith that I am doing what the Lord wants me to do and I am happy to accept his will. Nothing more could I ask for than that.


Trying to look happy.....is it working????

Merry Christmas. I hope this helps you appreciate what gifts you received from friends and the Lord in your life too.

City of St. George

Sometimes when you need to be reminded of all the good people around you and the good in them, it humbles you to the point where you can only try and express appreciation to them any way you can. So this post is to shout out to all the awesome employees at the City of St. George (that I worked with for three years). I had been notified that they were collecting food for us and others but then they went overboard and stopped by yesterday (while I was getting chemo) with some tremendous wrapped gifts for our kids. Although they are a little older (Justin and Katie are 15 and 10), we all remember that age and how important is sometimes to get a gift or two under the tree on Christmas. Well thanks to the great people at the City of St. George, they will have several (lots actually) and we have food for Christmas and some to put away for storage as well.


This is again a difficult thing for a proud person like myself to accept, but I am learning that it is more for others to be able to give, than for me to focus what I can't provide at this point. I know that Christmas brings this out in most people, but it again proves to me that the people at both the City of St. George as well as the people of the City of Rapid City (I greatly appreciated their fundraiser as well which is still paying for some of the expensive medicine I need) are some of the best people on this earth.

I don't know how to express it, but I am grateful and say thank you from all of us in my family to each one of you. Merry Christmas and with acts of kindness like this, Christ is definitely central in our Christmas. God has blessed me with a second chance to make memories, learn humility, and experience amazing insight, and not many get this opportunity.

THANK YOU ALL and MERRY CHRISTMAS

Nicole's B-day party

Morning presents for Nicole before chemo.



Josh gave a mighty solo rendition of Happy Birthday that rattled the rafters.



Wish I could have gone with them to the pizza place. I might have been able to stop them from getting tatoos and letting Nicole start drinking now that she is legal...lol.



She is 21 now and decided to prove it.......(she turned into a drinkin' lush....pretty sure it isn't alcoholic, but you never know)

Post Chemo....

So I am sitting in my chair (at home) watching the Jazz game and thought I would share a little of the chemo day with you. We first had presents and sang Happy Birthday to Nicole and then she drove me to the IV therapy room at the old hospital where I get the chemo treatment.

Roz (one of the great nurses there) saved me the really soft chair. My port was already "accessed" from yesterday so she basically started by giving me the pain meds and anti-naseau to help me make it through. Then she started hooking up the bags . Saline bags first and then the first chemo solution. They have to do them one at a time, in order, and give everything time to work so that my body can handle it all right.

Now sit and sit and sit.

I checked in at 9:30 this morning and when Julie finished her work and came to get me at around 3:30 pm I was still about an hour from being finished. They put the last chemo bag (I get 2 different kinds of chemo each time) on the IV tree stand and "let er rip" and Julie climbed on the bed they had next to my chair and slept for a while too. What do I do the whole time? They have a TV I can watch but today I read my book and listened to my christmas music on my MP3 player till the benedryl kicked in and I actually was able to sleep for about 2 1/2 hours real well. It is basically boring when they get it hooked up and running but depending on how the body reacts to the chemo, you have to visit the bathroom often (usually 2 or 3 times for me each time) and if you feel up to it, you try and get whatever food and / or (especially) fluids you can into your body to flush the chemo out.

Now I just go home and wait for either bad times in the next few days or whatever comes. The rest of the family went to a new Pizza restaurant place for Nicole's birthday (some new Pirate place here in St. George) so when they get back I will add pictures. I really wanted to go (and almost did) but I think that would be pushing it too far tonight (and not really smart either).

Church again

Wow, I am really pushing it now..... I went to church for the first time since the surgery last Oct. Julie sang in a trio and Nicole accompanied on her flute with Justin accompanying on his cello. It was beautiful. They did a great job and I lasted just until they were done singing (halfway through the meeting). Then I went out and sat in the foyer where I could stand up if I needed (I did need several times) and the chairs were much softer. I did real well out there, but by the time I got home, I figured I was done for.... and I was. Slept most of the day and could barely get up to eat dinner. Wow what a weekend. I am so glad cause now I get to get back into the other part of my life now..... test, more tests, chemo, sleep, recover etc.... oh and somewhere in there we are going to squeeze in Christmas and New Years.

Thanks to everyone who helped me out this weekend. It was full of great memories.

More family time before "chemo-ing" it up again....

My next chemo session is scheduled for Tues so we are trying to take advantage of the good days I am having now. I don't like having it scheduled 2 days before Christmas (and on Nicole's birthday), but I guess you have to do what they tell you sometimes. It could make Christmas a rough time if I hit my rough days early, but I hope there is a delay so I can enjoy some family time on Christmas.

Since we are trying to come out of the "chemo closet" we decided to go to the Tuacahn Nativity trip with the deaf branch tonight. Here in St. George, one of the neatest things is the Tuacahn theater and every year they do a live Nativity program with live animals and everything. It is a great outdoor theater in the heart of a canyon with an amazing "southern utah" red cliffs backdrop. We try and go every year but I did not think I would be going this year. The deaf branch scheduled tonight for an activity and so we decided to give it a try.

I rested all day to get ready and and took my oxygen, bundled up warm and off we went. They have a little train that takes you around the back lot and when the deaf branch went on it, Nicole (she is such a sweetheart as well as a certified interpreter) "signed" the little narration on the train for the deaf people and I got to finally get a picture of her "doing her thing".

Then we went into the theater and enjoyed the Nativity program. It was a little bit hard because the deaf group (they are awesome) sits way in the front (can you say a bazillion stairs) and for Katie, we get to sit with them. Tonight, it wasn't a blessing for me to have to climb all the stairs, and it was kinda cold, (we did dress warm) but it is a good thing to have the "somewhat" reserved seats.

When we got home I hurried and took some pain pills, climbed into my sleeping /chair and turned on the BYU bowl game (sorry Cougs) that we had recorded. As soon as the medication kicked in and I felt recovered, I realized that this might be why I was given a chance to stay here on earth a little longer. Even through the pain, I felt the spirit of the Christmas message and felt strengthened again by the angels on this side of the veil. It was a wonderful experience for us as a family and some great memories were made again. I just never made enough of these memories before. (Really missed Brittany tonight, but you were there in my heart babe.....We really love you and Clint).

I love my family very much and I have never been closer. Thank you God for my second chance. I am going to make the most of it till ..... well as long as I can. I promise you all. It was so neat, I can't sleep now. Oh well, I will just enjoy the spirit as long as I can.

Just for Nicole

Go BYU tonight. Yes I will be cheering with her for them tonight. I can see no harm in it and she did drive all the way down to be with us so it is the least I could do.......and never let it be said......(some of you know the rest of that......)

Nicole is here.....yippeeeee

My daughter Nicole finished her finals and drove down from Salt Lake this morning. She just walked in the door and it will be so fun to have her here (she does the dishes a lot for us....lol) and we are going to bake cookies and watch the Santa Clause movies and everything. Yippeeeeeee. I am really excited for Christmas. I am a total Christmas nut and I am so grateful I have been given a chance to spend at least one more (hopefully a lot more) with my family.

I don't know what the future will bring, but the present is doing real good at this point with all things considered. At least I am here and with my family for the holidays. Thanks to prayers from everyone and miracles, I am stil here.....(gotta stop before I start tearing up again).

Now she (Nicole) is out playing christmas music on her flute which she hasn't played for a while and Julie is accompanying her on the piano....... I LOVE Christmas.

So where did my voice go??? Surprise!

Just got back from the ENT (ear nose and throat) doctor and i still detest having things shoved through my nose and down my throat like scopes with little lights on them. (Just thought I would reassure those that questioned it).

THE GOOD NEWS and BAD NEWS:

The good news is he thinks he knows what caused me to lose my voice. The bad news is that it might require surgery to fix it. The good news is that we are scheduling the surgery after the holidays. The bad news is that because of everything else wrong with me it is more risky and potentially dangerous than most people. The good news, I am used to that anyway.......ok I will get to it now.

THE CAUSE:

He believes that some of the cancer may have killed one side of my vocal chords (or at least the nerve) so it doesn't close completely to touch the other side when I try and talk. It also affects my ability to eat and especially drink liquids (I have noticed this and just learned to live with it and be careful). But even this puts me at risk so they feel that the surgery is justified even though for me it is more risky than most people (since it already is a risk without it).

THE SURGERY:

The surgery will consist of going down my throat and injecting some substance into the right side of the vocal chords to push the side that is dead, closer to the point where the two sides meet so that it touches when it is supposed to. In other words the left side that works right will come in and actually touch the right side because it has been shoved a little closer manually. (make sense?) It actually did to me but I had to have a picture because I have been a manager too long.

THE RISK:

There are actually several concerns, but the biggest one is the medicine (Coumadin) I am taking for my blood thinning due to the clot they found in my left arm the second time I was in the hospital. I am going to have to stop taking that for 5 days so the clot risk returns but it will be done in the hospital where they can monitor that one closely. The problem is that the risks associated with the blood could also come into play in a week or two after as well so I have to be very careful. To be honest there were other risks and they want me to go see an internist first to be sure that all the other factors from all the other surgeries is stabilized enough so if anything is not good we will call it off until it is.

COORDINATION:

On top of that........ we have to try and fit it inbetween chemo treatments so that I can do it when I am on the best "upswing" weeks between the chemo. Fun times.

Any questions just leave me a comment and I will have my secretary get right back to you.

Brothers...

Almost forgot.....happy birthday to my big brother Kelly and my little brother is now out of my will cause he never told me about his plans for his store..... had to find out from someone else. Too bad Dan, I bet you could have used the $20......lol.

Fun times today

So we tried it out and it was fun fun fun. Julie and I went to Walmart. Our experience was a little bit different than Megan's (might have been the time of day). It wasn't very crowded and I had a great time racing around in those little electric cars (played "chicken" with several others and I always won.... they were all old fogies) and found all the stuff I wanted to get for Christmas (mostly candy......lol). Then we stopped at Subway and I forgot how good those Subs can be when you have been eating in a lot (not that Julie hasn't been feeding me good).

Stopped at City Hall to get a paper notarized and ended up seeing lots of people so it took longer than anticipated. Made one other stop to get some presents and when i finally got home, I was tired but oh so happy. Back to back days out for fun and a date with my wife today. I fell asleep in less than 5 minutes but smiling from ear to ear.

Good times. Anxious to see where I can dream up tomorrow..... maybe we will drive to Vegas and drop some serious change........