MY CANCER STORY

2009-06-12T09:05:00.002-06:00

James Arvin Cook
(Jim)
1958 - 2009

Our beloved husband, father, and son, Jim Cook, returned home to his Heavenly Father June 11, 2009, after a courageous battle with cancer.

Jim was born September 14, 1958, in Murray, Utah to Arvin and Darlene Johnson Cook. He graduated from Murray High School in 1976, where he was a cheerleader and member of the swim team. He was a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and served a two year mission to Canada.

While attending BYU, he met and married the love of his life, Julie Lynn Faerber, on April 30, 1982, in the SLC temple. He then attended the University of Utah, where he received his bachelors degree in Information Technology. He worked at the U of U for many years as manager of computer network systems. Jim then realized his dream of working for the City of St George, Ut, and later for Rapid City, SD as I.T. director.

Jim's gift to the world was life, laughter, and love. He valued friendships, and spent many hours building relationships on and off the golf course. Jim was always the life of the party, had a joke for every occasion, and could bring a smile to everyone's face. Our memories of Jim will always bring back those smiles.

Serving others in any capacity was Jim's passion. He is deeply loved by his family, and will be greatly missed by friends, family, and everyone who's heart he lightened with his spirit.

Jim is survived by his eternal sweetheart, Julie Lynn Faerber; his five children, Joshua (Kirby) Cook, Brittany (Clint) Lambson, Nicole, Justin, and Katie; his parents, Arvin and Darlene Cook; his parents-in-law LeRoy and Kathleen Faerber; siblings Keldon (Vickie) Cook, Holly (Ken) Peterson, Wendy (Brent) Anderson, Dan (Melanie) Cook, Judy (Matthew) Binns; Julie's siblings; many aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, and grandmother Maurine Cook.

A viewing will be held in St George, Monday, June 15th, from 6:30-8:00 pm at the Spilsbury Mortuary, 110 S. Bluff Street. A viewing will be held the following evening from 6:00-8:00 pm at the Brownstone Church, 6410 So 725 East, in Murray, Utah. An additional viewing will be held Wed, June 17th, from 10:00-10:45 am at the same chapel. Funeral services will follow at 11:00 am. Internment will be at the Elysian Gardens. Friends and family are invited to offer their condolences at www.spilsburymortuary.com.

Thank you all so much for your love and support.

Tuesday morning

2009-06-02T12:31:00.003-06:00

Thanks so much for all your faith and prayers. We can really feel the presence of angels giving us strength and comfort.

Jim is now in that never never land between life and death. He is sometimes coherent, sometimes not. He is fighting the good fight however, and is not giving in easily.

Last week he started wandering around the house a lot, aimlessly. He would walk into the kitchen, stand there, then walk to the living room, stand there, etc. When we would talk to him, sometimes he would understand and respond, sometimes he would close his eyes and not respond at all. He had a hard time being still. Our hospice nurse told us that this is called terminal restlessness. It happens quite a bit in terminal cancer patients.

Jims parents and my parents both came down for a few days to see him. Brittany also is here, she is staying to help. Nicole came down for the weekend, and Jim perked up quite a bit over the weekend. He was lucid, aware, and had a surge of energy that took him through Sunday afternoon. He even wanted to go to Church Sunday, so we all went to the deaf branch with him. He was able to stay for all of Sac Meeting. He ate several meals over the weekend, and we had a wonderful and enjoyable time with all the family being here.

Sunday evening he started to slip back into the restless stage. We have someone with him 24/7, making sure he does not fall or try the stairs. He is not sleeping well at night, kind of walks around the house a lot. Walking is becoming harder for him. It takes him several minutes to stand up, then he stands for a long time before trying to move. The hospice nurse can't believe he can still get himself up, much less walk around the house. He is on a lot of medication for pain, but can't swallow pills so he has drops by mouth. We also have some cream we rub on his wrists, which helps with pain and also calms him.

His vital signs are still strong. His blood pressure is good, and heart beat is even but rapid. He is still breathing well from one lung, and does not seem to be air hungry. That is a blessing. He is still drinking liquids, but not eating solid food. The hospice nurse comes every day now.

He has been quite confused this morning. I asked him if he was hurting and wanted pain meds, and he shook his head no. A minute later he asked Brittany why no one had brought him a drink and his pain meds, because he just told her he wanted them. (He didn't.) We give him pain meds about every two hours, around the clock.

I'm not sure how long he will continue to be mobile, possibly a few days. He is laying on the bed sleeping now. Sometimes when Brittany says hi to him, he will give her the sweetest smile. He seems so innocent and trusting.

We don't know how much longer he will be with us, maybe a few weeks. There is a peaceful, calm feeling in our home, and we know the Spirit of the Lord is here with us. We know there are spirits here from the other side, excited and eager to welcome Jim into the next realm. We are so grateful for the Gospel, and the principle of eternal families. We know that we will be together again in the next life, and throughout eternity.

Need Prayers

2009-05-25T22:40:00.001-06:00

Jim is having a hard time. Please pray for us.

Latest news

2009-05-15T22:18:00.003-06:00

Sorry its been so long.

We had a wonderful trip to SLC. Jim was able to see a lot of family and friends, and the trip was great. Thanks to Great Grandma Cook for letting us use the condo, it was perfect! Thanks also to all the U of U people who showed their love and appreciation for Jim at the lunch. It meant so much to him to see all of you and feel your support. It was great to see old high school friends and family!

Josh graduated from college, and Jim and I went to the graduation lunch with Josh and Kirby. It was wonderful, we are so proud of all his hard work!! Nicole came down and spent several days with us between semesters, we really loved spending some time with her.

We have been working hard with Jim and the hospice nurse the control the cancer pain. He is doing pretty well for the most part, just very tired. He sleeps a good part of every day, but is still able to wake up and participate in some activities. Justin has had several performances the last few weeks, for the school musical, jazz band, and orchestra. Jim made it to everything but the jazz band, and really enjoyed seeing Justin perform. Katie also had a performance for her fourth grade class, and Jim was there to cheer her on!

We did something last weekend that we have not done for a very long time. We saw a movie at the movie theater!! :) We saw the Star Trek movie, and Jim made it through the entire show! It was so great, we did popcorn and drinks and the whole thing. I think I may have enjoyed it more than he did... lol ... but we both had a good time.

Between all the performances and the movie, we pretty much wore Jim out. He has had several days of sleeping and not much else. His feet have swollen to about twice the normal size, and he has lots of numbness and tingling in his hands and feet. He threw up again today, has not done that for a while. For the most part, the nausea has stopped, although sometimes it just comes on for unknown reasons.

He is still unsteady on his feet, and fell again last week, this time outside on the cement. He bruised his ribs and scraped his arm, but didn't break anything. He uses the walker most of the time when we go out, sometimes the wheelchair. He still eats, but not as much. He likes fruit and fudge bars (which is not good for his diabetes), but we just kind of feed him whatever he wants. He still loves to watch movies, although he dozes off a lot in the middle of them. It takes a lot of energy for him to talk, so he is very quiet most of the time.

He did have a good day yesterday, and we went to his Uncle Lou's house to sit in the hot tub. That helped his feet feel better.

We love our hospice nurse. She comes over twice a week to check on Jim, make sure his pain is under control, orders his pain meds, and takes his vitals. We have also had some aids come to help us move furniture and do errands. This is much easier on Jim than the constant trips to the Dr and hospital. We are grateful for the hospice program, and the wonderful people who work with us.

We are so grateful for the Gospel, for the knowledge that we have that life will continue for us on the other side of the veil. We are grateful for all the angels here and on the other side who give us strength and support.

SLC trip.

2009-04-24T13:01:00.002-06:00

OK, here is the plan for the weekend. We will be at Jims parents house on Saturday from 10:00 am to about 5:00 pm. Anyone who wants to visit us there, that would be great.
Address: 614 Wilford Avenue, Murray, Utah
Its about 6200 south, find the street (Wilford Ave) off of 725 east. Actually, look it up on the internet :) Monday Jim is having lunch with some former work friends, then a little get together with some High School friends in the evening. Tuesday is another free day, probably be at his parents house again.

We would love any and all visitors!!! Jim really wants to see as many people as possible while we are in town.

Quick update

2009-04-23T08:10:00.003-06:00

After much prayer and consideration, Jim and I both feel that hospice is the best option for him now. Its a good program. We will have a nurse come in twice a week to check on Jim, take his vitals, and she orders all his medications. There is also a nurse on call 24/7 if we ever need a nurse in an emergency situation. We can have an aid come in if needed to help with any additional needs we may have. They will even come and stay with Jim if I need to run errands or need a break, so that he won't be alone. They will also provide any medical equipment, such as a hospital bed or shower stool, if we have need of that. They have social workers who will help with bereavement, funeral arrangements, emotional support or whatever else you need. It is a service designed to make the last several months of a persons life easier in whatever way they can. Our Relief Society President is the nurse who will be caring for Jim, and she is a wonderful, loving person. We are grateful to have her.

Jim has a few things that he would really like to do, and the first is to travel to SLC to spend time with family and friends there. We are driving to SLC on Friday, and will be there until next Wed. We would love to see anyone who has a chance to visit with Jim. (Jim lost his cell phone, so please call mine.. 801-201-0935 if you need to make arrangements.)

He also would like to visit Rapid City one more time, so we are trying to arrange to go there towards the end of May. We'll keep you updated on that.

This is a difficult time, but we feel the sweet peace of the spirit in our home. We know that God is mindful of us, and that His plan is being fulfilled. Thanks again for all your prayers, love and support.

Whats new

2009-04-16T14:30:00.002-06:00

Jim has asked me to take over writing the blog for a while, so here is the latest.

Jim was having a lot of problems with the radiation, so we decided that it was probably harming him more than helping him. We stopped after seven treatments. His ability to swallow has been getting better, along with his appetite. He is not so sleepy, and is able to get around a little better, although he has fallen twice in the last week here at home.

Tuesday we went in for the second round of chemo. While there, they did a blood test (PT/INR) to check the thickness of his blood. He has been on a medication to thin the blood since last Oct, when he got blood clots in his arm. This medication is tricky to dose, and they do blood thickness tests once a week. We are constantly changing the dose of the medication, depending on how his blood looks for that week. Normal blood is about 1, and with the medication they like his to be between 2 and 2.5. When they did the test on Tuesday, his blood was 7.9, which is very very thin. They called the Dr, had us stop the medication, and scheduled another PT/INR for today. We went in this morning, and his blood is still very thin, 5.9 today. They scheduled another test for Sunday morning.

While we were at the hospital, Jim got up to use the restroom. He got very dizzy and almost fell, but the nurse caught him. They sat him down and looked at his eyes, and found that one pupil was significantly more dilated than the other. They checked his speech and reflexes, and then called the Dr again. We went straight over to the Dr office, and met with the on call Dr. Our regular oncologist has been out of town for a few weeks. She called to talk to Dr Richards (radiation Dr) about Jim. She originally wanted to do an MRI, because they feel that cancer growth in the brain is causing these additional symptoms. However, after consulting with Dr Richards, they feel that Jim is too weak to undergo any type of treatment for cancer in the brain, and so decided not to do an MRI. It would only confirm what we already suspect, and we would not treat anyway. They feel that maybe the best course of action at this point is to go on Hospice. The chemo does not seem to be slowing the growth of the cancer, and is hard on Jims body. We have not decided what we are going to do, we are considering all the options.

Easter was a beautiful day here in St George, a little windy but sunny and warm. After Church, we took the kids to the park and had a picnic. After we ate, Jim and I lay on a blanket in the grass, and the kids played soccer and hit a tennis ball around. It was really nice.

Jims brother Kelly came to visit for several days last week. It was nice to see him, and he and Jim had a good visit. Grandma Cook and Becky drove down from SLC last Thursday. They came over to see Jim, stayed for about an hour, then drove back to SLC on Friday. Grandma is still looking good, 95 years young and still full of energy! It was really nice to see her.

It is rainy and cold today. Jim is snuggled up on the couch in the living room, watching movies. Please continue to pray for us. We know that the Lord will give us strength equal to the task.

Update from Julie

2009-04-05T21:44:00.004-06:00

Sorry we haven't posted for a while. Jim seems to have a hard time writing on the computer lately, so I may be taking over for a while.

Jim started his new chemo about two weeks ago. We went in to IV therapy at 9:00 am, prepared to stay all day as we have done with his old chemo. We had a happy surprise when the nurse told us that we would probably be done by 10:00! Everything went very smoothly, and we were back in the car by 10:30. Jim was feeling great, so we decided to run some errands and then go to lunch. It was a beautiful day, warm and sunny, and we felt like we had really been blessed with a "bonus day" that we didn't expect to have.

The next day was the first day of radiation. They are doing 15 treatments, one each weekday for three weeks. The area they are targeting is the middle 1/3rd or so of the spine. The Drs found some new cancer growth mainly in his bones, a lot in the spine, and this treatment will hopefully kill some of this new cancer and relieve some of the spinal pain. This treatment went well, and the daily treatments only take about 30 minutes. We had another "bonus day", and were excited that Jim was doing so well.

By Friday, (April 27th), things started to catch up to him. He was feeling weak and exhausted, and started throwing up. He had a rough weekend.

Monday we got bloodwork and saw Dr Te. Jim's blood was still looking pretty good, and we got a new kind of nausea medication to try. The Dr did think that Jim was starting to get dehydrated, so we decided to get some hydration therapy Mon and Tues. It takes about three hours, and is just a good way to get some liquid into his body. It seemed to help a little.

We had some wonderful visitors this week. Monday, a good friend of Jims from High School, Hal Erickson and his wife, were able to spend most of the day with us. He and his wife live in France, and were in SLC to go through the temple with a daughter who is going on a mission. They made the long drive down to St George, and spent the morning with him at IV therapy. We went to lunch together afterwards. Hal gave Jim and I each a beautiful blessing before they left to go home. They brought such a beautiful spirit into our home.

Jim continued to get more tired and weak and the week progressed. He is sleeping most of the time now, kind of drifting in and out of sleep all day.

Friday morning I dropped him off at the door of the hospital where he gets his radiation therapy, and when I parked the car and got inside, I found him in a wheelchair with a couple of nurses talking to him. He had been unable to swallow anything all morning, and was too weak to walk. The radiation technologists were worried about doing his treatment, and called the radiation Dr to come see him. They put him in a bed in the radiation room, and we sat there for 30 min or so waiting to see Dr Richards. When Dr Richards arrived, we talked to him a little about how Jim was feeling, the nausea which had continued, his inability to swallow, and the general tiredness. The Dr also found some thrush in his mouth, which is a yeast infection. We decided to hold off and not do a treatment on Friday, and see how he feels by Monday. Dr gave us a prescription for the thrush. We got home and he started throwing up again. Rough day.

Saturday night Jim really wanted to go the the priesthood session of conference. Josh came over and got him and Justin, and they all went to the priesthood session. Jim took his wheelchair, and slept through most of it, but he made it to the end.

Jim is having a hard time walking, and is somewhat unsteady on his feet. He is feeling dizzy a lot. He has been somewhat withdrawn, very quiet and sleeping most of the day. I am not sure if we will continue with the radiation. I guess we will see how he is feeling tomorrow morning.

We appreciate all the love and prayers said on our behalf. We are so grateful for wonderful home teachers and Relief Society sisters. We are grateful for the Gospel, and the blessing of the Spirit in our home.

This may jump around bit but I have been reminded again to write

2009-03-24T00:30:00.003-06:00

UPDATE:
My friend from the U of U reminded me how important it is. Thanks, Mitchell.

I went to the doctor's office today, as well as IV Therapy, and radiation. Starting tomorrow, we will head again in a different direction. As a lot of you may have been able to tell, I have been struggling with the old chemo treatment. And also we want to explore the possibility of me having depression issues. So along with the new chemo, we are going to start some radiation therapy down my spine. I went to get setup for that today too and found that difficult to do. It has been rough couple of weeks. Lost my appetite a lot (we think it was the antibiotics i was given by the lung specialist or maybe the iron we started or something so we are going to go off them one at time and see if it makes any difference. I apologize for the delay, but it has actually been hard to blog into the computer again.

A few people have come by this past week and made my week survivable including a quick visit back to the ER 0n Sunday. My folks came down for a few days, my brother Dan and his wife and their little baby. Both of my daughters came down, and tonight, Captain Lynn Mitchell came over for w a while. I forgot to take hiw picture before he left so I made him come back. I have a few pictures, scattered through my cameras, so I will try and find them. If I get them on twice forgive me and if I forget them, forgive me too. More later.

MOM an DAD and I in Snow Canyon:

Couple of new visitors

2009-03-16T04:41:00.002-06:00

I had a few visitors that stopped on their way through. I am glad they stopped for whatever reason. Steve Allen and his wife have been longtime friends and golfing partners forever. Steve is one of the ones that we did the all-day marathon with every year. Going to really miss it.

Then Dave Copier and his boy stopped to visit again on their way down to the Mountainwest Tournament. Seems like everyone is headed down that way. So here is Dave in front of the blog wall.

Then these guys make it tough to know where they are going. Some more golfing buddies from a previous life (so to speak). Pugmire has already been on here once, but since his sweet daughter took good care of us in the hospital when I had my tube taken out (she was a sweetheart) I figured I would let Bryan be in twice for her. And Mike Dahle another good friend that we did a lot of golfing. All headed down for the Mountain West tournament. I almost got in and went with them. It was tempting.

Julie's take on things

2009-03-13T22:15:00.003-06:00

Jim asked me to write for him today, since he is getting behind in blogging.

This has been a busy week. On Monday morning, we had an appt with Dr Te, (pronounced Tay) Jims oncologist. We had blood work done, and everything looked good clinically, except that Jim is losing weight again. He has been suffering from a lot of nausea, and has not had an appetite for a few weeks. We are not sure why, because he has not had chemo for five weeks. Possibly a side effect of some of the medications he is taking. But he didn't want to start another round of chemo if he was already feeling sick. The Dr agreed. He felt that we should change to a different type of chemo, and maybe that would make Jim less sick. The one he is on now is very harsh. So we are going to another regimen, once a week for three weeks, then one week off. We are scheduled to start that next Tues. We will see....

After the Dr, we went over the the new hospital to radiology. Jims drainage tube has not been working, and we, along with Dr Te, had decided that there was no reason to keep it in. They did a CT scan of his lungs, and there was not much fluid present. There also has been no shortness of breath, or pain in the lung area. We were baffled by this, because he has been producing so much fluid since October. The Dr told us there could be many reasons for the lack of fluid, but the most likely cause is that scar tissue has built up and fused the lining of the lung to the chest wall. This does not allow any space for the fluid to build up, which is actually a very good thing. The removal was easy, and only took about 10 minutes after the Dr came into the OR. Jim felt pretty good afterwards, and we went home after about 90 minutes in recovery.

Wednesday morning, Jim was scheduled for a PET scan. For this test, he has to drink a liter or so of radioactive fluid, then they strap him to a table and run a scan for about 30 minutes. He has to hold really still. They can then look at the results, and it tells us if the cancer is actively growing, and where and how much there is. He had one in October, another in December. Jim has been having increased pain in his back, so we were afraid that the cancer had been growing more in his spine and bones. He did pretty well for the scan, but had a hard time drinking all the fluid.

Wed afternoon, Justin competed in the regional solo and ensemble festival. Jim and I really wanted to see him perform, so we went to the school after the PET scan. We arrived in plenty of time, but were told the wrong room, so we sat in an empty auditorium while Justin played in the Seminary building. :( Such is life......

Wed evening, I was singing and speaking for a RS program, and Katie had a special fireside at the temple visitors center at the same time. So Jim packed up his oxygen, his blankie, pillow and fentanyl stick one more time, and drove Katie to the fireside. They even stopped by the Church on the way to hear me sing! Jim was exhausted when they got home, but he slept better Wed night than he has for a long time. :)

Thursday afternoon we had an appt with the lung Dr. He saw Jim in the hospital several weeks ago, and has been treating him with antibiotics for the lung infection. He looked at the CT scan, and told us that it looked like the infection was cleared up. Jim was very happy to hear this, because the antibiotics he has been taking were really yucky, and Jim had to take them four times a day for a month. It also has been upsetting his stomach. No more icky antibiotics, yeah!

The Dr. listened to Jims chest, looked at his bloodwork, and also looked at the PET scan results.
He told us that there is some new growth of the cancer, mostly in his bones and spine. There is also a small new growth in the upper lobe of the left lung. He said Jim has about 2/3 lung capacity still in his left lung. He also saw a small amount of fluid between the top and bottom lobes of the lung. Jims oxygen levels continue to look good. His blood count for the cancer is still high. We have another appt with Dr Te on monday, and we will discuss the possibility of radiation again, as well as the new chemo.

Today, we went for a drive. One thing that Jim really enjoys is going for a drive. We drove north today, and went all the way to Enterprise. Its a tiny little town, one gas station/grocery store, a miniature library, and a wee bitty post office. It looks a lot like Richfield, but much smaller. To get there, we drove through some amazingly beautiful country. Jagged red and white rocks one minute, forrest the next. We even saw some snow! We have gone lots of places the past few months that neither of us had ever been before, just driving around the countryside down here. It is so beautiful, we are truly blessed to live in such an amazing place.

Jims parents drove down to visit today, we are grateful to have them here. Next week is spring break for school and college, so we hope (with Justins help) to get some yard work done. Anyone who would like to volunteer to help........ :)

We rely so much on the Lord, and are so grateful for all the prayers and service in our behalf. We are reading a book together, The Peacegiver, by James L. Ferrell. It is a wonderful book, and we are having some great discussions about the atonement and forgiveness. It is really neat to have this time together, to draw closer to each other and to the Lord.

Sunday Morn again

2009-03-08T08:21:00.003-06:00

Well here it is Sunday morning again and once again I am unable to sleep. Today it is for a more logical reason.... I somehow came down with the flu bug. Lee and Sharon W. stopped over and she made a special trip to bring me (what she called) contraband. She had made some chocolate dipped strawberries and even brought a box of chocolate doughnuts. They were down from Salt Lake for a golf tournament Lee played in and I am glad he stopped with Sharon to talk about golf a little. It was almost as good as talking about computers with Josh and Kirby. Now normally this would have been heaven for me, but just before they got here (and also right after they left) I got to visit the bathroom again in the kneeling position. I didn't think there was anything in there but enough to do the trick twice. So at the time it made it even worse when those two things (chocolate anything really) I would normally want so badly but they didn't even appeal to me. I appreciated the effort and the visit and I hope they don't catch the flu (I did warn them).

I have really been having a struggle with all this lately and I can't seem to shake it. I am tired of being sick all the time. I guess it is the opposite of the 5 weeks of relatively good health I had and the things I was able to do. In the Book of Mormon, Lehi tells Jacob there must needs be opposition in all things. I used to joke and tell people that is why I was brought into the world. Now I believe I was brought into the world to "experience" all the opposition instead of "be" it. I am sorry for the lack of writing and I got reprimanded by several people when I let my blog go for a few days. I apologize because I never thought that people would read into the silence the "worst case scenario" and I also never thought people had the time or inclination to check this every day but I heard from some people that they do. Again I am sorry.

So now to keep you updated: I am still scheduled to take out the drain tomorrow. Some of you might have missed it all, but a couple of weeks ago the drain stopped working. We went in to have it checked and they eventually replaced it. The "new" one didn't do any better so after talking with the doctors, we determined if it isn't going to work we might as well take it out. The current theory is that scar tissue or something has created pockets instead of one big pool of fluid laying in the lung area to drain. But on the same token, for some reason I have not been creating as much fluid to drain either. It could be the same scar tissue that is the cause of that as well. The interesting part is I am not sure my doctors are all communicating well because I have chemo scheduled for Tues., right after this little "removal" surgery. I am hoping the surgery is not that bad, but that is what they told me about the last time when they replaced it. I guess we will see. Prayers are in order again so I am putting out the cry for help through the prayers again. While you are at it, pray for a little help to get over this stupid emotional and mental depression I am going though. I could use a lot of help there as well.

I also wanted to brag on my kids again. Josh's choir concert was awesome (even though we forgot the pictures like I said), but then Justin's orchestra concert went over the top again. He played with both the High School and the Middle School and is first chair for both. Unfortunately he is a perfectionist and never happy if his performance is not perfect and we have to assure him that he did an awesome job anyway. He had a solo inbetween the High School and Middle School concerts along with several other kids. There was one kid that played the violin and was probably in the same level of ability as Justin, but everyone forgets to mention that he is only in Middle School. I really am proud of both of them. Josh just decides to pick up the sticks and play the Marimba this semester (I think there was a little desire to be with Kirby too...lol) and Justin just always blows us away. I need to also say that Kirby (was in Josh's concerts too) was great too, and she deserves some recognition because not only is she gifted on percussion and the piano, she makes Josh try harder too at the things he does. We love her being a part of our family and she is an angel as well. I love my boys (and girls) and in a discussion with one of my friends (and former employee) from Rapid City he commented on how lucky I was to have a close relationship with my family and when he wrote that to me, it reminded me again of how grateful I was for my second chance. I know that this should help me overcome some of the depression, and I forget how grateful I am sometimes, but it seems to be harder to remember as time goes on.

I also want to thank my wife publicly for all she does. When Katie got the flu a few weeks ago, it pushed her to her limit having two extremely needy and whining "kids" so I was so glad when her parents came down and rescued her. And Teresa the week before. Thanks to all of you, and while we are at it, I want to thank all our other angels here on earth. Our home and visiting teachers, and Julie's companion Marsha. I did make it to the hearing ward last Sunday and bore my testimony which was one of my short range goals. Then last Friday night we went over to the deaf branch for an activity. It always amazes me how many people show up to those activities and also what good food they have too. I wished I could have eaten more. We need to take Katie to all the activities for the branch because they called her to be the branch Historian. So she took her camera and took pictures. Now we have to put them on the branch blog I created. She is pretty excited about that too.

Well I hope that updates you on my status so no one gets mad at me again for a while. Pray hard and you are all in my prayers as well.

Sorry it has been a while

2009-03-07T06:37:00.002-07:00

I apologize for the delay. I have been getting out a lot and doing some things that are good for I think, but they really wear me out. I also am having a real hard struggle emotionally. I talked to Josh Haycock about it a little and he said it is normal. Well since I have never been considered normal in my life, I was hoping to bypass that. But no....I get a full on dose of depression, emotional breakdowns, and even one or two "Why me's" have escaped my lips. So since everyone wants to see me be mr. positive on m blog and I haven't been really positive at all, I have had a hard time writing anything. I have even lost my apetite which is terrible because I had a great appetite a while ago. But now my stomach is in constant turmoil and I have even lost two more pounds according to them doctors office last week.

So I will try and pull myself out of it and do better. Don't give up on me. I am scheduled to have the drain in my chest taken out still on Monday (it quit working 3 weeks ago) and if all goes well then another round of chemo on Tues. Fun times for all....... Hang on......

Another word from our sponsor.....

2009-03-04T18:48:00.002-07:00

Oh wait I don't have a sponsor yet.......anyone want to be my sponsor. I don't know what for but I am sure we could come up with something. So here is the latest for today. I am scheduled to have my drain removed next Monday after the tests in the morning. The morning tests are to determine if I am still good for chemo on Tues. We postponed the chemo for a week and I am finding reasons everyday why it was a good thing. I was thinking about the reasons I believe I have been given a second chance here on earth. I have been saying since last year that one major reason for the second chance was to build better relationships with my family and to be able to attend their plays and concerts and to be able to see how gifted my kids are (and then brag about it on my blog). So since I believe that wholeheartedly, it happened again several times this week and if I had had chemo, I would not have been able to go to these performances.

Josh had a choir concert and when we got there (a little late) we ended up on the very front row and when Josh stepped forward for one of the songs we got to hear him sing a grat solo, and see him right in front of us. It was awesome but even though we took the camera, we were so enthralled with his performance, we forgot to get some pictures. He did a great job and I made it to the very end. Then on Tues he had another concert. This one was for the percussion and jazz band. I decided no matter how tired I was I would be there. Thanks to my fentinel sticks and hydrocodone I went and thoroughly enjoyed every song. I found out Josh did something new this semester that I didn't know he tried. Kirby talked him into taking the percussion class and even though he had never plyed it before, I watched him play the marimba in this concert. He looked like he was having a great time and he said later he was. It was totally awesome. Plus I was able to stay again to the very end.

Then, just about 10 minutes ago Justin brought me a paper telling us he had a couple of concerts tomorrow night. I am so glad that I am able to go and now I think I may know another possible reason for me not feeling ready for chemo. I would have missed some pretty important concerts for me to have missed. So if it was something else,then that is ok too, but it has given me a chance to make good on my committment and I am really trying hard to take advantage of my second chance. So with my medication and the Lord's support I will be there.

My wife is correct

2009-03-02T17:44:00.002-07:00

Julie has been telling me all week that it is my life and I am in charge because I was not feeling good about going in for chemo already. We went in for the blood tests and all systems were go from the tests, but I talked to my doctor about my concerns and after discussing everything we postponed it one week. Then we went to radiology and checked on the drain. In that discussion we decided that the drain is not going to do any more good so we are going to take it out (possibly in the next day or two (which we wouldn't be able to do if I had had chemo). I hope it works out so we can get it done. I also hope I am feeling better next week because I do want to get this chemo done as it is the last one before another PT scan which will tell us how well the chemo is working. Anyway I am still tired (really tired) but I hope I can get better by next week. In fact I am too tired to write any more, but I will try and keep you updated as the week develops. Thanks again for the prayers.

Concert was awesome

2009-02-27T22:16:00.002-07:00

I made it through the concert and it was awesome. Josh even had a solo part and did a terrific job. I think we blew it though because we got so caught up in the concert we forgot to take any pictures and we even remembered to take the camera. Oh boy are we sorry. Anyway Josh was great and Kirby did some percussion stuff for them. Great fun and I made it all the way to the end of Josh's songs. Gotta love my "morphine sticks". Congrats you two.

Little by Little

2009-02-27T14:14:00.002-07:00

Well it seems to be true. Every day I get feeling better and better. Yesterday, we went to a spa place where Julie and Katie played tennis and I watched. It was good to get out and then we went to the hottub and I actually put my feet in and it felt so good. One of the side effects of both chemo and diabetes is you can lose some of the feeling in your feet and so since I have both, it is a for sure thing that my feet are always tingling and feel cold. Most of the time it feels like I have hundreds of tiny needles pushing up from the bottom and when I walk it makes it even worse. Anyway, the hottub helped take some of the needles away so I think I will try and go as often as I can with them. It helped Julie feel better too. We had a good time all together. Katie even met a new friend in the hottub. A girl that knew a little sign language and tried to sign with her. After a few minutes, we found out she was Justin's drama teacher at the middle school. What a small world.

Today I am resting as much as I can to get ready for Josh's concert tonight. I really want to see it. So we are praying hard for some extra strength for tonight. I will let you know how it goes.

Finally

2009-02-25T14:11:00.002-07:00

After many many days of no better changes, I think today is better. I walked with Julie's dad yesterday up the street and it wore me out a little but I think it was good too. I feel a little bit better today and have actually been able to get out of bed for a while. I am hoping this is the first day of the upward trend. Will keep you posted.

Today's update

2009-02-24T16:48:00.002-07:00

I am still extremely tired and all I do is sleep it seems. It seems like that part never gets any better. Julie's dad is here "tending" us and so far he has spent quite a bit of time paying attention to Katie because i have just been sleeping. But Katie has kept him pretty busy playing "Sorry" (the board game) and making three different things for lunch that Katie says taste weird so she won't eat (he thinks they taste fine). I tried to get up and go for a walk up and down the circle, but all it did was make me even more tired. I am totally exhausted now. I am trying to stay sitting in my chair, but I keep looking at my bed next to me and wondering if it is really calling me or if I am just hearing voices like I used to. I thought years and years of therapy got rid of the voices.

I am so glad they came down and I hope Julie has a good break with her mom. Sometimes all you need is your mommy to make things all better.

New test

2009-02-23T11:21:00.002-07:00

I guess the Lord decided we didn't have enough trials and tests, so he blessed us with the flu. While Brittany was here over the weekend, Katie picked up the flu bug somewhere. She started throwing up Saturday. So we are quarantined into our rooms and poor Julie has been pushed to the limit. Luckily her parents are coming down today and try and give her a break. Her Dad is going to "tend" us (me and Katie) and her Mom is going to take her out for "Julie day". I am so glad. She needs a break. One of us dependent, whining, needy patients is enough to do anyone under, but now two is what I would consider cruel and unusual punishment. My thanks goes to them even before they get here. Julie is so looking forward to it.

Sunday

2009-02-22T11:47:00.003-07:00

And so it drags on. I am glad I had a few good weeks and lots of people visit because this treatment effects keeps hanging on longer than before. I may not have a good week this time. Even today I was barely able to get some food in me but all I want to do is sleep, and sleep, and sleep. I hope I get a turn around soon. If not, I will have very little time to feel better before we go back to it again. Yukkky. Still have a bit of a bad attitude.

Last night I also had a terrible bout of fear. After Julie went to bed, I had a great fear come over me and the worst part was I didn't know what I was afraid of. But until I laid down next to Julie I was almost completely overcome with fear. After laying by her for 10 minutes and saying a prayer, I finally felt better and went to bed on my side, took my pills and went to sleep. Still don't know what it was, but I know I didn't like it. I hope it doesn't come again.

Well time for my afternoon nap (like my Dad says).

Makes you wonder

2009-02-21T21:23:00.002-07:00

You know, I just finished watching the Jazz game they dedicated to Larry Miller and have watched several of the tributes to him and they keep showing the doctor for Larry who makes the point that they could have had him around for 20 or 30 years more if he had taken care of himself before. So obviously I have decided that I am going to do everything I can (especially because I have diabetes as well), but it makes me wonder 2 things; 1) If there was anything in my life that I could have done to prevent this cancer or 2) if it is God's will could anything I do affect it before or after. It makes me wonder but I am still committed to doing everything I can to prolong my time which includes taking care of myself, eating better, and doing the insulin like I should. Just thinking...... and maybe I shouldn't think so much.

I am sorry

2009-02-21T16:37:00.002-07:00

I guess I am in trouble for not keeping up with the blog. I apologize to those of you who like to read it, but I couldn't get myself to write anything this whole week while I was in the hospital and honestly I am not really in the mood right now either, but since I have been alerted by several people as to the importance in their lives of reading my blog, I will try. I will start with the hospital info and then talk about a couple of other things.

Last weekend. I was having some concerns about my breathing and also some chest pains that were more than normal or at least different. So Sunday morning, after trying to drain again with only minimal success Julie again felt that we should go into the ER. So early in the afternoon we tested our theory again. Normally when you go into the ER and you could have a bone sticking out someplace and they make you fill out registration stuff and sit out in the open area for at least an hour. But we found the trick. You look sickly (not to hard for me), walk in hunched over and tell them you are having chest pains and a hard time breathing. Every time we do that , they immediately put me in a wheelchair and call for an open room. I was back in a bed laying down within 5 minutes and the registration lady came back and got the information from Julie while she was in the room with me. So now you know how to beat the system. I think the people who were in the waiting room were ticked off pretty good.

After several tests and an x-ray and a cat-scan, Dr. Te was called and he agreed that I should be checked in. A good part of that was because my blood thinning was out of control again. It is supposed to be aound 2.x and this time it was even higher than the last time. IT was just over 6.0. We said hi to all our friends on the way (we know about half the people there now) and when we got onto the third floor, about half the nurses said welcomed us back again too. Then they started doing a lot of different tests and eventually a lung specialist come in and start looking into my situation. I did some lung tests, they had me on antibiotics, and lots of other drugs. The best thing was that all I had to do was tell them the pain was coming back and they would bring in a desert tray full of pain killers and say "what kind would you like today?". I could choose between fentynil sticks or IV, or a couple others that I didn't go for or my drug of choice...... morphine. With my port-a-cath accessed, drawing blood and injecting drugs is quick and easy. It is going to be tough to going back to having to wait.

After the results came back from some of the tests for the lung specialist they found a second infection they didn't know about and finally got my blood back to the thinness is was supposed to be at. I guess cumedin is not an art. It is sometimes tricky to get it right. The worst thing about this trip to the hospital was my attitude and how tired I was. Several people came to visit and I didn't even stir (which is very unusual for me) and I slept a lot. I mean a lot. This made me very frustrated bacause I could not spend much time awake with Julie. I told her she might as well go home and take care of the kids at home. Unfortunately, this happened to be one of those times when I found I really needed her. I feel like a wimp at those times, but I don't care anymore. I really missed her and spent one night crying most of the time I was awake. Luckily I slept more than I cried. The next night she stayed with me later and only went home after I fell asleep. I love her so much and I now hate the hospital even more. After several days, lots of test, x-rays, and about every nurse in that place checking my breathing, taking my vitals, and 15 bazillion pills they let me go home. Just before I left, I started to feel quite naseaus again, but I took an anti pill and waited till I could sit up enough to get in the car and made a break for it. Got home ok but went straight to bed and fell asleep immediately.

End result: It was a tough way to find it, but I think it was critical that we went in and Dr. Te called in the Lung specialist because he found the second infection that needed a different anti-biotic and they also re-verified several things that had been a concern to me like the fluid in the heart area and lung area. I was happy about that.

I do have to compliment the people at the DRMC also know as the IHC Hospital here in St. George. The doctors and nurses were very good and very friendly. They get an A for service.

When I got home and finally turned the computer on and checked mail and things, I read my friend Megan's update on her surgery and realized that I was pretty blessed to get in and out with the little bit I went through and again I immediately said another prayer for her. Bless her soul, she is a great inspiration to me. She has a great spirit and and a great husband. Like me, if we didn't have the great spouses we do, we would never make it and I know it. God bless you Josh H. and thanks to my lovely wife Julie. Megan our prayers are with you and hopefully you will be out soon too.

I will write more in a bit, but for now, I am too exhausted.

Be back soon I hope. At least the weather is nice and oh hey I almost forgot..... Brittany drove down for the weekend. It is so great to see her. I think I will go give her another hug. Love her a lot.

Ha .... fooled you all

2009-02-16T20:39:00.002-07:00

Just when you (and I) thought I was on my way back, I fooled everyone and decided to have chest pains and shortness of breath enough that Julie listened to the spirit and ....... even though I fought it all day we finally went to the ER around 1:30 in the afternoon and after some testing and checking and cat scans and all, they decided to check me back in again. My blood thinning must be going really well cause it is back up to 6 (should be around 2 -2.3) and last time the admitted me before it was only 5 so we beat our old record. I got a little bit of a bloody nose and it wouldn't stop for over 45 minutes. So here we are again and they are checking on some other things especially for infections but I am glad I am here where they can monitor the thinness of my blood until we get it right (again). I can't believe it all goes crazy just when I think I have beat it for this time. The good news is that I have a little appetite back and I have Julie convinced that the only thing I can get to stay down right now is steak. (Good one huh). But it is true and it is also the only thing that sounds good when I think about eating.

It was pretty funny because as we checked in to the ER and then when they wheeled me back to my room (it's the 3rd time I have been on the 3rd floor, we passed about 20 people and almost half of them would get a big smile and say "Hey how are you..... back again I see" We have more friends now in the hospital than we do at our house. Even some guy came up to Julie down in the cafeteria and said, "Hey, aren't you James Cook's wife" a few weeks ago. I guess we are here more than I would suspect is typical. They say you make an impact everywhere you go, but I would think that the hospital is not one to braag about.

Nicole came down for the weekend and it was great to have her, but it was not great because I spent most of the time in bed trying to get better until today when I checked into the hospital. Not fun at all. She had some friends down with her though who stayed at one of their parents condos or something. They had a few activities and parties, so she was ok, but I missed her and hope that next time she (and I) will be able to do something together. I am trying real hard to look at a positive side of this and I guess when I consider what other reasons could have brought me here, I actually do count my blessings (huh Megan). Still praying for you and Josh.

Thanks to everyone who recently sent me an update to their families as well on my e-mail because I love to hear what is happening to all of you. If I end up not sleeping tonight (which is highly likely cause the hospital is the wrong place to try and get any rest) I may be back on the computer and putting down some more thoughts.

Love you all ...... Jim (#5097x) number on my tag......lol.

Sunday thoughts delayed (not morning)

2009-02-16T01:41:00.002-07:00

I was laying here this morning (it is actually Monday now) and realized that in some aspects, I am still being selfish and need to learn to think of others and their needs as well as mine. This came to me when my home teacher (from the deaf branch) and very dear friend Bro. Harris finally came over after not coming for a few weeks. I really missed him and (through the Branch President) kind of put a little guilt trip on him and he finally came over last night. As we talked, I realized (as did he) that one of the biggest reasons he hasn't come over is because of his closeness to people (lots of them in his family) who get cancer and then he loses them when they die. He finally found someone that he bonded with (that would be me) and he was afraid to lose me. Well, I totally understand and I realized that he needed time to resolve that in his mind and I started pressuring him to come over before it was resolved. We are ok now and I feel like we both walked away last night from the visit with a good feeling and I love him even more than before, but again I felt ashamed and humbled that I did not think of his feelings or situation. Instead all I cared about was I wanted someone to take care of my loneliness and needs. (I blame it on the medication and I am sticking with it.)

Now update on the week. This week set me back a little and it was a pretty rough one. I spent a lot of the week in bed or in my chair next to my bed. This is not my idea of a good time. Trust me. And because I went into this week's chemo in less than good strength, I think the chemo had an even tougher impact on me. But I think I am on the upswing now. Yesteday (Sunday) I was able to get out twice for a quick walk around the track (that is a little path up and down the street in front of my house that has become my walking trail). I have been able to eat more and it has stayed down and I do not have to have an anti-naseau pill everytime I try and eat anything. This week has left me weak. I have no strength in my legs at all. But I am working on it with the walks. Now if I can get a little more sleep at night, we just may be on our way back.

That is the update. ttyl

Wish I could forget more

2009-02-12T19:50:00.002-07:00

I forgot what a trip it is on chemo and I wish I could forget more. It has been so long since I had a "downer week" that I forgot how bad it can be. Actually I do remember how bad it can be from the first time, but I forgot what the next few times were like..... but I remember now. I think I laid in bed all morning and couldn't hardly move (didn't want to either) except to go into the next room for a few minutes and come back to bed. Julie asked me twice how I was doing and I didn't even answer, I just put a "thumbs down" in the air and went back to sleep. I have been able to control the nausea pretty much with the pills. It doesn't make it go away really, it just keeps me from following through. It's tough too because I have pains as well left over from surgery that need medicine to cope. The medicine I need for that usually suggests not to take it without food and food is almost impossible to get down even with the nausea pills. I also am supposed to be drinking lots of fluids to get the chemo out of my body as quick as I can and even drinking anything right now is a challenge.

Like I said, I forgot how much fun chemo can be. But I am not really complaining because I have first hand experience on how much worse it can be and was. I am grateful for medicine, doctors, friends, wives (well mostly mine), family, and most importantly my testimony of my savior. All of these have played a part in my reaction, readjustment, and recovery thus far from the cancer. While my cancer will never go away, I am grateful for the second chance (like I have expressed before) to reconnect and reestablish relationships as well as build new memories with many people friends. So to all of you who have helped me in any way, I wanted to thank you again. You all have been so good to me and supported me in anything I have needed. From the wonderful people in Rapid City, and my friends and family in Salt Lake, to the great people here in St. George and all my friends and relatives I have all over (most of them I found on "facebook" too). I thank each of you for what you have done and I hope and pray that your efforts will be rewarded as much as is possible.

I might not write a whole lot for a couple of days, but know that I love each and everyone of you and love to see your comments and get you e-mails too. Have a "great moment" for me too and share them with me if you want.

Morning after

2009-02-11T06:22:00.004-07:00

Well, so far the real bad after effects of the chemo haven't hit yet so I wanted to take some time to share some thanks again. This one goes to my oldest boy Josh and his wife Kirby. He and Kirby were inspired to come over Mon night after they got most of their homework done. Josh and Kirby are both taking classes to graduate from Dixie in the computer program and they also work for the college doing tech support (although in different areas). Two peas in a pod for sure. When they come over, it is the only time I get to talk "geek speek" and every time I do, I feel so much happier. I love my wife with all my heart, but computers have never been something that she has been interested in, other than e-mail, word processing and a few therapeutic games. So, Josh and Kirby are like a shot of adrenalin for me when they come over and visit me.

I was very very apprehensive Mon night (even my wife commented that I was extremely over agitated). They were inspired to come over by Justin hounding them for a new game they introduced to him over the weekend until they gave in and brought it over. But they stayed for a couple of hours and we just talked about their jobs and classes and it completely calmed me down and the best part was discussing their latest episodes at the college. In fact I think Josh has the best (or close to it) "tech support line from a customer" I think I have heard in quite a while.

Josh was trying to help a professor set up some software for his class. The College's IT department finally purchased for him because he was so demanding. He changed his mind regularly on certain aspects like where the computer desks had to be, so wiring became an issue and so forth. He also got so frustrated because he tired to install it himself (the professor) on all the computers in the class when the college had only got a 20 user license and identified 20 machines that it was installed on. So the professor used his own dept money to buy 20 more licenses but not the upgrade that had been applied to the first 20 already (so it was a different version too) and installed the new software himself. Not knowing any of this at the time, Josh began the imaging process the night before it was needed and when he came in the next day, the professor came in and was upset because he couldn't get to the internet after he logged on and couldn't get to his files etc. The only problem with the professor's story was the imaging process had not completed with the reboot so there was no way he could have logged on in the first place and when Josh tried to point this out, Josh explained "your hard drive doesn't even have an operating system on it yet" the professor was very perturbed. I think he may have also realized he had been caught in his own words and no way out so he just got upset and said (you are going to love this one) " I don't need a hard drive, I just need to have this program loaded". Even semi-geeks have to love that one. It has become my new great one liner. Josh tried to be polite and just turned back to the computer and tried not to bust up laughing. Pretty good if they don't need a hard drive. Now all you real techy people are going to immedialtey see that as a challenge and start to figure out how to do it with external storage, and vitual apps and virtual machines, or even going clear into citrix and so on, but if you do figure it out and want to get into it, I will be happy to give you Josh's e-mail. I prefer to enjoy the humor of the principle itself. I have had my share of those experiences as well (nomenclature included).

I am really blessed to have such good kids and Nicole is coming back down this weekend and I am so happy again. I got to talk to Brittany on the phone the other day for almost a half hour and that made me feel better too. My kids are doing everything they can. Even Katie comes in every so often and asks if there is anything she can do. You should know how I feel about Justin too. Wow, when I think about these kids, I realize I have been blessed (maybe more than I deserve) but I am grateful anyway. Maybe it is because I chose the right wife. Ok, that's the one I am sticking with because it is the truth.

They say the truth will set you free, let's see what it will do for my cancer. I have decided to accept the truth. I have cancer. There now let' s see what happens. Wait wait wait........... Nothing yet....... maybe it takes longer....... so I will let you know what happens tomorrow. Until them have a great "5 moment day". Especially you Sharon. I sense you need one today so look for them and report to me later (jk).

Anyway, the whole thing did wonders for me and when I went to chemo yesterday I was calmed way down and ready to do it. I know they stayed a lot longer to talk with me that night because they had to get up early for school, but I love my kids because they also are willing to listen to the spirit and heed the promptings and their visit was just one of those occasions. We do have angels on this side of the veil and I have some that I call my kids. When you see your kids turning out as good as you hoped they would, it helps make it so worthwhile. It is even more exciting when they begin to choose spouses that you feel are also good spirits with good family upbringing and so far our kids have done stellar at that in our minds. We couldn't ask for better than Kirby and Clint for Josh and Brit...........and we haven't given up totally on Nicole yet either.......lol.

Chemo evening

2009-02-10T17:54:00.003-07:00

I have just gotten home from the chemo and so far everything went well. IT was typical. Checked in at IV therapy at the old hospital at 8:45 am and got hooked up to the tubes by 10:00. Then it just dripped in all day. We finished the last bag at 4:00 and Julie brought me home. So uneventful. I didn't get sick or anything while I was there. I do think that I was a little bit more tired than before because I was pretty apprehensive last night and didn't sleep well. I don't think I will have a lot of problem making up the time. If all goes as expected, I will have a lot of up and down days but mostly down. I will try and keep it updated here as best as I can. Thanks for everyone's support.

We are a go

2009-02-09T18:59:00.001-07:00

In spite of all my attempts to find a reason not to have chemo (lol) we are forging ahead as planned tomorrow with my next chemo treatment. So I am going to head down the bad chemo weeks pathway starting tomorrow. Should be a riot. Hopefully I will be able to keep you posted on some of it.

Ttyl

Sunday Morning - 4:00 in the morning

2009-02-08T04:46:00.002-07:00

Today's contemplations:

I have been thinking a lot about a conversation I had with a friend last night who I believe was inspired to come to my rescue and didn't know it. This friend is one of those (like I used to be) who has a lot of spiritual guidance in their life but has chosen to not always accept it as such. They are influenced a lot (like last night) by the spirit and even follow the promptings, but then they have a hard time recognizing the outcome as "tiny miracles" or spiritual guidance. Like last night for instance. I was in a lot of pain and the usual dosage of medication was not enough. I was tired of the pain and was just depressed.

I got on Facebook to see if that would help. I had a few people say hey and ask how I was and I just came right out and said how I felt at the time (pretty crappy) and most of them said oh sorry but were at a loss as to what they should say (I would be too). But after this one friend asked, and I responded, their answer caught my attention and I felt the spirit prompt me to talk to them some more. I didn't know why at the time, but it wasn't long before I realized that I could learn a lot from our discussion and then I also noticed that our conversation was also a tiny miracle (at least to me) and answer to my silent prayer. I had taken more medication but prayed quickly while I did, that I would be able to endure the pain until it went away. Most of the time I would have not put this whole converstion together as the answer to prayer that it was and both of us could easily have counted it as coincidental that we happened to be on there at the same time, etc. Not so anymore as I thought about it this morning.

Last night I was thinking (based on some of their questions) that I might be able to help them, as of this morning's meditations, I realized how much they helped me with those same questions and I thought through again some of the answers they gave me. I realized that I am still living in a very ego-centric world and need to start thinking more often about learning more from others. I was a little bit ashamed of my attitude, and hope that I can do better.

Now I am also grateful for other life long friends. I had my "friends forever" Dan P. and Andrea (another best friend from Qwest) stop and talk for a few minutes. I really needed that visit too and you can mark it off as coincidental if you want but I believe it was another tiny miracle. Some car situations and transportation for some people who were down here for my wife (Teresa and Julie's sister Maria), all of a sudden got resolved. Now Dan and Andrea probably don't know that they were answers to some prayers, but they were. And on top of that it really was great to visit with my old friend Dan. He has always been an awesome exmple to me of a terrific Dad to his kids, and a loving grandpa, as well as a hard worker, and like I said before a long time friend that I always have been able to count on no matter what. I am having a hard time transferring the pictures, but as soon as I can. I will have theirs right here.......lol

(picture of Dan and Andrea coming soon)

Lash out

2009-02-07T20:25:00.001-07:00

Getting tired of not feeling well....... I HATE IT..........so there!

Grandma Cook

2009-02-05T19:39:00.003-07:00

I mentioned my Grandma the other day in one of my posts. I wanted to say hi to her again and tell you a little bit about her. Grandma is 95 years young. She was always fun to visit because we knew where she kept the fig newtons hidden in the drawer in the kitchen. She always likes to brag about her posterity so I collected it so I could brag for her. Here is the latest count.
Children- 6
Grandchildren - 28 (I fit in here)
Great GrandCh- 94
Gr. Gr. Grandch - 23

For a total of ...... 151 immediate posterity.

She is awesome and a great inspiration to me. Thanks grandma.
(By the way to my relatives, she has Aunt Margie read the blog to her so say hi if you want.)

Voiceupdate

2009-02-05T12:26:00.002-07:00

As suspected, we need to do a follow-up injection for my throat. It worked really good for a week and then started backwards a little. The doctor was not too concerned, and we just scheduled the next one for the 25th (so far, but we will see how that goes). I barely made it through the appointment today but I am doing better than yesterday and a whole lot better than the day before. It has been pretty rough and I am grateful again for the pain meds I have. They are about the only thing that gets me through it. That a lot of prayers. So thanks to everyone again.

next update in .........well whenever something happens.....

4 AM Philosophy

2009-02-04T04:19:00.004-07:00

RANDOMNESS

Well here we are again at 4:00 like usual. Random thoughts this morning. I wanted to take a minute to thank my other brothers and sisters that have been trying to deal with my cancer in their own ways and I want them to know that I appreciate their efforts and their prayers. We were all taught by our mother and father that prayers work, and I know they do. In my case, I think a lot of us (myself included) were praying for things that were not in God's plan for me. So I am trying to bring his will into my life and make it mine. But anyway, back to my family..... My older brother Keldon who for years has tried to convince me that California (well San Jose) where he lives is the best place to live. I am sure it is for you, but for me right now (picture me in ruby red slippers clicking the heels 3 times) "there's no place like home.... there's no place like home". And that would be St. George today. Home used to be Murray, but mom's dolls chased us all out......lol. My older Sister Holly has her hands full in Cleveland Ohio but their Mission Presidency will be over in.......oops don't get trunky. My younger sister Wendy and I have some drugs in common right now too.... she gets to take coumadin as well. She has her hands full with little Tyler for sure, but he will grow up to be a great kid like his brother Chris. Then Dan.... my little bother as I call him (but it is definitely in jest - DORK). We used to golf a lot together and hope to again someday. He even learned that when you throw your clubs, you throw it down the fairway towards the green so you don't hold everyone up retrieving it. And then Judy. What can we say about her. She doesn't do anything half way. It is amazing what she gets done. She lives right behind David Archeleta (and Judy's house is for sale... don't tell anyone though it is a secret....lol.. it really is not a secret, but it is for sale). Well I hope I didn't say anything bad (I usually screw it up when I am trying to tell people thanks and how great they are. And they are great. Everyone of us are still getting along great. We try to talk with each other every so often (I gotta figure out how to catch Kelly on facebook, but we can't ever seem to be on together. Maybe we will have to schedule it......ahhhh ....nooooooo... be organized????? Not me. So thanks to the Cook kids at least my 5 siblings that are just great and I am so glad I could be in this family. I hope I haven't made things too difficult for you, but I am learning so much, that it actually has moments where I am grateful for this time. I know that sounds weird, but it happens from time to time. I am not happy about what is happening to my body, but to my mind and spirit I am growing a lot. Oh .... that reminds me (my mind), in case I didn't report on it (can't always remember) the MRI showed that the cancer spots on my brain are no worse either so they aren't concentrating on them right now. That is just fine with me.... I got a lot of other places we can focus on. So they tell me.....

I also wanted to say hey to my Grandma Cook who is enjoying some time back east with my uncle Maurice. I am glad they are taking good care of her. I do miss seeing her every so often at reunions and such. In fact her huge reunion she put together at the Homestead a few years ago was a highlight of my life and I will always cherish the memories of the whole thing. Thanks Grandma.

My family is great and I love them all but I better move on......

More later....

Longer update with more detail

2009-02-03T18:19:00.002-07:00

When I went to the doctor yesterday we had no idea what to expect with respect to my drain. My drain is simply a plastic tube that they pushed inside the lung cavity area and one end sits inside between the lung area and my chest (this is where the fluid is collecting). I thought there was some sort of filtering device on that end, but we learned last night that the tube just has a lot of holes in it at that end... nothing special. Then if you follow the tube out of the side of my body it has a little receptor hole at the end of the tube out here that you have to put a special connector in to drain the fluid. It is fairly new technology, but I (we) have been so glad to have it. So even with all this new (to me) info, the doctors were unable to determine why mine stopped working. I got into Radiology outpatient / staging area about 2:00 or 2:30 pm and we waited for a long time since they were squeezing us in. I was happy to wait. They finally came in and surrounded my bed and tried to clean the tube, inject saline, and whatever they could do to get it working again. No joy. So at this point (5:30 pm) they decide to take me back to a room where they do a little more involved surgeries. I vaguely remember this room from last October and then I (correctly) remember some recovery pain associated with it as well. The radiology people really know all about this drain and after they got me in the other room vand the doctor that did the original surgery (Dr. Olsen) came in they started pumping some medication into me that was supposed to help me feel better but I believe it was also to make me forget about what was about to happen to me in the next hour. I actually do remember crying out in pain several times throughout the procedure but I don't think Dr. Olsen was too concerned at the time. He never could determine what caused it to stop working so the only option left was to replace it. This they did and sent me back to my room. They observed me for a few more hours and then sent me home. I was happy to get home but later that night (or the next morning however you want to look at it) I was even more grateful for strong pain medication. I haven't had pain like this for a while but more grateful than ever for successful chemo.

It also brings back my respect and admiration for dear Megan and everything she is going through. My prayers are with you again friend. And to your great husband Josh H. my thanks for everything you are doing for her so she can be an inspiration to us all.

So how am I today? Bad enough that I couldn't go to my doctor's apt for proper authorization for chemo tomorrow. No go on chemo. (hey I like that one). There is a cheer for you Judy.....No go on chee mo.... , no go ... on che moo....lol.

Chemo is now rescheduled (again) for next tues. and I just hope that we can get it all under control by then. In the meantime I am sitting in my chair again remembering all the good visits I had and hoping it won't be long before we have more.

So now you know...... and knowing is half the battle (old timers join in ......GI JOE). Those who are old enough

I will try and update...good news bad news again...lol

2009-02-03T04:19:00.000-07:00

HERE IS THE UPDATE:

The bad news was that drain was unable to be fixed so they had to replace it.
The good news was that the radiology dept at the hospital (who were the ones that put it in) could squeeze me in at the end of the day for surgery.
The bad news was that they also squeezed in few more before me too,
The good news was that we only missed one apt
The bad news was that it was a follow up with Dr. Richards on the radiation.
The good news was that they finally got me into the room in radiology where they did the surgery and they were not going to put me under.
The bad news was ....... they were not going to put me under....lol
The good news was that the local anesthetics they gave me made me forget a lot anyway
The bad news was that it did not make me forget that the doctor was not gentle with me (I remember well the pain, but somehow didn't care at the time (enough drugs can do that I guess).
The good news was that I got to go home after about 3 hours or so of monitoring.
The bad news was as soon as I got home I could tell the medication was wearing off and quickly remembered exactly where the doctor was "not gentle".
The good news is that I have lots of drugs to help mitigate the pain.
The bad news is.... I had to use a lot of it at 3:00 in the morning.
The good news is, it worked so far.

Now the question is "Am I still going to be ready for chemo on Wed (I guess that is tomorrow). More tests today will tell us the answer to that one. Also, after a good discussion with the doctors and nurses at Radiology, we understand a whole lot more about this particular drain system and feel really good about the decision to use it. Also when they did drain the fluid that had built up in my lung cavity area, it ended up being about half of the amount that we anticipated. That is good too.

I will discuss more later about the drain tube, but I know a lot of people were wondering about the surgery so I tried to get it out there as quick as I could and now I need to try and let the drugs work and help me sleep (if I can).

Have a great "5 magic moment" day.

Sunday morning thoughts

2009-02-01T08:39:00.003-07:00

Emotional RollerCoaster:

Well this past two weeks has been a truly wild ride emotionally. Like a regular roller coaster. Typically I like roller coasters but not when you are describing my emotional experiences. It is very, very hard. And when everyone tells you that they are so impressed, that you are being positive through all this, you feel even more pressure to remain positive. Well for those of you that were expecting more out of me, I let you down this past week. I will admit to you publicly, that I had several emotional breakdowns and actually cried a lot. Some came from various experiences and other times it was just more than I could handle. But....... through it all I had several faith confirming experiences (and a couple of angels) that helped me through it. In looking back at each of them, one thing came through over and over to me and helped me more than anything else. I have a testimony of the gospel and know that I will be able to live forever with my wife and family if I remain faithful.

Most of my emotional breakdowns came in the middle of the night and I knew that all I had to do (and a couple of times I did) was go into the bedroom and wake my wonderful angel wife up and she would make everything all better (as much as she can). It was very comforting to know and to use this truth when I really needed her. Three nights ago (my 4:00 in the morning / can't sleep episode) was punctuated with a can't breathe and lots of pain in my chest and I immediately fell into a reality possibility mode and sort of lost it again. I climbed back into the bed (wishing I could snuggle some day again, but until the tubes are gone have to sleep only on my back) and started crying hard enough to wake up my wife. She held my hand through it and promised she would always be there for me until I settled down. This took about a half hour. I used to care if people knew I had these emotional breakdowns, but now I think it is important that those of you that are so impressed with my positive attitude, know that there is the other side I don't talk about a lot (but am not ashamed of now like I used to be). I have them like everyone else. They are more a part of my life now more than ever. I didn't use to let them out much. I don't know for sure that it "helps" me any to let them out, but I know now that they are necessary and it is ok. I think it helps me somewhat I believe so I can "live with it".

So those are my thoughts for today.

I hope you all have a great Sunday and then an even better week.

A lot of you are doing the 5 moment thing and that is awesome. It seems to help others as much as it did me. Thanks Sharon for the tips on "magic moments".

Nicole is amazing and Dad gets to brag

2009-01-31T23:46:00.004-07:00

My Daughter Nicole:

I am sure it will embarrass her a lot, but as a proud father of a very talented daughter it is my right (and responsibility) to do whatever I can in both of those areas. (Now that she is 21, as we found out earlier... she knows how to party....lol) As some of you might know my Nicole (going to school at UVU and did an internship in Washington D.C. last year) is a Sign Language Interpreter. There are 2 levels of Certification for the State of Utah and it basically dictates some of the places and events you can be asked to interpret for. It also affects how much you can charge for your services.

Last year (actually almost a year and a half ago) she passed her level 1 certification while she was still in the middle of her 2 year training program at SLCC. Very few people ever do this. Now, as she is signing up for the classes at UVU this semester to help her prepare for the Level 2 certification, she decides to take the test for it now. This is common practice because most people take the five part test and pass a couple of the parts and then go back, study up on their weak areas and take those again. I don't know everyone, but all the interpreter people that I have ever talked to say they have never heard of anyone passing the Level 2 certification test on the first try (all 5 parts). Nicole didn't even know it was possible, but she did it. All five parts on her first try.

Way to go Nicole..... She deserves a big hi-five and super shout out. I apologize ahead of time for embarrassing her (she will not be happy with me for a few weeks now and make me promise to never do this again) but I deserve a little bragging rights don't I?????? After all she should be happy that I have a chance to congratulate her in this life right.... (cancer card). That is a little inside joke with my family.

Lots of updates....

2009-01-31T22:28:00.006-07:00

I am going to split up the updates. I have a little bit of everything. More problems with my health, bragging rights for my Nicole, and lots of feelings of hope and despair all in a couple of days. So hang on if you like this. I think I will separate them so you can choose to to read them or not based on what you read my blog for.

Health first:

This one will be about my health. Just when things were doing okay and I had a few good weeks too..... bummer. I decided that I was really glad I had all the visitor's when I did because it is going to be a while I think before I am going to be in the visitors mode due to some new developments and schedule changes. First the chemo keeps getting postponed (we are into several weeks delay already and now Monday may be a delay again). It all depends on what Dr. Te wants to do about my drain. We ended up in the E.R. again tonight because my drain wasn't working any more and we called the Dr. on call and he told us to go to the hospital and have it cleaned out. As most of you know (if you followed the early blog) I have a drain tube coming from the lung cavity area on the left side of my chest. We drain the fluid that has been being generated by the cancer into some pressurized bottles and it saves us from having to go to the hospital every couple of days to have it drained. It has been a tremendous blessing to have it as an option and now we are finding out it is really new technology. No one at the ER has any experience with it and they don't stock any parts or anything for it (that the ER people could get their hands on tonight. The doctor (she really tried hard) said as she learned more and more about it, said she was actually amazed that it had worked this well this long...... great news. But it stopped working properly last night. We tried it again this morning and same results. Thus the doctor told us to go to E.R. again. I guess since I really enjoy going to that place so much, I delayed it as long as possible.

We finally went over and signed in at about 4:00 pm. It was the first time that we went into the ER and they didn't rush me right into a room because I looked so bad walking in the door. To sum it up, after much effort on the nurses (and doctors) part they were not able to make the tube that is in my chest work and get cleaned off. We assume that it has gathered a lot of protein "stuff" around the tube inside and has blocked it off. We can get stuff in through the tube but something blocks it from coming out. Weird eh? As we all learned a little more about this tube and drain bottle system we also found out that the company did everything to make sure you had to get all the parts and pieces from them. Apparently it is so new that most of the doctors and nurses there have never seen it or dealt with it, and they don't have all the things they need in the E.R. to deal with problems like we bring them. So now I have wait till Monday for Dr. Te to schedule another operation to replace the tube. Which will probably mean that Chemo could be moved back again (It currently is scheduled for Wed.) Also the surgery on my throat is for sure going to need an update (or follow up tweak). It is almost gone again (my voice) but I am pretty sure it can be fixed better with a little more stuff. Man this week has really taken some interesting twists and turns. (Note: Total time in E.R. to find out I get to come back on Monday?? Only 6 total hours tonight)

Well that is the medical update....... Next I will do the kids update. (Some of you might not want to read on so please do if so only if you choose.

Oh, one funny side note I have to add about my best friend Tim Park.... I told my wife that after the comments I made on the blog about him, the first thing he would say when he say me next (but maybe not in this order) "ARV...." (that is my nickname from him) ..."YOU PICKER"...... and then he would say "I'M GONNA KICK YOUR BUTT". And just to let you know that our friendship is still secure, those were the exact words he used when he stopped back on his way home from Vegas. I told my wife that was what he would say and she laughed so hard she had to stop doing whatever it was she was doing. Tim (or Roy which is our nickname for him) is so predictable..... I mean consistent....ya consistent.....lol. Those of you that know Tim at all, are probably laughing pretty good and nodding your head and saying.... yep...... that's Tim. And now he is really going to "kick my butt"

Thoughts on the day

2009-01-30T09:42:00.003-07:00

Since I have been "sidelined" for a week with an infection, I was forced to think about "things" again. It is hard to be positive all the time and certain events make you realize that reality must be addressed eventually. It is just the opposite of a newly wed and honeymoon. People always joke about it and say when the honeymoon is over, and reality hits them..... Well you can choose to live in a world where you choose not to address reality but those choices eventually don't work and you have to face reality when the "honeymoon" is over. These things include funeral situations and things like caskets and where and when, burial plots, obituaries, etc.

You know a lot of people do it early and call it being proactive. In fact Julie's parents set a great example for us and have paid for and planned all those events for both of them because they are very practical and he wants to be sure that none of the kids are left with the expenses involved with their funerals and plots. This is looked at positively so even though I feel that I have been granted an extension in life, I also feel that I should take a lesson from that example. So we did take some time to address some of those issues and when my folks came down we resolved a couple of them. I now have a place reserved with my family for burial and some other things started. While this is good, it also takes a toll on you when you know your time is narrowed closer to a known time frame. Everyone always mentions "we all are going to go, we just don't know when and that is actually true for me too. So it is no different really, but for some reason, I find myself being affected by it anyway.

This happened a few days ago when I was having a repeat of Sunday's episode of short breath and pain in my chest. I was glad we had a scheduled appointment with Dr. Te the next day and so far every follow-up test that he has requested to verify if anything has changed has come back negative. So it looks like it more of "pain management" issue than anything new or that we missed except for the infection. Now that would have been very bad in itself, so I am glad that the Lord put the roadblocks on place and I feel the breath and pain episodes that made me go to the E.R. were also his way of ensuring that I did not have a load of chemo that kills the antibodies put into my system when I needed all the antibodies i can get to fight the infection. Not Smart. So I believe the Lord was watching over me again (in spite of myself and my weaknesses).

Anyway when I had my little moment of depression as I moved into (what I now call) my funeral mode, I got inspired by my good friend Sharon again and she made a great suggestion. She first gave me permission to finish my depression and then (I hope she won't mind) she gave me the following directive. She is a real task master anyway, but I wanted to share it with you because I think it is well spoken...

(quote from her email)
So tomorrow I want you to experience 5 moments...moments that you wish you could capture forever and are grateful that you were given the chance to experience them. Perhaps it will be your daughter's giggle, the sunrise, the taste of the best malt in the world (Iceberg's chocolate banana). Then I want to hear what the are tomorrow night!

It worked very well as I decided I was going to do it. I focused on positive things and had a much better day. So since it worked so well for me and I thought it was a good idea for everybody to try (you can start with less than 5 if that is too much). It can have a a positive effect on anyone and that is what I am trying to achieve. Maintain a positive attitude as much as I can. So far I think I have done pretty well, but I do have some moments.

One more visitor

2009-01-29T21:27:00.003-07:00

I had one more very special friend stop in this week. Actually it was a scheduled visit, and Tim is more than a special friend. He has been one of my best friends since High School. He stopped by and we had a great visit. Tim has been helping us prepare for this day for many years. I am so grateful for the help he has given and the support he has given to Julie too to ensure she felt she would be comfortable after I am gone. It is nice to know that he guided us and helped us with good choices because he truly cares about us and if you know Tim you know that is true. He is the most sincere and honest person I have ever known (even if he is always late for every appointment). We love you Tim. I think he really just wanted to get his picture on the blog because he wouldn't leave till we had taken his picture with me and Julie. So please be aware that Tim came over and I love him like a brother. He is an eternal friend that I will always respect and love him. I think Tim will even be late getting to meet me in heaven some day if we set up an appointment....lol.

Anyway I felt like he deserved to have his picture on the blog. So here it is. He deserves it.

Change in chemo schedule

2009-01-29T06:15:00.004-07:00

Well I have been lucky till now, but it was probably bound to happen. Dr. Te always schedules a checkup with blood test and everything the day before a scheduled chemo treatment. We now have a first - hand experience of why he does this. C0mbining the results of the tests they did in the ER last Sunday and the results of the lab tests from yesterday we were able to avoid a situation that could have been pretty serious. It turns out that I have developed a urinary infection that should be able to be resolved soon. Until it is, since chemo pretty much kills the anti-bodies in my body that fight these infections, it isn't very smart to start the chemo treatment until after we get rid of the infection.

So although I am not real pleased with the delay, I am glad that processes are in place that ensure my best chances of surviving this course of action (chemo), and in fact I should be (and I am) grateful to the Lord for the fact that the course of events this past week led everyone to be alerted to a potentially dangerous circumstance and take the right course of action.

So I don't know for sure when it will be but as of right now, they have me scheduled for (now Wed) so let's hope I am better by then.

Shout out to my Uncle John making it back safe on his long trip. Hope we can find time to get the scoop from you.

Early morning thought time

2009-01-27T05:37:00.004-07:00

Waiting to drive Justin to school this morning, and feeling so much better as the patch brings the pain back under control yesterday, I thought about how I often get caught in the "I need you now Lord ... oh never mind it is ok" syndrome. For the past three months I (my wife) has been changing my fentanyl patch every three days to help mitigate my pain. At first I was extremely aware of and grateful for the relief it provided me and I was well aware of how important it was to follow the rules and change it. This is a lot like when we are in need of the Lord's help and blessings for the times when things go bad and we are sad or hurt or depressed or scared. We pray hard and he is there. Then he blesses us and gives us what "He" knows to be the best for us (not always what we think is the best for us or what we ask for). Most people then begin to slowly forget (gratitude and to continue to pray). We begin to see things as resolving themselves or fixed because of something we do or we just plain don't acknowledge his hand in our lives the way we did before (sometimes it happens in days and weeks). As we forget to acknowledge his hand, he patiently watches as we distance ourselves from his loving care and soon we find ourselves truly on our own. At this point in the analogy I enjoyed my new found strength and ability to do external things (like go places and party) so much, I began to forget what exactly was providing that for me. In this case it was the fentanyl patch that quietly provided my pain relief in the "back" ground (that is where the patch is... on my back..... get it....never mind) and as I was caught up in the good times I neglected to pay attention to it like I should. After 2 days more than I should have changed it, it was basically doing nothing for me and I awoke Sunday morning with a bad morning experience I shared earlier.

It still did not strike me as to the real problem until I returned to the source of my original help (the infamous ER room). Again this is like us not recognizing the source of our help from the Lord right away either. When things get bad enough, we fall on our knees and say Lord help me I am falling..... oh never mind I am caught on the nail....(for those of you familiar with the story). Then finally at the ER room, the pieces start to come back into focus. We call home and have Justin check on the calendar and see when we changed the patch last. Sure enough two days over due. I am caught back into awareness of my faults and weaknesses and find myself fully aware of my dependence on the Lord and in this case my Fentanyl patch. Update: patch was administered in the hospital and one day later the pain is gone again and I am just like I was before (except hopefully a little smarter and a lot more humbled .... again....).

What is it going to take?????

MRI today too

2009-01-26T22:56:00.002-07:00

Went in for an MRI today as well. Should have results tomorrow. Will know if the cancer that they found on my brain is stopped as well...... Hope so.

Looks like I will be going back in for an update sometime

2009-01-26T22:49:00.002-07:00

As the days go on, it sounds like my voice is deteriorating a little and I think I will be heading back in for a tune up. But it was not too bad. The toughest part will be to schedule it around my chemo again. Just thought I would let you know. The voice was good for a few days, but it seems to be slipping back a little.

Sunday morning changes

2009-01-25T18:56:00.005-07:00

Well shortly after I finished writing this morning things took a turn down south. When I woke up I had a real bad back ache and actually noticed I was having a difficult time breathing. I tried the hot pad and some Ibuprophen thinking that it was just a minor thing. It wasn't and got worse. By the time I woke Julie at 8:00 I realized that I had some serious back pain and breathing was very tough. The thought of going back to the E.R. was so unpleasant that I wanted to just try and ignore it, but my wonderfully inspired wife defended the decision to go over anyway. By the time we got to the hospital, I was a wreck. They took me right back and started running tests. The doctor was concerned about the blood clot possibility since we had just gone 6 days without the coumadin and he was also concerned about the possibility of pnemonia. So we did everything including a cat scan. All of these eventually came back negative and we were glad to get a clearance to go home.

But in the process, we figured something out. I had been enjoying the visit from my family so much, I let a regular procedure (that we have been doing for months now) slip. My fentanyl patch was two days over due for it's changing which basically meant that it was doing nothing for my pain. I guess I had become too used to the relief it has been bringing me and when it stopped working, I didn't put that symptom into it's perspective. Also, I had sat in a different chair all day yesterday and I think my back just couldn't adjust that quickly or something. All combined, I ended up needing to verify that this close to the throat surgery, it was best to let them (the doctors) do their jobs and determine that there was really nothing wrong that needed attention at this point.

Not what I thought I would be doing this morning and we just barely got back to take pictures and send my sister and family on their way back to Salt Lake. So thanks to Judy and Matthew and their family for answering my prayers, coming down to visit, and bringing Stacie. It was another marvelous "non-chemo" weekend. Absolutely wonderful on the party meter it ranked right up there near the top.

Stacie, Julie, Baldy, Judy, Mattew. Loving em all.

All the kids went swimming at the SHAC too.

Thanks everyone.

Sunday morning thoughts....again

2009-01-25T04:28:00.003-07:00

It is early Sunday morning again and I love to have time to myself to think and contemplate the wonderfulness of life. And since I have been given a second chance on life, I think about it a lot. This past weekend has been full of life and my sister and her family (as well as my niece Stacie) have brought new life to me again. Not just by coming and visiting me, but by the spirit of love and peace and hope that they bring with them. I never knew how much you can feel it if you are in tune. They came down and we played games (I love a party) and we had a great visit. But through it all, I felt an overpowering feeling of love and concern for both me and my wife and I have always just thought of them (Stacie included) as one of my relatives that I was certain were praying for me. Instead I believe that Heavenly Father has sent angels (I have a lot of them on both sides helping me) to teach me and prepare me as well as help Julie and I through some pretty tough times. My family has been there for me through all this. My parents came down earlier for my surgery as well. The tiny miracles that have been granted me lately (Judy taught me to call them seagulls too) are too many to consider as coincidences.

(Our usual is Golden Corral, but to be different, they decided to try Chuck a Rama instead.)

There were a lot of lessons that I have been taught this week. One is that my parents love me unconditionally and my dad has sometimes has a hard time showing it, but I know that he does and he tries to show it in his own way and this week he did better than ever. Mom is just mom and she has never had a hard time showing her love. I guess my challenge has been to show it back. I was so grateful to have them here. Another lesson I learned is that a lot people's efforts to help me in the past (and now) were not just efforts to help, the were directed, inspired, responses to promptings from the Holy Ghost and often direct answers to prayers. I also learned that I am still weak in my communications with my Heavenly Father. I find myself falling into that trap again where we call upon the Lord when we are in trouble and desperate for his help, and then when things start going better we tend to forget to express our gratitude the way we should. It isn't that I am not grateful, I simply forget to express it as often as I should. That will be my goal this week as I get ready for another chemo treatment. I want the Lord to know that I am grateful and not just waiting for the next crisis to get on my knees and say "Help me now Lord, I am in pain". My soul is overcome now with shame for my lack of consistency, but again the beauty is I keep being given second chances. I will not miss out on them.

I also wanted to thank my home teacher for doing his job admirably. I called at the last minute and he ran right over and did exactly what I wanted him too. He is a fountain of knowledge concerning the history of St. George and I love to hear the stories. So since Stacie is a history major and Judy and her family seemed interested I asked him to come over and share some stories. He came right over and did a great job. Entertained us for over an hour and I was loving it. Thanks Bro. Jennings. Demonstrated how to do home teaching right. You can report a good visit this month (along with the others).
....more thoughts and pictures later.....

We always make time for games.......

The kids went for a quick hike before they went swimming
(can you see them just above the neighbor's roof)

Pictures

2009-01-22T22:18:00.004-07:00

Here we go.......

I had fun getting the doctors and nurses to pose with Katie's little dog, but really it was great to get this over with and be successful.

Nurse that "prep"ed me with the IV.

Signed more forms but they say it is important.

Doctor Gardner that gave me my voice back.
Thanks so much doctor.....

Mom checking in after the surgery. Note...... laptop was there too to keep you updated...lol.

UMMM Hospital food......no problem eating after either.

Katie coming to rescue her doggie......He helped me get through it all.

Hope you enjoyed the visit and it worked as some of you have heard.

Continued update

2009-01-22T06:08:00.003-07:00

It is now 6:00 am the day after surgery. My blood sugar count shot sky high after surgery (not sure why) but with insulin every couple of hours we got it back down through the night. All the other vital signs seemed to be good and I think they will run the blood thinning test first thing to check that this morning and if all goes well, I should be able to go home fairly quickly. For those of you that have checked out of a hospital, you know I am saying that with the old proverbial "tongue-in-cheek". I did actually get a couple of hours sleep in between test and pokes and walks last night so I am feeling fairly good this morning. I am sure when I get home, I will be pretty tired and need a good nap today, but I am so pleased with the way things went. The nurses were great again (trying to get their picture too this morning, but Katie took her stuffed animal doggie home when they came to visit so it will have to just be the nurses if I can get them to come in for a picture).

It appears to have been successful as could be at this point, and they will monitor it for a while and see if they got the right amount of injection (meaning that they pushed it over far enough) and if they did, I will have my voice back for a while. They warned this may not fix everything permanently, but it will be great as long as it does. I ate dinner last night and didn't even choke once or feel like the water was going to go down the wrong place at all. So that part seems to have been fixed with the voice as predicted. Time will tell I guess.

More updates later (with pictures for Gary B. .... he said he just reads the blogs for the pictures.....lol .... but I think he was referring to his kids blogs and pictures of his grandkids)

I have a voice!!!!!!!

2009-01-21T17:10:00.003-07:00

The doctor just came in and we tested counting to 10 for the first time and I can talk. It sounds great but I am supposed to not talk for a day or so to keep the stuff they injected leaking back up, but folks...... the prayers worked and I heard my voice again....... Woo hoo it worked......

Yippeeeeee,

I am so excited......

Surgery complete

2009-01-21T16:27:00.002-07:00

So here I am sitting in my hospital bed after surgery. Doing great. As promised, it was a quick procedure, but the person ahead of me this morning had complications so I didn't get started till after noon even though I checked in at 9:30. I just laid in the prep bed for a couple of hours. When they finally got me in there they put the gas on me it went really quick. The next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room, and I thought they had not finished so I kind of freaked a little. It was weird coming out of the anesthetics. But after a couple of minutes I oriented myself and from then on it was gravy. I recovered there quickly and I was wheeled down to my room for the night just a little after 3:00. It is now 4:30 and I have had 2 cups of broth, 2 cups of red jello and a popsicle. I feel great and wish I could try talking but the doctor doesn't want me to talk for 24 hours so I have to write on a clip board to the nurses and everyone unless Julie is here and she can interpret my (really bad) sign language. I can do a lot better than writing so, I sign, Julie laughs at my signing and then tells the nurses what I want or need. It sort of works.

We accidentally ended up with one of Katie's little stuffed animals in my blanket when I got here so we decided to take pictures for her with the little dog. It will be fun for her to know that her dog went with me to the hospital and we have pictures to prove it. It will be fun for her and you all will probably get a good laugh at me as well taking pictures in the hospital and getting all the doctors to pose with me and a stuffed animal. As soon as I can get them downloaded, I will post them.

So I am supposed to be in here overnight and the way things are going, I see no reason that they won't release me first thing. So I will update as it goes along.

Parents know best

2009-01-20T23:00:00.002-07:00

My folks drove down from Salt Lake to be here and we just had a great day today and I was sad it had to end, but I probably need to get some sleep for the procedure tomorrow. This procedure really isn't a huge deal (I have to convince myself too) but I appreciate everyone's prayers and all. We spent the afternoon playing card games and then they came back over tonight and we played some more with the kids. Justin actually won "for the first time in his life"....lol. Then mom and I talked for hours which was a small miracle in itself. Between her health and mine, I was surprised when I saw the time and realized what we accomplished. Sad it had to end but so grateful for the time we could share. Dad just fell asleep sitting upright on the couch but that was good for him too.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone again for the support and the prayers and God willing I will be "talking" to you all soon.

Surgery scheduled

2009-01-20T15:02:00.002-07:00

Just got the word. Surgery is scheduled for 9:30 am tomorrow morning. I will stay in the hospital over night and should be back the next morning if all goes well. Thanks to my mom and dad who drove down again from Salt Lake yesterday to be with me and thanks to everyone for their prayers. I also just heard from Dr. Barton and he said the "echo" looked ok and cleared the way on everything else.... so away we go. If all goes well this will be a quick fix and I won't choke any more and possibly be able to talk again. That will be great to talk again for the first time after 6 months.

As I go into this surgery, I have to admit that I have thought long and hard about the past few months and how my life has changed. Many have made mention of the fact that they are impressed with my attitude. I have also told many of you that have come to visit that I never imagined I would react this way to this kind of news (of having cancer). No it has not been easy. Yes, I have had hard times when I felt I could not go on (especially that first chemo treatment), but through it all, my testimony of my Savior, and now my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, has given me the strength and ability to endure through these hard times and made it possible for me to have the attitude that you all say I have. Really though, it doesn't change anything if you become bitter other than make you more miserable. And I would prefer to not be miserable. Also, my angel wife has been there every step of the way which has helped me in so many ways, but especially in my attitude (well I almost think what she has done for me physically is even greater). I will never be able to repay her for what she has done but I will just try and love her like she deserves.

So to all of you who read this blog for the feelings I might let slip through, there are a few... ( I had someone joke that they just look at my blog for the pictures.....I liked that one... it made me laugh). As for those that are just after the update, I put it first. For every one else, please accept my testimony and I am announcing that my new (sort of long range) goal is to be in Salt Lake at my sister Holly's home coming from their Mission Presidency (hope that doesn't make them "trunky". My new (short range goal) is to come up to Salt Lake in February for a huge get together with my family and friends. So you can tell I haven't given up at all. I am still fighting this thing and if it be God's will, I will endure a while longer. If it isn't his will then I will accept whatever he wants me to do. In the meantime I am just so grateful for my second chances with my family. I thank him daily for that.

Pictures as promised

2009-01-18T14:32:00.005-07:00

I love visitors on my "good" weeks.....

As promised a few more pictures of my visitors and then I get to brag about my son. First thanks so much to Lee and Sharon Westover who dropped in at the same time as I was visiting with another good friend from High School.

We all had a very good visit and I am really going to rely on Sharon and her experience in caring for cancer patients. I know the Lord has prepared her as she has been able to help several families in related situations. Now, you could say it was "coincidence" that we happened to have our kids set us up on facebook and then we happened to find each other and then she happened to have first hand experience in supporting and caring for friends with cancer. You could say that if you wanted and hadn't read my last blog entry, but you won't find me saying it. Thank you Lord for sending my friends to me when I need them.

And I need to apologize to Brian. I thought I had told him about this whole thing (after all he is my car insurance guy) but when he called yesterday to say he was down in St. George and wondered if I wanted to go golfing, I realized I was going to have to apologize a lot. So again Brian, I apologize. I felt bad when I told him and kind of ruined his weekend but thanks for coming over to visit (even if we couldn't get out golfing - Lee or Gary will fill in for me I'm sure).

JUSTIN:
Now about my son........ he is so good. From the picture you can see he is first chair in the cello. While that is neat at first glance, you need to understand, he is in 9th grade and this is the "All County Honors orchestra" performance. He also plays with the High School orchestra and is first chair there too. I was so happy to be there last night and that the Lord gave me the strength to stay for the whole thing. I just love hearing him play and he is such a cool kid.

Thanks Justin for the great night of music. I am truly, truly blessed to have a second chance and make up for all the performances and things I missed last year when I was in Rapid City away from my family. You never realize how much it means until it is taken away (as they say) and I was able to have a second chance. Not many people do.

I made it to the very end and even got a picture after with me and my boys....... yahoo. Now it is back to bed and recover....lol.

Tender Mercies - Tiny Miracles

2009-01-18T03:49:00.003-07:00

More friends come to visit.... picture proof in a few minutes. Thanks to all the friends that have accepted the challenge of squeezing in a visit while I am feeling good. It helps to have my "good chemo week" be extended. It has been a very satisfying couple of days (golf helps a lot....lol i just wish I had been able to actually swing the club....). This morning, I have been lying awake contemplating some of the discussions I had with my dear friend Dan and his family. His wife Susan related a neat story of a miracle that happened to a friend of hers (and chemo), and again when the conversation contains that much spiritual feeling, it is easy to be touched and affected by it. But then as we were talking some more, we decided that there is another aspect to God's love that is often overlooked (I find myself included in this mistake). Some people call them "tiny miracles" or some of the brethren in conference have also referred to them as "tender mercies". These experiences very often are discounted or discarded as coincidence or "just happened" type scenarios. But as I live longer (day by day is starting to feel more week by week for me now) and I am re-focused on things that matter, I have become acutely aware that those coincidences, very rarely are that (coincidences).

The problem with most of our lives is that by the time we have a chance to recognize something like a tiny miracle that may have happened to us, the unimportant things (that is just what I will call them now) in our lives take over and we aren't able to really recognize it for what it was or is. Also (like my dear friend Sharon said in her visit yesterday) often we have to wait till we get around the next corner before we are able to look back and comprehend (even a little) what the importance of the experience was to us in the first place. As I thought about the events of the past few days and took some time this morning to review some of the things that I experienced, I realized how many of the day to day events had actually been a tiny miracle that we all just accept as part of daily living.

In a way this is what happens to us in listening to the spirit as well. So often the spirit tries to guide us and give us direction, but we are so bombarded with "life" in general and with "lesser important" aspects of living that we start to not recognize the spirit when it does try and help us. At these times we miss out on great learning or growing opportunities or we sometimes even make mistakes that we wouldn't have to make at all. But as my dad was famous for saying "Jim.... did you learn anything from that?" ...... and I realize once again it was an experience I learned from so it wasn't a waste at all. Don't you just love finding out how smart your parents really were. If only we knew. Now if only my kids would think that about their dad too.....lol.

Ok random thoughts for my "4:00 am - can't sleep cause I got too much on my mind - time frame of a Sunday morning......."

Pictures will follow as soon as I download them. I will also tell about Justin's "all - county" orchestra concert last night. Thanks to my oxygen tank and a nice little pain pill, I was able to sit through the entire concert and watch my talented kid perform. I am excited to tell you about that. So stay tuned.....and thanks for listening this morning......

Tee time 3:00 today????

2009-01-16T20:27:00.009-07:00

Dixie Red Hills Course was beautiful and warm... wish I had been there......

Is it true????

This sure beats the snow and the buffalo in Rapid City. Thanks for taking me Gary.........

I had some people ask about the buffalo so I figured I would add it here. When I went to Rapid City (a year ago last Nov) the Finance Director there invited me and my boss to dinner. He has some buffalo and so we took this picture to let everyone in St. George know what they were missing out on up there. That is the story .....

And that is the picture......

Yippee .....more visitors

2009-01-16T19:46:00.006-07:00

The Furners......

Today was very very special. This morning, one of my life long, very very special friends brought his family over and we had a tremendous visit. I found that Dan and his beautiful wife Susan (she hasn't changed a bit) have raised some wonderful kids who were very interested in our spiritual discussion as well as pretended to be interested in my "ramblings on" about myself (and those who know me, know that is my favorite subject). I really think his kids are great and I am so glad I got to know them (at least the 3 he brought). Libby, Catie, and now I will forever be mad at his boy (Sam) because he let me play with his I-phone and I want one bad....... Dan why did you tell him to go get it......lol.....now I am focused on figuring out how to get one. I think I will set up a fund at Zions bank that people can contribute to to help with my obsession..... I mean my medical stuff.... I mean.... well.... i will let you know what I work out. (Sorry if I didn't get the kid's names right)

I sure do appreciate Dan's friendship. We grew up together since I moved to Murray in the 6th grade. He was the best friend anyone could ever have asked for. He lived across the street but was a year younger in school. That never stopped us from developing a lifelong bond and even now I feel a closeness with him that I know will last way beyond this life. And his sweet wife is just as special. I know that the Lord will bless them because they are trying so hard to do hiswill as well. And thanks Susan for the uplifting story as well. They got us some lunch and his boy is a man after my own heart and jumped all over my suggestion of Cafe Rio. We sat out back in the beautiful St. George sunshine (about 55 degrees today) and had a great visit outdoors as well. I love it here in St. George (as I have mentioned) and this reminded me of at least one more reason why I am glad the Lord knows the bigger picture, didn't sell our house, and am happy to submit my will to his.

Anyway Dan and I have many many great memories of our childhood. In fact his wife referred to the stories she has heard of our childhood, as "our version of Camelot" and indeed looking back there were times where we had our Lancelots and Guniveres, our knights and tons of lovely maidens...... So the question I pose to you all that were there...... Who was King Aurthur?

Anyway thanks for fantastic visit. I sure love you guys too and I appreciated the visit more than I can express......

My day of independance

2009-01-15T21:53:00.006-07:00

Ok, so...... today was a test and I passed with flying colors. Julie found out that her best friend (Angel Teresa) who saved her several times through this ordeal of mine, needs a return favor in Salt Lake. Teresa's father-in-law passed away and Teresa needs some help this time in return. We tried to figure out how to send the help virtually, but we couldn't see how without driving to Salt Lake. If you read my blog all the way through, you remember the last time I told Julie I would be fine if she went to Salt Lake (she needed to get away for a few days) I didn't do very well. In fact I bawled like a baby, called her cell phone, and made her come back a day early. So I knew I couldn't do that again if I was going to let her go again.

So today was a test. Dr. Barton's office called yesterday and said he wanted to get an echo-cardiagram done and they had scheduled it for 7:00 this morning. I decided I would use this as a test to see if I could be independant enough to convince myself she could leave for a couple of days. I called the hospital registration yesterday afternoon (myself), whispered through the registration (myself), got up at 5:30 am (myself), got dressed (yes myself and my levis... not pajamas), drove Justin to school (you guessed it), got to the hospital, checked in, had the test, drove home and got back in bed (myself) after we got Katie off to school and I finished rocking and reading. (This is not a hamburger commercial I promise).

So based on that, I feel like I am ready to try it again. Also if there is any need, my good friends from Salt Lake will be here this weekend and have agreed to back me up if needed. Plus I always can have Josh and Justin. But this past week has shown me that I can do a lot more than I could have done just a few weeks ago. At this time, I feel good and Julie is going to go help her friend in return.

No results from the tests yet, but the technician thought everything was good.

Rocking chair

2009-01-15T08:46:00.003-07:00

Katie is off to school, I rocked in the chair till the sun came up. Read my scriptures and had a wonderful experience of warmth as I did. Life is good (even better at 8:00 than 4:00 am) and I know that I am loved. Just think of it though, if you are reading this then at least one person loves you too.........

I love you all.

Early morning thoughts

2009-01-15T04:15:00.000-07:00

As I am sitting in my work chair this morning (4:00 am is too early for the rocking chair / sun experience), I am given a chance to reflect again on the wisdom and blessings of Heavenly Father in my life. We are working on the financial aspect of this situation and I am trying hard again to trust in the Lord on all things. When it appears as if the doors are closed to us and we begin to question the Lord, a different door opens and I am humbled again at my weakness in my ability to trust in him to take care of me. I have faith, but it is weak at times. Sometimes I am just plain weak in all aspects of my life.

I try and remember how bad I felt when I realized my lack of trust in the Lord as the doctor in Rapid City gave me the options for chemo treatment locations. He said that since my cancer was inoperable and uncurable I could basically get the treatment in Rapid if I wanted but to be "with family" and I had family in Salt Lake, I could get the treatment at the Huntsman Cancer institute. Or (and I remember well the strong witness I felt) I could go "home" to St. George and they had a fine facility there. When he said the words "home to St. George" I felt a small prick of the heart (maybe it was just a little bit in the lungs too....lol) as I realized how Julie and I had been frustrated and tried to counsel the Lord and explain to him that for almost a year we had done everything he had asked us to and yet we had no luck or help in selling our house. But all of a sudden I realized that because of his "bigger picture" ability I had a "home" (not just a house) to go to and it has been one of the greatest blessings in my recovery. Again I feel humbled and I decided I needed to express my feelings because I find myself wavering slightly when it does not seem like it can work out but I need to have faith that the right doors will open.

I do have faith and so instead today I am going to focus on the fact that I have been given one more day and one more chance to show my faith. I am working on it. Don't anyone give up on me. I am weak, but I am not going to give up either. It is going to be a beautiful day no matter what........
I love you all.....

Status update

2009-01-12T16:33:00.004-07:00

Lots of changes and some will mess up plans I was making. On the other hand, it is going to open some opportunities that weren't there before. First the really good news. Dr. Te decided to postpone the chemo treatment this week until after the throat surgery on the 21st. So the good news is that it will give me another week and a half of feeling great. The bad news is that I had several things scheduled around the next good "third week" of chemo and it is all changed. So I now have to go back to the re-schedule mode but I will figure out how to make it work somehow. I am so excited to have another week of feeling good. I enjoyed last week so much. In fact last night after our Sunday dinner with Josh and Kirby, when they sat down to play games, I actually felt good enough to play with them. I have to admit, I was pretty worn out this morning and when we went to IV therapy for the tests, I fell asleep for about a half hour, but it was so worth it.

So as it stands now, the surgery is scheduled on the 21st and the next chemo treatment is scheduled for Thurs. the 29th. Sorry Judy, but let's figure out something. And Russ we may have to work the presentations around just a little bit if we can. I hope we have time.

As for my thoughts on all this. I am being blessed beyond belief and yesterday I was able to sit through all of church and even talked with a lot of people after the meeting. It was wonderful to be able to do it two weeks in a row. I now have set a new goal. I let Julie in on it last night and her reaction was positive so I just have to work hard. My next goal is to get doing well enough in the next month to set up a trip to Salt Lake. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but for me it will be next to amazing and I am determined to do it. So get ready because I know I can do it and I am going to. I will keep you posted. In the meantime, I think that the Lord is giving me a chance to enjoy my family even more than last week. I plan on thinking of lots of good things to do with them this week amd next until my surgery.

I am so blessed sometimes I can't believe it.

More Sunday morning thoughts

2009-01-11T09:27:00.005-07:00

I really enjoyed my rocking chair this morning. When the sun came up through the window today it seemed to be an especially bright color of white instead of yellow. I thought it seemed appropriate for Sunday and made me think about my blessings again. Particularly how lucky I am to have this third week after Chemo when I can enjoy some decent days and feel a little bit normal for a few days. So here is a little recap of some neat highlights.

It has been a marvelous week for me. Several people came and visited. I really enjoyed their visits including Cory and James from my old work. Then Friday when we just all went to lunch after my doctors it brought back a lot of memories (including Marc being too busy to join us....lol... we missed you Marc).

My uncle John (yes he is my uncle and we have always been close since we are the same age.)

stopped by on his way through to Mesa and we had a great chat too. I just love visitors on this third week. I am going to have to start scheduling more of them in advance. I truly do love people and the good spirits they bring here. I hope that in some small way I can lift their spirits like they do mine.

One of my friends from the City's golf course came over on New Year's eve to bring some of his mom's special cake for me. He knew I had cancer but wasn't aware it was lung cancer. We have been trying to get him to quit smoking for years now, and when he realized what I had it caught him a little bit by surprise and really shook him. He said he had been planning on quitting for a New Years' resolution. I told him if he needed any help to just think about what I was going through and it may help him quit. Well apparently it did more than that. When he stopped by this week to pick up his mom's pan, he said it really upset him for days and he couldn't sleep and would wake up in the night (if he ever got to sleep) with someone telling him he had cancer and was going to die and everything. I felt bad about that and I am glad that finally stopped for him but I told him it was one of the best things he could have done for me was to tell me he had no problem with the smoking now. I was ecstatic and I hope it keeps that way for him. I decided that if I can just help him to have a better, longer, happier life that I will feel truly blessed again to be able to use this challenge I have to help others focus on the important things. As my good friend Josh says.... What a blessing.

Katie had won a reward certificate from school for that Pirates Cove pizza place and yesterday mom told her she could take her two twin friends (also partially deaf) with her for lunch. At the last minute I decided there was absolutely no reason that I couldn't go with them so I did. It was so fun to feel somewhat normal. I ordered a salad bar and had some of Julie's breadsticks. They let us sit in this little enclosed area with a table for a small group in a little cove like area and it was just us in there which I really appreciated. So except for the fact that I was in my pajama bottoms, wearing slippers, with an oxygen tank wheeled in front of me, and an oxygen tube in my nose, a hat covering a bald head, and a coat on the whole time (it was a little cold inside), I felt just as normal as everyone else......lol..... Only a few kids stared at me, but it is funny how people don't know how to react to a cancer patient. I almost find it comical sometimes because I used to be one of those who didn't react well so I don't fault them. You don't know whether to look or smile or acknowledge their presence or what. Just a little note to you all. At least for myself I don't mind when someone smiles at me and nods or says hello. But it is amusing when people go out of their way to try and not even look. I assume they are trying not to call attention to the person and that is fine too I guess. Anyway I just saw that a lot yesterday. But bottom line, as for the outing it was tremendously fun. I love getting out and making memories now with my kids.

For breakfast this morning when Katie said the blessing on the food she thanked Heavenly Father for making the cancer get stopped and then she prayed that he would make the cancer go away. I decided I am going to go with her on that one. She has a lot of faith too and I want to hang on her faith for a while. She made french toast and set the table all by herself for us. I just love her. (Here she is with me at the deaf ward).

The rest of the week was full of good phone calls, lots of supportive e-mails and even a chance to reconnect with my cheerleading partner Darcy from High School. Talk about a good week. I sure love you all and I am really appreciating all of you more and more.

I hope you all receive the blessings in store for you in return for all you are doing for me.

Update on surgery

2009-01-09T15:28:00.003-07:00

Doctor Barton seems to think that we are ok to go ahead so we after he talks with Dr. Te and Dr. Gardner we will get the surgery time locked in. Right now it will be some time on the 21st.

After the doctor I went to lunch with the guys from the City IT dept again. IT was just like old times again except Josh didn't tell any good jokes......

I had no idea

2009-01-08T13:53:00.003-07:00

I have heard from a few people that they look forward to anything I write and I don't understand it, but I have been asked to keep sharing my thoughts no matter what I think about them so I will.

I had a follow up to the chair from yesterday. I sat in the same chair as yesterday and had a good thought strike me. Last night I made a change to my physical situation that made it possible for me to rock in the chair instead of just sitting in it. Without going into details I can get up and down now without triggering a massive spasm. So I enjoyed rocking in the chair this morning and I had a thought as the sun came up over the mountain today. Many people are like the chair. They have purpose they are meant to fulfill. We sometimes (for various reasons) don't allow them to achieve their full purpose. It isn't always on purpose (I never tried to "not rock") but when we don't allow people to fulfill their roles or desires to help or comfort us it hurts them too. Lots of people want to "do" things for me (us) and they really could give us lots of comfort and help, but occasionally our (my) pride prevents me from appreciating or allowing them to do all they can do (like rocking). I was so much happier this morning and enjoyed the view more and just basically had a better outlook on life simply because I was able to let the rocking chair fulfill it's true purpose and "rock me". Now the chair did not care one way or another, neither did it change at all from yesterday to today, but people do. I have not allowed some people to fulfill their purpose when they wanted to help or offer comfort and if you felt that from me I apologize. If anyone wants to try again I promise I will try harder next time and let you "fulfill your purpose".......lol.

Can't wait to "rock on" tomorrow........

This one was special for you Brooke (grin)

Voice / Throat surgery update

2009-01-07T19:08:00.002-07:00

It looks like a doctor has no better luck getting another doctor to take new patients than we do. Dr. Gardner's office tried to get me to see an internal specialist but no luck. So instead I am going to see my good friend Dr. Barton who has been my regular doctor since we moved here to St. George almost 5 years ago. I have an appointment with him Friday. He will check me out for being ready and if the doctors agree I will have the surgery on Wed the 21 of this month. With any luck you all may "hear" from me again. Watch out for that......lol..

Thought on a "good chemo" week

2009-01-07T08:01:00.003-07:00

This is the third week after my chemo treatment. I get two weeks to feel different levels of bad and then one week to recover and pretty much "feel better". This has allowed me to think about many things and I have been reflecting, reading, e-mailing, and praying a lot. I was sitting in our rocking chair in the front room after helping Katie get to school and I watched the sun come up through the windows. As it slowly rose over the red cliffs out front, and the bright light hit my eyes I felt like I should have some great thing come to my mind. It didn't. All I could think about is how blessed I am to be here still. I have had visits with my Bishop, lots of e-mail conversations with people and read some of the books people have given me about people who are in similar situations such as "Tuesdays with Morrie" and "The Last Lecture". Through all this, it has helped me to remember that everyone is different, but in one respect everyone is the same. We all leave this world the same way and no one can take more "stuff" with them than anyone else. Just the memories, relationships, love, and learning. So what do I think? When I started thinking about all this Sunday morning, I felt pretty much the same way, but I wanted to know the "end result". I know they say you have to take one day at a time, but it is hard for me not to have a plan or goal. It is hard to not know how long you have left either. I know we all have "limited" time and no one really knows, but in my case, it has been narrowed down a little and brought closer to home. It starts to affect every decision in a different way.

For instance yesterday I saw a laptop on a dealsight. I have been concerned that I might lose access to my laptop and as I helped a friend order one for them, I thought maybe I could talk one of the businesses I help with computer stuff into fronting me the money and taking it out of my monthly checks. Then I realized that I can't even promise them I will be around long enough to pay it off in work performed. I can't even be sure I will be able to work or even be here for 6 months. It affects everything I think about now and it is hard to adjust.

I do know that the visits and e-mails from a lot of you are the only thing that keeps me going sometimes. Other times it is looking up from my chair and having my wife be right here in the room with me. Somehow the Lord knows just what I need, when I need it. It gets hard sometimes and other times it is unbelievably emotional. At those times, I am so lucky to be able to recognize my blessings. I have an amazing family, an absolutely divine wife, great friends who would do anything for me, and a second chance to connect and recall great memories and try and make new ones. The Lord has blessed me greatly and sometimes I feel bad when I get depressed about it. Still I am human and sometimes an ungrateful human being, but I will never again take my life in general for granted, as I almost lost it and know I was preserved for something. I suppose at this point I will just be patient, try and be in tune, and do whatever the Lord wants me to. Starting with my family I intend to try and keep making good memories, connecting, and sharing whatever I can with everyone. Right now as Morrie say it is all about "love". Love or perish as he was fond of saying. I intend to love more than ever. I always have, I just sometimes forget how to show it. I am going to keep working on that.

Thanks to everyone who has worked hard to help and support me these past few days. I really needed you and you were there.

I love you all (even if I forget to tell you)

Sunday morning thoughts

2009-01-04T07:37:00.002-07:00

First let me say that I had another miracle last night. For the first time in months, I was blessed with a decent night's sleep. I used to take that for granted but now (as many other people have expressed) a good night's sleep is something that used to be but a memory and something I wished I could experience once again. Amongst my many prayers for health and blessings I have been praying for, several included that request for a good night's sleep and I am grateful for it like I never thought I would be. To me another small miracle that most take for granted. I have had many share with me directly their similar night time difficulties and I hope that someday the Lord will bless them with some relief. But thank you Lord for mine.

Again friends have brought some wonderful experiences into my life that I never thought I would be a part of and I only want to share a few thoughts about some of them and due to the sacred nature of some experiences I won't go into detail, but I want to share some thoughts that I have this morning because of them. I have been praying a lot to try and find out what the purpose of my being given a second chance here on earth is and what purpose the Lord has for me. I obviously am well aware of my "family" opportunities and if that is the main purpose it is enough for me. To have a chance to experience the past 4 months in the manner that I have with them (family) is something that one special friend from high school I talked with (facebook) yesterday at length would have given anything to have had with his wife before she passed from cancer as well. I learned again how blessed I am to have been given this time.

I hope I help many people learn to refocus back on what is truly important. You often hear people do that little saying "if you were told you had 6 months to live what would you do?". I hope that after reading my words, some are encouraged to think on how they can be more with their family and friends, building memories and strengthening relationships. From someone who has been given (to a degree) that very real life opportunity, I assure the important things I used to focus on before mean little or nothing. As I re-read what I have written here, I realize that this great blessing of time is a miracle that even as I was going through it I didn't realize exactly how valuable it was (many of you did and told me so) but I am now even more grateful as I re-read some of my entries.

I guess this is a new year's reflection time for me and I could just shout out loud, Thank you Lord for allowing me to be here in the new year. I actually did that somewhat in my prayers this morning. So now I am reflecting on what now, and I would be curious to know what others think as well. What would you do? I think I have shared enough personal insight into my life at this point to ask this. What should I do? I know it is a bit off the norm but I am curious if anyone wants to share (either here in the comments or to my e-mail) what your thoughts are. I am not the kind of person that can sit here now and say that is enough (although family is the central focus), I believe that the Lord wants me doing more as well. If anyone gets a chance, I would love to hear your thoughts on any of this.

Again I wanted to express my appreciation to my friends, my parents, Uncle Lou and aunt Emily, and family that joined me on my week of football enjoyment. Again family memories that mean so much. I am trying to make the most of everyday and that week will certainly be memories that we all will take with us I know.

I also thank my Heavenly Father for my time again. After my talk yesterday with Hal G. (thank you again Hal) I realized how important my extra time is and I am so grateful for it. Everyday is a miracle and a blessing that I am so appreciative of. Thanks to each of you for also your prayers that I know have been a good part of the reason I am being blessed so much.

Did I really see it ??????

2009-01-03T00:16:00.004-07:00

UTAH FANS at my PARTY
Utah: 31 Alabama: 17

I am not sure I actually saw it but I did. I am so glad I had someone to watch that amazing miracle with. It would have just been a total shame to see that miracle game by myself. Instead, I had my best friends, parents, relatives, my two boys (and Kirby, but she only likes the band stuff) again at uncle Lou's house and it was everything I could have hoped for. I guess I know how bad the good Lord knew I needed friends and family around me.
It was important. I know this picture is not the best, but it shows you a little of my party.

Voice / Throat surgery update

2009-01-02T10:30:00.002-07:00

The surgery that was scheduled on Jan 7th to fix my throat and voice has been postponed. Apparently no internist in St. George is willing to take new patients and the throat doctor does not want to do the surgery until he is sure everything else is ok. So I am waiting to hear what they want to do next. But it is still going to happen I think. Targeting the end of Jan now.

Almost forgot New Years' Eve update

2009-01-01T21:33:00.003-07:00

I almost forgot to share the other side of my New Year's eve experience. We tried to wake our sleeping kids up for midnight (was never gonna happen) and then just watched the "time square ball" drop. I got out of my chair, walked over to my wife and gave her a totally welcome hug and then one of the sweetest kisses I have ever experienced. Then we started dancing slowly with the T.V. people while they played the traditional "Auld Lang Sine" sp?. I have never ever thought I would experience an emotional New Year's Eve. Usually I am partying hearty, I find my wife, a quick kiss and bang some pans and right back to partying. But last night, I all of a sudden realized that Heavenly Father had allowed me one more second chance. I had set a goal to "live" until 2009 (I realize it is only because God is allowing it) and I had just reached it. Yes, I started bawling like a baby again. I tried to minimize this breakdown to just a few minutes.

Then we stepped out the front door with my UofU blankie wrapped around us and watched the St. George fireworks (we could just see the tops of them over the beautiful red cliffs in front of our house when they went off and it was really fun). Then we went in and went to bed and I prayed another very sincere personal prayer of gratitude after Julie drifted off to sleep.

Party continued

2009-01-01T20:13:00.004-07:00

NEW YEAR'S DAY PARTY TRADITION continues....... 15 years... but this time only one TV instead of 3......lol

Yep I made it all day even till the end of the Rose bowl (maybe that wasn't worth it). There were tons of people and lots of food. After years of doing this, I guess it is just something that I have to do to be happy. Uncle Lou and my Dad got the little smokies and meatballs, mom made a special spinach salad, Aunt Emily through some veggie together and some fruit salads. And I made my famous sausage dip. Lots and lots of candy and left over Christmas junk food. It was great. Some of them played games and one of Uncle Lou's boys, Eric, came over and watched the games with us for a while. Now we are resting up to get ready for Utah's game tomorrow. It might take me all day too...lol..

My good buddy Zane drove all the way down from Logan today to join us.....

The game playing crew....

Uncle Lou who let us crash his place.....

My Dad got worn out just watching.....lol

Me and Josh (he decided to play computer games instead so he just dropped by for a bit)....

You know sometimes you think some things are coincidental, but the way that all the pieces fell into place so that this party came together including the fact the weather cleared up so my parents could come down, was certainly beyond coincidence in my mind.

Party on.....

2009-01-01T15:53:00.004-07:00

Visits from Angels on this side:

I have had quite a few inspirational visits from a lot of really neat people and I greatly appreciate it. One of my good friends from High School, Gary Bolingbroke came down from Cedar a couple of days ago and we talked for hours. We shared a lot of memories but also reinforced each other with stories and discussion of inspiration. It is amazing how you can find positive things in any situation. Thanks for that Gary.

NEW YEAR'S HOPES:

So in a moment of almost desperation, I asked my Uncle Lou if I could maintain my tradition of watching Football on New Year's day with him at his house. He agreed and the wheels went into motion. Next thing I know, my folks decide to drive down, and then a dear friend from way back (Zane W.) decides to drive down from Logan today to join the party too. So I went from total depression to total "fun times" in one day. I think that maybe, it is an attempt to make up for the depressing Christmas time I went through. We are right in the middle of the Rose Bowl and it has been great. I will fill in more details later. The rest of them came over and are playing new games we got for Christmas. More details later, but I wanted to tell everyone that has motivated me to make the effort for this party. The tradition has continued.

More Graitude

2008-12-31T08:02:00.002-07:00

I know that a lot of times when you single out individuals and express gratitude, you run the risk of not mentioning someone that you should. But with a pre-emptive apology to those that may find themselves in that situation (not mentioned here) I do have to express our gratitude to a few individuals because of their focus on my wife. In particular, the women in the Relief Society. They have been incredibly supportive of my wife and like I mentioned before, she does not get the same focus because most of the time the focus is on me. But the RS presidency have been there for her whenever needed. Beyond that, Julie is extrememly blessed (and by extension so am I) to have sweet Marsha as her VT companion. I can not say enough how much we appreciate everything she has done for Julie and our family. Marsha is one of those spiritually gifted and inspired people who just show up when needed everytime. When Julie is struggling with anything, Marsha show up at the door with a plant or a candle or some little "lift me up" gift that is just what she (or even I) need.

In fact I will be wrapped up in my "now famous" UofU blanket Friday night thanks to Marsha's quilt making efforts. The day of the TCU game, she somehow found out about my UofU support need and just went out, made the quilt and delivered it in time for the game. That "blankie" now goes everywhere with me. That was only a start and I wanted to let her know (as well as everyone else that has done those "little" things) how much we appreciated your efforts in a "big" way. She also monitored it very closely to make sure our Christmas was as perfect as could be and she made sure Santa was aware of our needs and fulfilled them.

We have angels on the other side of the veil waiting until we need them, but we have even more angels like Marsha on this side of the veil who aren't waiting to be asked. There are many others like Marsha, and I apologize for not being able to share all the miracles and experiences (on this blog) from you all, but know that we love you for it and I pray that your rewards will come in a way that you recognize the good things that come from your service.

Thank you to everyone for your love prayers and acts of service and kindness.

More out of the closet

2008-12-30T16:30:00.006-07:00

DINNER and A HIKE - GOOD TIMES

Last night we put on something besides my pajama bottoms again which is a real good indication that I went out someplace other than the hospital. My wife even got me some new levis that actually fit too. The whole family (I can't believe how often this is happening lately) went to Golden Corral and it was superb.

I had a great appetite and the food actually tasted great and I had taken the necessary preparatory drugs that allowed me to stay for a good long time and eat well. Really helped make up for the rough week. Thanks to everyone for coming (including Grandma and Grandpa).

Then this morning, everyone decided that the weather was so nice, they wanted to go hiking in Snow Canyon so they did. The whole family again, only we thought it might be a little too tough for me still so I went "in spirit". As beautiful as Snow Canyon is, it isn't hard to imagine me there in spirit, eh?

They had a great time, but when Grandma and Grandpa left to go back to Salt Lake, unfortunately Brittany had to go with them. Sadness in the air........waaa. It was marvelous to have her here.

Late night thinking

2008-12-29T00:48:00.006-07:00

Tonight is a night for re-appreciation. It is sometimes hard to think past the now and appreciate the past in order to make the future the best that it can be (wow...... deep eh?). I have been sitting here for a while (working on computer things while I contemplate) thinking about the blessings in my life. While this has been a little bit of a rough week, I can't let it go on without remembering some basic truths.
1) I am still here with my family.
2) I know that whatever happens is being guided by a higher power that loves me more than I can ever comprehend.
3) I have the most dedicated and loving wife who has stood by me through very difficult times and has promised to be with me forever.
4) I know that even though I have made many mistakes in my life, I have a strong knowledge that I can still have them wiped clean and be able to live with my Father in Heaven again

This Christmas week was not what I thought it would be at all. You always hope that everything is happiness and good times at Christmas and while I knew that that was somewhat unlikely, I was not prepared for the total exhaustion that this round of chemo hit me with. It made it seem like the most "un"-Christmas time I could have imagined. But then a couple of things happened that made me start to re-evaluate the week. I watched my sweet wife experience happiness today, at a higher level than she has been able to for a while. Her best friend (Teresa) and her husband came down again and made everything all better. Then her mom and dad came down from Salt Lake too and we had dinner. I listened to her playing games out in the kitchen (like we used to do every Sunday night) and laugh for hours like there was no worries in her life for a while. No sickly cancer patient husband, no toxic laden (chemo residual) messes to clean up, no special laundry trips for the blankets, no special medicines to get ordered, no bottles to drain the fluid from the lungs, no changing the bandages on all the surgeries, no oxygen tanks to order, no trips back to the hospital for emergencies..... I could go on, but I realized again what an angel the Lord has blessed me with and how un-grateful and selfish I can be.

Please Lord forgive me for my selfishness. Please give her more happiness than she deserves.....

Please help me to be more appreciative of others.

REWIND:

Josh H. brought over the present on Christmas Eve that I mentioned before. It is a beautiful painting that has a very special meaning behind it, but more importantly it is special because of who it comes from. Megan you have become quite an inspiration to me and I want everyone to know that you are. I have only met you formally a couple of times (Josh keeps me informed of how wonderful you are too) but I want to thank you for your gifts and your inspiration. I have the painting hanging on the wall right next to my chair and I look at it all the time. The image of the little girl and the handcart to me probably means something different than others, but I see you in her as well. I see someone who is ready to take on the challenge she has been given, no matter how daunting it may seem. But she is not afraid. She knows she has angels to help her and I also know that too. This may not have been all that your Dad put in the painting, but it is what I have come to see in it and it gives me daily strength. Thank you again for my gift.

Well I am going to try and get back after the positive side of all this in the morning, but while I had so much going on in my mind, I wanted to put it out there.

*******************

Oh ya and Brittany ( my oldest daughter) came down with Grandma and Grandpa and how I have missed her too. It reminds me of the "Night Before Christmas" story as my three girls are all snuggled in Katie's bed with visions of .... something, dancing in their heads. They are all a joy to me. I truly love my family. Hugs and kisses for her. Yippee.

Rough week

2008-12-28T10:59:00.001-07:00

It has been a rough chemo recovery week. I will be back as soon as I can be positive. Sorry....

Christmas update

2008-12-25T23:41:00.006-07:00

Well, it is late Christmas night. Everyone is in bed. Another batch of memories and experiences are tucked away for us to draw on. Although it wasn't quite what I had hoped for, I am so thankful I am here. It was a little rougher through the chemo this time and it made it somewhat difficult to participate, but I did my best and it was still a great Christmas thanks to all the help and support we got from everyone. Since I am sitting in my work / chair reminiscing on the day, and hoping I can get a little more sleep tonight sometime, I will do my best to share some of the wonderful things that people did for us and not focus so much on the other parts of my day (although lots of people keep wanting to know so I will try and be honest about it).

Josh Haycock came over with a wonderful present from he and his wife Megan. I cherish it more than you will know. It was truly inspired and made me cry (in fact I am starting to cry again just thinking of it). It is too special for words and I can't thank you enough.

One of Shawn Guzman's daughters (Shawn is the City attorney here in St. George) remembered Katie from an encounter at the pool a while ago and decided to come visit with her Dad and bring a fun gift for her. It was so neat to think that she would want to do that for her and Katie just fell in love with it. I hope that their friendship can continue (the gift included continued internet interaction) and I think it will. Thanks to Shawn for helping teach kids the value of caring for others and friendships. Just shows you that there is hope for some attorneys I guess.

One major Christmas tradition here is Mom's Christmas Eve soup dinner. She makes several different kinds of soups (most famous for her Print Shop cheese soup) and tons of soft breadsticks for dipping. We get out all the Christmas place settings. It is most memorable and we have been doing it for years. Even though I had been in bed most of the day so far, nothing was going to keep me from my place at the table for this one. I hobbled out and had a taste of the soups and it was delicious. Way to go Julie. Another great Christmas eve dinner. And thanks to Nicole for her help or it may not have happened because Julie actually got called into work earlier in the day.

Santa somehow found his way to our house and in the morning, it was nothing short of awesome. Thanks again to all of Santa's helpers (you know who you are), we had an incredible morning (mostly watching Katie open another present and saying "this is unbelievable" and "I just love it"). The hit of the morning was a stuffed animal hippo that she would not let out of her sight all day. It is her favorite and she is so cute with it. (Good call someone). Just so you know, our Christmas is a very early one. We usually hold the kids back till 6:00 (yes a.m.) and that is as long as we have been able to manage. Our gift opening is usually over by 8:00 and everyone goes off to admire the spoils, enjoy the new games or in the case of the parents, go back to bed. Josh and Kirby actually made the trek over here in the dark at 6:00 so that the tradition could continue (sorry Kirby). I managed to sit out in the chair in the front room for the entire time, but barely felt good enough to open a couple of my presents. I didn't even empty my stocking, but it was fun to watch everyone else. Back in bed by 9:00 as predicted. Spent most of the day there too.

I knew that funds were limited for me so I decided that this year since I had been given a second chance to share memories with my family, that that is what I would do. So I started writing a memory letter to each of the kids and my wife for their presents this year and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. IT has taken me weeks to finish and lots of tears. I had lots of memories and I shared my testimony with each of them, but it seemed like the letters were turning into a farewell and "last will" type thing, and I do not believe we are quite there yet. But it was still the hardest thing I think I have ever done. I was very glad to have a chance to tell each of them how I feel about the gospel and my testimony of the Savior. I have not done that the way that I should have in the past so I am grateful for that "second chance". We told the kids that they could wait and read the letters later if they chose and the older kids (and Julie) probably will wait. (Oops now Brittany knows what she is getting when she comes down with Grandma and Grandpa Sunday.....lol). We are really hoping she can still come down and missed her a lot today.

So overall, I felt truly blessed today (even though this chemo "downer" is a lot harder than the last two). I am blessed because I have my family with me, my knowledge of the Savior at this time of his celebration, and especially the faith that I am doing what the Lord wants me to do and I am happy to accept his will. Nothing more could I ask for than that.

Trying to look happy.....is it working????

Merry Christmas. I hope this helps you appreciate what gifts you received from friends and the Lord in your life too.

City of St. George

2008-12-24T04:31:00.004-07:00

Sometimes when you need to be reminded of all the good people around you and the good in them, it humbles you to the point where you can only try and express appreciation to them any way you can. So this post is to shout out to all the awesome employees at the City of St. George (that I worked with for three years). I had been notified that they were collecting food for us and others but then they went overboard and stopped by yesterday (while I was getting chemo) with some tremendous wrapped gifts for our kids. Although they are a little older (Justin and Katie are 15 and 10), we all remember that age and how important is sometimes to get a gift or two under the tree on Christmas. Well thanks to the great people at the City of St. George, they will have several (lots actually) and we have food for Christmas and some to put away for storage as well.

This is again a difficult thing for a proud person like myself to accept, but I am learning that it is more for others to be able to give, than for me to focus what I can't provide at this point. I know that Christmas brings this out in most people, but it again proves to me that the people at both the City of St. George as well as the people of the City of Rapid City (I greatly appreciated their fundraiser as well which is still paying for some of the expensive medicine I need) are some of the best people on this earth.

I don't know how to express it, but I am grateful and say thank you from all of us in my family to each one of you. Merry Christmas and with acts of kindness like this, Christ is definitely central in our Christmas. God has blessed me with a second chance to make memories, learn humility, and experience amazing insight, and not many get this opportunity.

THANK YOU ALL and MERRY CHRISTMAS

Nicole's B-day party

2008-12-23T21:22:00.004-07:00

Morning presents for Nicole before chemo.

Josh gave a mighty solo rendition of Happy Birthday that rattled the rafters.

Wish I could have gone with them to the pizza place. I might have been able to stop them from getting tatoos and letting Nicole start drinking now that she is legal...lol.

She is 21 now and decided to prove it.......(she turned into a drinkin' lush....pretty sure it isn't alcoholic, but you never know)

Post Chemo....

2008-12-23T20:08:00.003-07:00

So I am sitting in my chair (at home) watching the Jazz game and thought I would share a little of the chemo day with you. We first had presents and sang Happy Birthday to Nicole and then she drove me to the IV therapy room at the old hospital where I get the chemo treatment.

Roz (one of the great nurses there) saved me the really soft chair. My port was already "accessed" from yesterday so she basically started by giving me the pain meds and anti-naseau to help me make it through. Then she started hooking up the bags . Saline bags first and then the first chemo solution. They have to do them one at a time, in order, and give everything time to work so that my body can handle it all right.

Now sit and sit and sit.

I checked in at 9:30 this morning and when Julie finished her work and came to get me at around 3:30 pm I was still about an hour from being finished. They put the last chemo bag (I get 2 different kinds of chemo each time) on the IV tree stand and "let er rip" and Julie climbed on the bed they had next to my chair and slept for a while too. What do I do the whole time? They have a TV I can watch but today I read my book and listened to my christmas music on my MP3 player till the benedryl kicked in and I actually was able to sleep for about 2 1/2 hours real well. It is basically boring when they get it hooked up and running but depending on how the body reacts to the chemo, you have to visit the bathroom often (usually 2 or 3 times for me each time) and if you feel up to it, you try and get whatever food and / or (especially) fluids you can into your body to flush the chemo out.

Now I just go home and wait for either bad times in the next few days or whatever comes. The rest of the family went to a new Pizza restaurant place for Nicole's birthday (some new Pirate place here in St. George) so when they get back I will add pictures. I really wanted to go (and almost did) but I think that would be pushing it too far tonight (and not really smart either).

Church again

2008-12-21T18:36:00.002-07:00

Wow, I am really pushing it now..... I went to church for the first time since the surgery last Oct. Julie sang in a trio and Nicole accompanied on her flute with Justin accompanying on his cello. It was beautiful. They did a great job and I lasted just until they were done singing (halfway through the meeting). Then I went out and sat in the foyer where I could stand up if I needed (I did need several times) and the chairs were much softer. I did real well out there, but by the time I got home, I figured I was done for.... and I was. Slept most of the day and could barely get up to eat dinner. Wow what a weekend. I am so glad cause now I get to get back into the other part of my life now..... test, more tests, chemo, sleep, recover etc.... oh and somewhere in there we are going to squeeze in Christmas and New Years.

Thanks to everyone who helped me out this weekend. It was full of great memories.

More family time before "chemo-ing" it up again....

2008-12-20T23:33:00.006-07:00

My next chemo session is scheduled for Tues so we are trying to take advantage of the good days I am having now. I don't like having it scheduled 2 days before Christmas (and on Nicole's birthday), but I guess you have to do what they tell you sometimes. It could make Christmas a rough time if I hit my rough days early, but I hope there is a delay so I can enjoy some family time on Christmas.

Since we are trying to come out of the "chemo closet" we decided to go to the Tuacahn Nativity trip with the deaf branch tonight. Here in St. George, one of the neatest things is the Tuacahn theater and every year they do a live Nativity program with live animals and everything. It is a great outdoor theater in the heart of a canyon with an amazing "southern utah" red cliffs backdrop. We try and go every year but I did not think I would be going this year. The deaf branch scheduled tonight for an activity and so we decided to give it a try.

I rested all day to get ready and and took my oxygen, bundled up warm and off we went. They have a little train that takes you around the back lot and when the deaf branch went on it, Nicole (she is such a sweetheart as well as a certified interpreter) "signed" the little narration on the train for the deaf people and I got to finally get a picture of her "doing her thing".

Then we went into the theater and enjoyed the Nativity program. It was a little bit hard because the deaf group (they are awesome) sits way in the front (can you say a bazillion stairs) and for Katie, we get to sit with them. Tonight, it wasn't a blessing for me to have to climb all the stairs, and it was kinda cold, (we did dress warm) but it is a good thing to have the "somewhat" reserved seats.

When we got home I hurried and took some pain pills, climbed into my sleeping /chair and turned on the BYU bowl game (sorry Cougs) that we had recorded. As soon as the medication kicked in and I felt recovered, I realized that this might be why I was given a chance to stay here on earth a little longer. Even through the pain, I felt the spirit of the Christmas message and felt strengthened again by the angels on this side of the veil. It was a wonderful experience for us as a family and some great memories were made again. I just never made enough of these memories before. (Really missed Brittany tonight, but you were there in my heart babe.....We really love you and Clint).

I love my family very much and I have never been closer. Thank you God for my second chance. I am going to make the most of it till ..... well as long as I can. I promise you all. It was so neat, I can't sleep now. Oh well, I will just enjoy the spirit as long as I can.

Just for Nicole

2008-12-20T10:25:00.002-07:00

Go BYU tonight. Yes I will be cheering with her for them tonight. I can see no harm in it and she did drive all the way down to be with us so it is the least I could do.......and never let it be said......(some of you know the rest of that......)

Nicole is here.....yippeeeee

2008-12-19T11:05:00.002-07:00

My daughter Nicole finished her finals and drove down from Salt Lake this morning. She just walked in the door and it will be so fun to have her here (she does the dishes a lot for us....lol) and we are going to bake cookies and watch the Santa Clause movies and everything. Yippeeeeeee. I am really excited for Christmas. I am a total Christmas nut and I am so grateful I have been given a chance to spend at least one more (hopefully a lot more) with my family.

I don't know what the future will bring, but the present is doing real good at this point with all things considered. At least I am here and with my family for the holidays. Thanks to prayers from everyone and miracles, I am stil here.....(gotta stop before I start tearing up again).

Now she (Nicole) is out playing christmas music on her flute which she hasn't played for a while and Julie is accompanying her on the piano....... I LOVE Christmas.

So where did my voice go??? Surprise!

2008-12-18T17:13:00.004-07:00

Just got back from the ENT (ear nose and throat) doctor and i still detest having things shoved through my nose and down my throat like scopes with little lights on them. (Just thought I would reassure those that questioned it).

THE GOOD NEWS and BAD NEWS:

The good news is he thinks he knows what caused me to lose my voice. The bad news is that it might require surgery to fix it. The good news is that we are scheduling the surgery after the holidays. The bad news is that because of everything else wrong with me it is more risky and potentially dangerous than most people. The good news, I am used to that anyway.......ok I will get to it now.

THE CAUSE:

He believes that some of the cancer may have killed one side of my vocal chords (or at least the nerve) so it doesn't close completely to touch the other side when I try and talk. It also affects my ability to eat and especially drink liquids (I have noticed this and just learned to live with it and be careful). But even this puts me at risk so they feel that the surgery is justified even though for me it is more risky than most people (since it already is a risk without it).

THE SURGERY:

The surgery will consist of going down my throat and injecting some substance into the right side of the vocal chords to push the side that is dead, closer to the point where the two sides meet so that it touches when it is supposed to. In other words the left side that works right will come in and actually touch the right side because it has been shoved a little closer manually. (make sense?) It actually did to me but I had to have a picture because I have been a manager too long.

THE RISK:

There are actually several concerns, but the biggest one is the medicine (Coumadin) I am taking for my blood thinning due to the clot they found in my left arm the second time I was in the hospital. I am going to have to stop taking that for 5 days so the clot risk returns but it will be done in the hospital where they can monitor that one closely. The problem is that the risks associated with the blood could also come into play in a week or two after as well so I have to be very careful. To be honest there were other risks and they want me to go see an internist first to be sure that all the other factors from all the other surgeries is stabilized enough so if anything is not good we will call it off until it is.

COORDINATION:

On top of that........ we have to try and fit it inbetween chemo treatments so that I can do it when I am on the best "upswing" weeks between the chemo. Fun times.

Any questions just leave me a comment and I will have my secretary get right back to you.

Brothers...

2008-12-17T19:04:00.001-07:00

Almost forgot.....happy birthday to my big brother Kelly and my little brother is now out of my will cause he never told me about his plans for his store..... had to find out from someone else. Too bad Dan, I bet you could have used the $20......lol.

Fun times today

2008-12-17T18:42:00.002-07:00

So we tried it out and it was fun fun fun. Julie and I went to Walmart. Our experience was a little bit different than Megan's (might have been the time of day). It wasn't very crowded and I had a great time racing around in those little electric cars (played "chicken" with several others and I always won.... they were all old fogies) and found all the stuff I wanted to get for Christmas (mostly candy......lol). Then we stopped at Subway and I forgot how good those Subs can be when you have been eating in a lot (not that Julie hasn't been feeding me good).

Stopped at City Hall to get a paper notarized and ended up seeing lots of people so it took longer than anticipated. Made one other stop to get some presents and when i finally got home, I was tired but oh so happy. Back to back days out for fun and a date with my wife today. I fell asleep in less than 5 minutes but smiling from ear to ear.

Good times. Anxious to see where I can dream up tomorrow..... maybe we will drive to Vegas and drop some serious change........

Coming out of the "chemo" hibernation.....

2008-12-17T06:04:00.003-07:00

Julie and I have decided that we are going to take the recommendation of several of the doctors we have seen and change our attitude towards "isolation". Also in talking with Josh H. a little about his wife again (I really appreciate her inspiration to me) that I need to get out a little more from now on. Up till now, we have been very careful (and without knowing how I would handle chemo, it was the right thing to do) and I have not gone out in public hardly at all. I haven't even gone to church.

But we are going to slowly change that somewhat and I am going to get out more. Dr. Rawson (in Rapid City) tried to help us understand that way of thinking in the very first discussion, but it is hard to not want to totally protect yourself. He explained that with certain basic precautions, I can still live a "life" and not become a total recluse. So no "reclusing" for this guy any more. We will be careful and avoid sickness where ever possible and washing hands will become a total obsession, but I have decided to come out......of my chemo closet (actually just when my antibodies are built back up after treatment so it will still be somewhat limited).

So if you have any really cool events that you think I should attend (like the Sugar Bowl or actually any bowl game, the NBA championship, departmental Christmas party or whatever.....), just send an e-mail to my secretary and we will see if I can work it into my new schedule ...lol.

Just thought I would share that with you today. I am still up for visitors occasionally as well. Just call first and make sure it is not the bad week of chemo (when I try and be a little more careful or am too tired). Thanks to everyone who has been over to see me in between the bad weeks, and especially to my home teacher in the hearing ward (Bro. Jennings) who has seen to it that they bring the sacrament to me every week. I really appreciate all the efforts made in my behalf.

I love you all very much.

(I doubt I will be going to the Sugar Bowl, but I will be watching for Alma and the others that are.... GO UTES......)

Party on dude.........

2008-12-16T20:17:00.006-07:00

******** CHRISTMAS PARTY - ST. GEORGE IT DEPARTMENT

You know just when you need it most, good friends come through. I got a call yesterday (had a pretty rough time with the reality of "no miracle") and my old co-workers from the City here invited me to their department Christmas party luncheon. I was thrilled to say yes but I knew I would have to convince Julie to let me go. It turned out she was actually in favor and encouraged me to go. So I went and talk about a great therapy program. Tons of great food (and they didn't make me bring anything), Wii games on the huge overhead projector, and the best friends and company anyone could ask for. I really needed the change and the company. Totally therapeutic.

Thanks goes out to the great IT department here in St. George. They really know how to show an old co-worker a good time........ they were awesome and I am ready to go after it again. Now ....pictures......

Don't forget to check out the "Christmas Story" leg lamp on the table (only Josh H. would have one...lol) It was also "frajeelay".......

Weather on the way to doctor's

2008-12-15T22:38:00.002-07:00

Snowing???

It is starting to snow......in St. George????

Scan results

2008-12-15T16:52:00.002-07:00

While driving to the doctor's, we were in the middle of a snow storm and it was cold and gloomy. I thought this had better not be an indication of the news and luckily it was not.....

Went to the doctor Te's office for the results. He is pleased from a doctor's point of view. I should be too (and I am) but I had allowed myself to get hopeful that he would say "hmm where did all the cancer go.... it is all gone?". Guess what he didn't say that.... darn it. The areas that were prevalent in the last scan all showed "no uptake" which meant that their choice of chemo had stopped all cancer growth in those areas (and they did not identify any new areas) that had been a concern. This is actually incredibly good news and I am pleased to a point but it was unfortunate that I allowed my hopes to get so high (little let down now).

Where from here? The best course of action with these results (unfortunately) is three more treatments and a scan.... (I smell a pattern coming on....lol). So while it is not the "miracle" we all look for in these situations (right fellow cancer people), it is actually a miracle for me that it stopped the growth. We may not ever get rid of it (so the medical doctors warn) but at least I have had some success for which I am truly truly thankful.

I will write more later when I have had time to get used to the news, but I wanted all of you to know as soon as I could.

We have an inch of snow on our front lawn. This is supposed to be St. George folks.... come on.....

Followers...

2008-12-15T03:40:00.002-07:00

I have to admit, I am still learning a little about this blog site and I noticed the followers at the bottom. I didn't understand it when I put it on originally (I thought it looked cool and I am game for anything cool). But since I read up on it finally, I wanted to just note that I moved it up where I could see it and I wanted to thank those of you who put yourself on there. I didn't realize some of you even knew about this but when I saw some of you, it made me smile and as I get feeling better, I will get back to you as soon as I can.

Thanks again to everyone for their support and prayers. (Pray for my kids too.... several are going through finals.....ahhhhhhhhhhh ..... the memories). I am glad that part of my life is over but it does remind me of a joke. You know why old people start doing their geneology and going to the temple so much......."cramming for their finals too".......lol (ok sorry it is too early in the morning... can't sleep waiting for scan results....just groan and move on)....

(for Judy and Matthew.... Fee Fie Foe - Fee Fee Fie Fie.)

Weekend of waiting

2008-12-14T15:42:00.002-07:00

Some of our friends from Salt Lake came down to visit a little this weekend. It was great to see them and helped take my mind off the upcoming results of my scan. Justin had a performance with a string quartet yesterday and Julie decided I could go to this one because there wouldn't be as many people there and I really wanted to see my boy perform. It was great. He is truly gifted on the cello and he proved it again. He did great and I was really glad I got to go. Way to go Justin.

Wow what a trip back to the 70s

2008-12-12T14:21:00.000-07:00

This morning, I didn't have any doctors or tests or anything so I decided to catch up on some DVR stuff. A while ago I recorded the Osmond's 50th anniversary tour thing on PBS and so I decided to watch it. Wow what a trip...... but the thing that was really funny is when they were singing the song "Long haired lover from Liverpool", Julie started to sing right along with them and really getting into it. Turns out she and Suzanne (her sister) were all caught up in Osmond mania back in the 70's. I had heard a few stories, but I learned some more about my angel wife after 25 years. Glad I only bought their Christmas album. Scary.

It took 3 of them to bring me in.....

2008-12-11T18:07:00.004-07:00

I hear a knock on the door.... it is louder than the UPS guy. I look out the window..... oh no it is the cops...... what do I do. Of course I open the door. Not only the police...... it is the 3 of St. George's finest. Deputy Chief Peck, Chief Stratton and since they don't get out much they brought the Dispatch director Jeff Dial to make sure they found me.

What a shock. It made my whole day...no whole month in one visit. I can't say how much I appreciated it. Timing was good, we had a good visit and they made me feel like I can do it because so many people are behind me. In fact in this picture, I decided with some great people like this holding me up, i shall not fall or fail.......

A beautiful day in St. George

2008-12-11T13:39:00.003-07:00

It is absolutely beautiful here in St. George today.

For the past few weeks, I have been able to drive Justin to school in the morning. It is only a 15 minute drive, but the important part is that I have been able to do it without my oxygen and I feel like my lungs are getting stronger. I also went for a little walk around our circle with my wife today without the oxygen or the walker. It is amazing how these little things mean so much now. It seems like a small thing but to me now these are minor victories.

It has been hard to watch my wife and kids cleaning up the leaves and yard and not being able to do it myself. It was always therapy for me to do yard work and now that I can't it hurts. But I am trying to do the best thing to get my body better.

Tired, but feeling good......

What is a "port -a- cath"

2008-12-10T14:13:00.004-07:00

Some of you may be wondering what a "port a cath" is. I have pictures.

Instead of an IV everytime I go in, they surgically put a "main line" IV from my shoulder straight into one of my arteries in my chest. This allows them to both drip things like chemo, blood, saline, etc into me without having to get an IV in my arm, but it also allows them to draw blood out through the same line.

They simply "access" the port which is a small little needle (feels like when I prick my finger for my blood sugar tests" and hook it up. Then they can leave it for a few days if I am having lots of tests or take it out if it will be while and access it again when it is needed. Amazing and I love it.

This is what it looks like after it is all in place......

Tests are done... results won't be till Mon.

2008-12-10T11:14:00.001-07:00

I just finished the PET scan, but they said the results won't be till Monday so we have an appointment set up for then. Till then thanks for all your prayers again. The scan was much easier this time and I know that it was because of the prayers.

Resting day

2008-12-09T18:59:00.000-07:00

Under doctor's orders, I had to rest for my scan tomorrow. So I just watched TV and worked on the blog. Julie had a lot of work (she does Hallmark Card setups) and so Christmas time is crazy. Also one of the other ladies quit so she gets extra today. Today was the ward Christmas Party, but it was too hard for us to go (and I can't anyway) so she went to finally see a movie to take her mind off of it all. I guess it is still hard for her to have people come up all the time and say how is Jim, what is happening. We know they mean well, but sometimes it is too much. I love and support her in this so just remember us in your prayers and I will try and take some of that off her plate here in the blog.

I had a nice day though. Trying hard not to get my hopes up too much for the scan results. I know I have cancer and a rough road ahead, but it sure would be nice to have another miracle or two... ( who can blame me for wishing)......

More tests look good

2008-12-08T08:58:00.000-07:00

We went to IV therapy for a few more tests. They are still looking good. I hope I a not getting my hopes up too high for tomorrow. We will see.

Judy told me that Nathan fasted for me Sunday and I know it helped. Thanks little buddy. Your prayers mean a lot to me. I sure love ya.